Self attack or accurate self awareness?

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Teresa French
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Self attack or accurate self awareness?

Post by Teresa French » Sat Feb 13, 2016 1:29 am

Hello all

Coming up to the assistance group this week I have been ruminating a lot on a lot of things. Currently where I am at is that my fear is running my life totally – I have become more aware of what I am doing and how I am feeling but I am compulsively NOT doing anything about it, all I am doing is working working working as I feel that if I only work harder and bring more money in my troubles will all go away. Utter rubbish. And I know it. But my soul doesn’t – all it feels is it needs to push myself harder and harder.

I have made some progress, which doesn’t feel like progress, it feels hard and bad, but now I am much more aware of how terribly I treat other people – radiating out from the people closest to me and all the way out to everyone in the universe. But this compulsive obsession of throwing myself into work (and not even doing that well or productively – I am so stressed I spend most of my time “flat spinning”, like I am pingponging inside a tight little square – and sometimes I have even caught myself literally doing that – walking back and forth inside a little square, and getting totally nowhere) prevents me from slowing down enough to really do something about that.

Except for the odd snippet of time like the other day I went to Sydney and back (a fifteen hour trip in the end), where I could reflect on stuff. And expecting to do that during the assistance group too – but worrying that I will come back and things won’t have changed at all.

Now and then I talk to God about it, but I am so closed up tight with stress that I don’t feel a response almost all of the time.

I started an eating plan on New Year’s Eve – where they provide you with all your food. This was working really well and I was fully expecting to stay on it for a year, as I found it easy mainly and I was losing weight. But there was a niggling feeling of how am I going to do this at the assistance group – there is so much meat in this plan and I would feel just so guilty about eating meat while I was up there (and one week we simply didn’t have the money to spend on it), so I stopped. I also felt that it was part of me expecting the world to fix things for me so I should stop expecting someone else to make it better for me. But, it’s mainly about me feeling guilty about eating meat and animal products.

First week post that decision went fine, but now I am piling the weight back on and I realised that the doctor I am seeing for an unrelated issue on Monday will probably ask me how it is going and I am scared that he is going to put me on the diabetic pill thing he wanted to put me on but put off because I was going to give this diet a go first.

I thought maybe I can find an equivalent diet plan that is vegan – I haven’t found one where they provide you with all your food, but there are some that give you menu plans. But I am screaming out (silently, as I don't often allow myself to actually express things) about that – I don’t want to take the time out to work out how to plan my week’s food and actually make the meals – I resist even making myself a healthy breakfast and eating it most of the time because I am so compelled to get down to my computer and do things (realising that the things I do on my computer are not always work related and productive anyway).

I am feeling so afraid of actually delving deep into anything – I am so literally deathly afraid of not being able to manage myself at any given moment that I do not allow myself to feel anything at all for more than a few seconds, even when I think I do want to (like when driving for ten hours and I have nothing else I can do at the time). I flick in and out of this forum, reading everything (compulsively – I feel I have to make sure there are no red (unread) posts so I can keep a tab on what is going on there, but I flick over most of the long posts – this is part of how I realised that I won’t take the time to really work on myself – initially I was impatient with the long posts there but now I feel that the long posts are actually people taking the time to really answer people and I just will not do that – it triggers my fight/flight stuff so majorly to stop and sit in anything for that long – even though I have spent the last year in therapy to work on just that, the fight/flight survival mode stuff.)

I feel like I am going backwards – I have realised that I am getting darker as I get older, and I am not sure if I am simply more aware of it or not but I feel like I am accelerating my degradation since I have started hearing Divine Truth seven years ago. I am feeling a lot of pain about how I am treating the people I live with, in particular, but also how I treat everyone I come into contact with. But – not enough to actually really do anything about it – I just feel like I am helpless and not in control of what I am doing and that no matter what I do I can’t change anything anyway (because I am unwilling to feel my rage, fear and grief). (This is what I hope to be able to focus on during the first assistance group - growing my desire to want to stop hurting others, and myself, and actually wanting to love).

(About three paragraphs ago I thought maybe I should post this on the forum, and I think my writing has changed since then – I feel I have started censoring what I am writing. Reading it back, perhaps not, but I am aware of the urge to say the “right” thing.) (edit after rereading this whole thing, I feel I am being honest in this after all)

What prompted all this writing right now, was something I just read on the internet which I ticked all the boxes in, about "7 common wounds of daughters with unloving mothers".

(I will post the link in case it is helps explain what I am trying to express.)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/te ... mon-wounds

As I was reading the linked article, I started feeling that my siblings would just say “here I go blaming mum again” but that didn’t impact me as deeply as it had in the past (I still do not feel the difference between being less driven by something and being better at suppressing it so I am not confident of how much I have dealt with things rather than just pushing them down).

I felt like every point in this article was spot on for me. And I felt emotion reading every single one, but I still don’t have the gut reaction about mum not loving me. I still don’t get deep enough into my feelings that I will spend more than a few minutes, if that even, feeling what is in me that needs to come out.

I have been listening particularly to the Law of Compensation interview Jesus gave recently and reflecting on how I am damaging others and have asked for celestial and divine guidance around that and what comes up is things like the link I shared here, and I think today that it is starting to dawn on me that I cannot begin to repent for what I have inflicted on others until I first look at and feel what mum and dad (but mainly mum I feel) inflicted on me.

Would I be able to get a reality check (the truth) about what I have written so I can see where I am deluding myself? (As I reword that last sentence I keep in mind how I make demands on others - I can't tell the difference between asking for help and demanding and expecting assistance.) Most of the car trip the other day was spent listening to the channellings from January related to the assistance group coming up and I now notice that I am more wanting to know the truth about myself and where I am at than I have ever before, so that is a good thing.

There were three spirits who spoke after the celestial spirit – one was a self reliant man from Australia, the next was a woman who was vicious to everyone while she was alive, and the third was a woman who was in fear, and while I could relate to every one of them, I feel that I am most like the middle person, Sarah the wealthy French woman, who was angrily violent and attacking (emotionally, not physically) and spent over 100 years in the spirit world feeling her family’s rage and raging at them (but part of me questions if that is really true or if I am like the other lady who spent decades in fear getting darker and more restricted, and my way of not feeling that is to punish myself by calling myself evil – this is what I am searching for truth around).

I know I have lots of fear, and all the grief that is under that, I don't know if I still am holding onto as much rage as I have had fed back to me in the past that I have (although I still feel its presence from time to time, which is why I feel I am like Sarah - I suspect I have a murderous rage in me that I suppress and therefore project out, yet it feels slippery and wispy when I go looking for it - all my emotions feel slippery, I feel I am not able to hold onto any in order to feel and release them).

Would I be able to ask for some feedback on how accurate my perception is please? I think from that I will be able to stop the "I don't know so I won't try" racket that I feel I have been stuck in.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Teresa

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Lena
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Re: Self attack or accurate self awareness?

Post by Lena » Sat Feb 13, 2016 6:52 am

Hi Teresa,

I guess one thing that stood out to me most from your explanation is that you still don't want to change.
There is no "I want to change no matter what" in your explanation.
In fact that you say things like I don't feel like changing or can't be bothered enough.
In examples with your food diet.
Unless it's given to me, I can't be bothered doing anything myself.

From my personal experience things will not shift if my will isn't active every day in the direction I want to go. If I am not feeling myself.

As you say, you may come back home from AG and nothing would have changed, because no matter who tells you what, you are the one who will need to want it enough to make it happen for your own self.

I also think that you can start repenting process, when you have harmed others, which will lead you, if you are open to, to forgiveness process, which is why we may do some of things we do.
As it was described in detail by Jesus in the 2014 AGG.
But I do feel there is a need to also be careful and feel very carefully through what we have done to people and why, as many times it could be for no other reason but our own desire to do so, our own act of will, rather then look for the reason or often try to skip over and start blaming the parents.

I don't feel you have to wait Teresa, in fact I would not suggest for you to wait for the AG in order to feel more inspired to make a change.
I feel it is important to want to change and use AG material to guide yourself to the areas you are already wanting to access.

I feel you maybe not seeing what AG are meant to be for your soul.
So it would be good to reflect about that more.

Lena

P.s I would just like to add to the above, that it is not Jesus' purpose or job, or anyone else 's to break through our resistance and to inspire us.
If this is what we expect and want from him it is an addiction to rely on somebody and is a demand too.
It has to come from your own heart and from your own place of honest deep desire.

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Courtney
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Re: Self attack or accurate self awareness?

Post by Courtney » Sat Feb 13, 2016 5:30 pm

Hi Teresa,

I know the food part was just one part of your email, but I thought I'd offer my feelings on that in case it might help. In addition to what Lena has said about self-responsibility in regards to one's own nourishment and meal planning and making meals and the demand others help you do it or do it entirely for you, I feel like there might be another aspect of it you might not have considered.

You said you've signed up for this meal plan partly out of convenience, but it also sounds like maybe its serving to do something that I see a lot of people with food addiction do: set up external controls to prevent themselves from overeating. I'm piecing together what you've written and what I feel from you (which hopefully I'm accurate), but you mentioned how being on this meal plan resulted in some weight loss, and that you're gaining the weight back now that you're not on the meal plan anymore, which would suggest you have gone back to overeating and/or maybe junk food eating since coming off the plan.

Also, you express a fear of being off the meal plan for the AG, but my impression is that food is provided for the AG's, and so that would tend to indicate it's not just about convenience but also about a deep fear of yourself and what you might do with food if you don't have some external controls like a meal plan which is portioned out ahead of time, which essentially takes away any requirement of listening to your body and having your own internal signals as well as self-love dictate how much you eat and when you eat. It's actually another way to avoid self-responsibility in the act of eating itself. We're saying, "I don't have to make a choice about what I feel like eating, or how much to eat, or whether I'm hungry, or when I'm full--someone else has decided this for me". Even if the meals are not provided for the AG events, it still feels like this meal plan is partly something you did in order to force yourself in line with food, so to speak, and avoid a bunch of fears about it. These kinds of meal plans are basically a way of entirely giving up having to use our own will, and entirely giving up the process of learning why we use our will in certain ways so we can change that.

A lot of people with food addiction try to figure out ways to control their external environment: meal plans where everything is portioned out and made ahead of time, telling their spouse and children they can't bring "tempting" food into the house, avoiding events where there might be lots of junk food, etc. These are all things we do to overcome the fact that we're terrified of ourselves and what we might do, and in fact to override the truth that all we really want to do is just eat all the food we want, and we actually don't think we can change. It is in fact a way of exerting willpower to override our will. We feel like the best we can hope for in life in this area is to be able to just better control ourselves. We feel we can't actually have real freedom with food that is in alignment with love in all ways, and permanent weight loss as a result.

When we truly resolve the underlying emotions that cause us to use food addictively, we won't need to control external factors in order to not eat badly. It won't matter whether our kids bring home a bunch of junk food or whether we go to a work party with a huge buffet. It won't matter if we go to a place where there's a restaurant with food that we used to be tempted to use in addiction. It won't matter if we're in a circumstance where we don't have a much of an array of options for healthy vegan food (though obviously self-love and responsibility would dictate we plan ahead as much as possible for these circumstances and provide ourselves with what we need). None of these factors would cause us to overeat or treat our body badly with food.

And so there is a possibility that by signing up for a meal plan where someone else makes all of your meals and portions all the time, not only are you avoiding self-responsibility and self-love, you are also purposefully shutting down emotions that, if triggered and allowed to be felt and worked through, could actually help you to truly get rid of the addictive behavior with food.

Love,
Courtney

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Teresa French
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Re: Self attack or accurate self awareness?

Post by Teresa French » Sat Feb 13, 2016 11:06 pm

Thank you both, Lena and Courtney. What you have said looks so obvious to me now I have read it, about me not wanting to change. I really appreciate your taking the time to give me this feedback and I am really looking at my motivation for going to the assistance group, as it is pointless, unloving of me, and an abuse of the gift for my own selfish reasons to be there if I don't want to change.
I am grateful for your feedback and glad - things have already come up around trust in God and my fear of what change means for me.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love,
Teresa.

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Amanda Stracey
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Re: Self attack or accurate self awareness?

Post by Amanda Stracey » Sun Feb 14, 2016 12:15 pm

Hi Teresa

I'd just like to comment a little on two areas I've noticed that we might have in common and struggle with. First being harsh and punishing when we don't get something or are going backwards in fact a huge horror of not keeping up and making the grade. I've struggled immensely with admitting and really accepting I don't know what I'm doing. I've prided myself and completely brought in to so called intellectual quickness and being or looking smart. I'm finding that that isn't really worth much if really I don't understand things and I don't want to love anyone and don't want to know Gods definitions of love and am resistant to God teaching me. I don't know exactly what is happening to you in relation to feeling older and more degraded but I feel it is much better to cut the bullshit and say to God I don't like your feedback, I don't want it, I want to be able to do whatever I want and there be no consequences at all ever or even I know I've felt I don't believe this is feedback from God anyway. I do find that helps me realise I am probably (!) being arrogant and being a bit foolish and it also helps to look at being a parent myself if my kids had no consequences when they want to run amok. Climbing out of denial is just the start though to looking at individual issues. Applying this at not wanting to look at addictions would also work I feel. I mean being honest about not wanting to change or other feelings I have had have been what is the point anyway, what I'm doing isn't that bad is it, other people are worse than me etc etc I feel it's going to be important to leave no stone unturned so to speak or I know people have said to attempt to skip over things.

The second point is really not wanting any relationship with God and kidding ourselves that we do. It sounded or felt a bit like prayer for you is a duty or I suppose I'd better have a go - it's not something you deeply desire to do every day or every moment of every day (me neither) or constantly be wondering what does God feel about that or the other. Sometimes I wonder what can have attracted us all to a teaching about having a deep authentic relationship with God when we really don't have any respect for God or what she's created ....... Someone said to me last week ' when you've stopped being holier than thou ' I thought well @@@@ ok they're feeling me as a fake ....trying to be good and not actually good.. I'm talking the walk and not walking the walk....what do I want to do about that.

Hope that might help.

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Teresa French
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Re: Self attack or accurate self awareness?

Post by Teresa French » Sat Feb 20, 2016 11:50 pm

Hi Amanda,

thank you for your comment. Your point about self punishment hit home. It has been pretty clear to me in the past few days how much I use self criticism and flagellation to keep me away from what I am terrified of.

This past week has also been a good gauge of how making good or bad choices feel. Initially I felt relief when I decided I wouldn't go to the assistance group (ironically, I started typing resistance group then! - I've just started reading the outline and the topic of resistance is foremost in my thoughts currently). Relief because I had deadlines that I would have missed if I went, and I was putting so much pressure on myself to get stuff done before I went.

Now things have shifted a bit - I have been feeling that the reasons I gave myself for not going were the reasons I should actually go. Starting to read through the outline, I feel that even more so. Although I haven't yet resolved how thinking this will help me is not having an expectation of a gift. That last sentence is part of what does my head in - I get all convoluted and tied up in knots about the shoulds and should nots and end up frozen doing nothing.

I am beginning to really get that nothing will change, whether I go or not, unless I want to make the change. And if I don't make the change things will just get worse and worse for me and those around me.

Your post helped, thank you. The point about being holier than thou too. I have been reflecting on arrogance and thinking I know it all, and I so don't. And instead of being down on me and punishing myself about that, it's time I did something about it. So thank you, Amanda.

Teresa

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