Hi from Mary

[Mary]

Hi everyone,

Mary here. I want to say a big hello to all of you who have introduced yourselves so far. I love seeing you all interacting via this gift that Nicky has created.

Some of you I have had the pleasure of meeting in person in the past, and others I am 'meeting' here online for the first time via your posts or introductions. It is lovely to feel the majority of you launching in with sincerity (albeit with a slight air of trepidation for some as well).

It's tempting for me write some throw away statement about you all already knowing me and thus there being no need to introduce myself.

However, while I know that you have all probably watched more hours of me on video than I am comfortable considering (laugh), over the past couple of years I have done some solid work on my façade and at present feel acutely aware of how little I have wanted to actually be myself with others. It's difficult to describe but the best way I can think to say it is that, I don't feel like I have been an active participant in letting myself be known and seen, as I truly am, much before now.

Of course there are all those hours of video you have watched and you've seen me speak up and share lots. Sometimes I have done that in my façade and sometimes I have been more humble because in those times I've loved truth more or wanted to help others more than I wanted to suppress my fear and shame. I know that you know many of my struggles but not necessarily who I really am and my true personality.

I've lived in a lot of façade all of my life thus far and like all of us in façade I never believed that expression of my real or injured self without some sort of filter or packaging was acceptable or would be liked let alone loved.

My façade has been there to hide what I have judged as my incredibly bad and unloving condition but also to try to hide (or modify in order to be 'cooler') the things I am most deeply passionate about. I've viewed my great loves with a sense of shame – as if what I truly want makes me silly, weak and stupidly idealistic. Like all of us, my façade was created in my childhood but I often joke that mine was steel reinforced because of my fear of the very intense first century emotions and the challenge to reality they would create in me if I felt them.

When I met Jesus two things happened simultaneously – lots of fear, shame and low self worth feelings associated with first century memories were exposed and triggered, and all of a sudden lots of people started analysing me and watching me just because I was with Jesus. I wasn't used to being noticed so much. I never, ever thought that I would spend so much time in front of a camera. I felt that a thousand eyes had suddenly turned towards me and I had no idea what to do.

It is difficult for me to describe just how awesome I believed that I needed to be and how absolutely the opposite I felt.

This was of course the perfect attraction to trigger all of my façade, help me deal with my terror about attack, to let go and finally let my true nature flow forth.

But instead of taking the humble route my resistance only reinforced my façade. I felt paralyzed by the idea that I had to somehow meet everyone's expectation of what constituted their 'perfect version' of Mary Magdalene. I imposed all kinds of expectations on myself. Deep down I felt very ashamed and utterly terrified. And while I know I didn't always hide that well - I really, really wanted to.

And this is what I mean by not wanting to be known – you may have seen parts of me (and Jesus tell me that my true nature does come out at times when I'm not conscious of it) but while my façade still deeply judges my fear, imperfections and passions, this prevents a true humble openness in me. Letting go of façade is an act of will, and even though at times people may glimpse parts of our hurt or real selves, until we want to dismantle our façade we aren't truly humble or being ourselves. We are still actively opposing the way God designed us to be, live and interact.

My desire to avoid feelings of shame made me not want to admit my injuries and to present myself in a way that I thought would make me look more developed in love than I was. And many times in the past, I'll admit (with sorrow) that I felt so terrfied and resistive that I just wanted all of the people hearing Divine Truth and projecting expectations, disappointment, jealousy or even simply looking at me to just go away.

That is still difficult for me to admit. I was selfish and short sighted and not only punishing towards others but also towards my own true nature that loves God and God's Truth.

Over the past couple of years, I've become more sincere and I've felt the effects of the Law of Compensation about this issue weigh heavily on my soul. Being angry at others, at God and at yourself long term really hurts.

More recently I realised that while I really didn't desire to be angry at others anymore (and in fact feel sincere affection and love for many people) I have not made the shift into a desire to be truly be me. I still project a lot of anger and judgement towards myself in order to control not only my fear and grief but (maybe especially) to control my love, passion, hope and faith, my goofy sense of humour, my desire to create art, to design and to let the real Mary Magdalene be known by others.

I have also developed a tendency to completely dismiss the progress I have made and make myself out to be in a worse condition than others - which is just another addictive facade.

So my mission is to grow my desire to let myself be known, just as I am, by those who want to know me.

Trust me, a lack of desire to be known by anyone really interferes in a relationship with God!

I've noticed that harbouring a deep sense of personal shame, not wanting to feel it, has actually caused me to withdraw from the most reliable sources of love. I find I tend to withdraw from God, my soulmate, and certain beautiful friends because I fear that opening up to them will expose who and how I truly am. I view them as amazing and wonderful and I feel ugly and unacceptable in comparison so I either shrink and withdraw or try to control their perception of me by presenting a façade.

Throughout my life I've sought love from people who aren't yet able to give it (because my shame was triggered less around them) and I've rejected and avoided those who truly love me or want to know me.

Jesus has been talking with me lately about how I often falsely believe that it is safer to detune from myself and my feelings in the company of others and try to be what I think they want me to be. I think that this is 'safer' because I believe that it reduces the risk of being attacked or rejected. He has wisely pointed out that people who want to love and accept me will do so without my façade, and those who have unloving, attacking emotions within them are still going to have those projections at some point until they deal with them – regardless of how I try to manipulate them and the situation with them by using a façade. By detuning from my own feelings in order to create my façade I also diminish my sensitivity to other people's emotions and so I place myself in potentially dangerous situations where I can't accurately tell what people's true intentions towards me are.

I know that many of you are working on issues of façade in response to the material Jesus presented last year. I have found that dealing with my façade has been challenging but also incredibly worthwhile.

It is my desire over the coming years to feel myself more fully and to be myself at all times no matter who I am around. I really want to have those relationships with God and my soulmate back and opening up and being myself is crucial to that process.

So it is in that spirit that I wanted to write an introduction and say hello.

I love what Nicky is creating here and while I have been checking in fairly regularly in this the early stages I don't anticipate having much time for that from now on as Jesus and I are busy with so many projects and are about to start our regular filming schedule again soon.

I hope that it is OK with Nicky that I also add some encouragements (below) for those of you who are participating:

1. Let this forum be an experiment in learning about love and self expression

One of the benefits of interacting with sincere people is that you can come to see things about yourself that you didn't previously – either through your own self reflections about various attractions or through receiving loving feedback from others.

My caveat though is that this kind of thing is only possible if you yourself are sincere in your aspiration to grow and are therefore responsible in the way that you post and respond.

My encouragement: feel yourself before you post. What drives you? Are you open to what you might attract as a result e.g. feedback or new truth? Do you want to be humble or are you posting to delay or avoid a feeling?

2. Respect Your Admin

Nicky is offering a gift in this space and what a huge undertaking is must be to monitor all of these posts! I notice that he often kindly replies to many of the individual posts as well as writing lengthy explanation for strike actions so that everyone has the opportunity to understand the lesson in love.

If he offers you the chance to self reflect or points out that he thinks there is an issue of love at play (even if he isn't yet specific what that is) I encourage you to take the opportunity to reflect. Don't be quick to dismiss him.

Too often I see that people take notice and counsel from those that they are in co-dependence with and yet completely dismiss the humbler person who more quietly or kindly offers truth. If you think about this in the extreme – we all often ignore God's all-loving promptings in favour of the commiseration and validation for our errors from those around us who are struggling with their own errors and injuries.

It is always worthwhile to consider from who you are taking your cues – do they reflect love? Are they humble themselves?

3. Beware of this forum taking the place of your own reflection time and/or personal relationships.
(i.e. beware of using this virtual place addictively)

I am sure that Nicky is going to assist you to see this is happening if he feels it in your posting but you can just as easily remain 'below the radar' (in your own denial and away from the admin's notice) by compulsively tuning into and checking on the goings on here without posting a single thing. So I encourage you to let yourself be sensitive to your compulsive desires and urges (instead of denying or judging them) and to ask for God's help in exposing the emotions driving them.

Bye for now,
Mary

[LauraR]

Hello Mary!
Thank you so much for everything you have done and continue to do. Thank you for sharing yourself with us and being honest - allowing us to see your progress - it is beautiful and inspiring. There is so much I would like to say, but it all seems so inadequate. I look forward to more Notes Along the Way and to see what you and Jesus are working on.
Love to you,
Laura

[Nicky]

Hi Mary

Awesome read, some of the personal stuff you spoke about was really insightful and there's some big lessons in there for everyone to learn. I do not believe I have read anything else that you have written up to this point in time which has been so transparent and open about yourself and your journey. Very inspirational, something for us all to aspire to and loved getting to know Mary Magdalene better than I did before!

Regarding your encouragements, of course I am cool with them. I have really enjoyed the time myself, you and Jesus have shared over the last month or so and the tons of help and time you have gifted to me which I will eternally be grateful for. Huge learning curve going on at the moment for everyone here I feel which I hope continues and intensifies. I'm glad that I have seen people thanking both you and Jesus for helping me with the forum because without you, this forum would not be anywhere near what it currently is and it wouldn't be as insightful and helpful without your input which I feel everyone is benefiting from.

P.S. Goofy senses of humour ARE cool contrary to popular belief. I have a similar sense of humour in me somewhere that I often don't let come through but the times I have, people have actually laughed!

Best of luck with the emotions, projects and filming guys!

Nicky

[Pierrejoseph]

Thank you very very much Mary. I would love to know more of the true you that I feel I very little know until now. You are such a source of inspiration and learning in your transparency, your honesty and your progresses and struggles. So much to reflect for me only in your post here.

Thank you so much you and Jesus to support Nick and this forum to be a loving place where there is great opportunity for lot's of people to reflect, be humble and grow in love.

Pierre

[Anna S]

Thank you Mary for choosing to share yourself, your current state, your struggles and your intentions.
Your modeling of walking the Way, and stumble and continue even if you are afraid, and showing me how your steps looks like are most valuable and helpful to me. In my heart you are a dear friend, teacher and source of inspiration. When you shows me your journey it helps me build hope and faith!

With love
Anna

[Mary]

Hi Anna, Pierre, Laura & Nicky,

Thanks for your kind comments on my post.

Look forward to sharing with you on the forum over time and perhaps seeing all you guys in person sometime next year (fingers crossed!).

Love
Mary

[Scott]

I know nothing of where you are now ... though I am sure you have sincerely and eloquently stated it. But the feel that I do get from reading your words or listening to your insights ... is that I should give it a go and find out at least where I am right now. Thank you for that ... I am in the process of unwrapping that gift.

[Maxine]

Dear Mary,

Having been away from here for a bit and feeling as I am write now, to log in and read your introduction was a beautiful LOA for me. ( I know its all beautiful, but I don't yet feel it or notice it enough) .

What you wrote touched my heart because of it's honesty and that I also recognised my own behaviour and emotions. Shame is much greater than many of us think and I have convinced myself a number of times I had processed my shame. Yet my life, my current health issue and my own facade behaviour tells me otherwise. So thank you for writing so frankly. I have much to contemplate and feel about this.

Sister, I have and do find you inspirational. To have to go through this journey is tough, but doing so in the glare of cameras must be insane at times. But, it helps, it really does.

I kept my passion for writing, art and illustration quiet all my life until recently. I still need to allow more time for it, but I don't want to let it go now. It feels like one tiny part of ME I have found and that is thanks to you guys.

Love to you
Maxine x

[Alkhemst]

Thanks again Mary. I find you and Jesus' relationship an inspiration. Jesus' uncompromising love and truth, how you've responded to that by continuing to grow in love, honesty and compassion for yourself, how its made you both grow closer together, not apart, which in my addictive mindset I'm afraid will happen in my relationship when / if I was to honor truth in the same way.

[linn]

Hi Mary.

I feel it is lovely to get to know you. I am so happy to meet you in here.
I have gotten so much help from watching you and Jesus on youtube and also from reading your blog. I feel it is so beautiful and deeply moving how you demonstrate will and courage to uncover your hurt and true self more and more. The way you describe your own prosess helps me enter mine. You've helped me recognize issues and emotions within myself that I had no idea I had, and helped me realize why I still have'nt gotten completely through many of the issues I have been dealing with. I many times felt I was softening inside just by reading your blog (your two latest posts was in perfect timing for me). The honesty in your introduction here gives me a chance to reflect and feel about many things, especially how I still feel I need to live up to the expectations I believe people have about me.

I find it just incredably amazingly awesome that you both (all) are here to share yourselves, your love and knowlage with us now, in my lifetime on earth. This has more than anything streangthened my hopes for a better future for life on this planet. And now I can imagine much more clearly how it is achievable. I feel it is such a gift to observe how you two illustrates love in action between yourselves and in interactions with others. I have so much to learn.

I think I am only beginning to grasp how much love you guys must have for human kind, leaving a paradise and going through "hell" in order to demonstrate to us all how we can get out of it ourselves without any guarantee that we will come to make that choise. I think that requires a kind of faith in God that no one has ever seen before. How can you be more awesome than that? I feel a warm spark inside just thinking about it.