Parenting

[Niky]

How about a topic on parenting? I'm not a parent myself, but I have taken on the role of parenting to my younger sister.

[Alejandro CL]

I found this topic both interesting and also challenging. My wife and myself are thinking about having kids and this subject have been in my mind for some time.

I remember a talk from AJ, I believe it is from the assistance groups videos, were he describes the relation between parents and children and to whom we must forgive and to whom we must repent for the unloving actions that develop between parents and children.

I also remember that if you are going to take the role of parenting you kid sister, then any emotional injury that you have, can be transmitted to your sister.

[Niky]

I wondered about that, thought that might be so. Good to know. I think I've taken on the role a long time ago, since she was a baby. I moved away so during her teen yrs she was with our mother for a period and then with my other sister. After high school, she's now with me again.

[Abram]

Niky,

I've had several parenting questions and posts so I'd be in favor of a parenting topic.

[Eloisa]

I am excited to have a place to share and learn more about parenting! Thanks!

Do I Really want to Love? From Blame to becoming Truth with myself and myself

I have wanted to share some personal experiences about experimenting with being a ‘parent’ for a while now but just haven’t made time. But today I thought I would make a contribution to get it started.

Please keep in mind that from what I have heard, God is our real parent and we are but guardians or big brothers and sisters with the gift of being able to share with our younger siblings (children) what we have personally experienced about Love & God so far (obviously this is quite hard when we first begin because we often know very little about these things ourselves).

I feel that one of the most important questions we need to ask as a parent is: (it is a most important question for everyone I reckon, I am just using it in the context of parenting):

‘Do I really want to Love?’
If not, why not and feel about all the reasons you don’t want to.

If yes then is your ‘love’ the same as God’s view of Love or does it need refining? I suggest that there may need to be some adjustments in everyone - except those who are already at one with God.

The feeling is the most important part of the self reflection. I have done a lot of intellectual self reflection - still do - and it is helpful and the first step, but if I don’t feel about the feelings that I find then things don’t change permanently. I am aware of them and may wilfully stop myself taking certain actions BUT the soul change has not been made yet, and at some point, generally under pressure or stress I revert back which is the Law of Attraction showing me that no soul change has been made yet.

The Law of Attraction is your friend as it gives you the feedback you need to keep growing and finding all the places in your soul that need refining in love. I have a growing appreciation for God’s Laws.

When I have asked myself this question honestly, or when I ask it now, I have found that there are many times when I don’t want to love, rather I want to be loved, or I want to blame, or I want to actually be unloving and unkind in certain situations, to avoid certain emotions, to justify my resistances etc.
When I got real about my un-lovingness in regards to the children, and my real feelings towards them it was actually liberating. I think it was because that is how truth is - it truly does set you free. When I am truthful no matter how bad I perceive the truth about myself to be it just feels better to have it out and know about it. It also meant that I didn’t have to hold onto being the ‘perfect mum’ all the time, at least to myself (I was afraid of others judgement about me, and still have ‘good mum’ addiction to work through).

To actually accept that I am not loving yet and begin to accept that I can change that in a real and lasting way, that isn’t fake has enabled me to see more clearly the areas in me, that need significant changes in order to come into harmony with Divine Love or even Natural Love for that matter.

Somewhere within this exploration of the truth of how I really felt I also started to see how much I blamed the kids (and others) for everything that went on in my life, particularly the negative things. I felt that anything I didn’t like was their problem, anything they did that i didn’t approve - was their problem, I believed that they were the problem, that their behaviour was the issue, any excuse I could find, I found it and clung to it. I notice the majority of the world feels that children are the problem and blame them rather than taking personal responsibility and seeing the truth of the matter which is that children reflect their environment (which includes you their parents or caregiver).
Sadly children often agree with the parents and feel that they are the problem and take responsibility for their parents unloving actions towards them, when it has nothing to do with them and all to do with the parent not wanting to deal with their own issues).

I found it very confronting and challenging to accept that children are reflectors and they are reflecting me. I now find it ,mostly (sometimes still get down about it) fascinating to explore and experiment with how perfect each child is in helping me to learn about Love.

The children you attract into your life, (I believe that you attract the perfect soul to you rather than the common belief that children choose us as their parents), are the perfect gift, at the perfect time, with the perfect nature etc, they are the perfect soul at that moment in time for you to learn about how God Loves. When we choose to have children I feel that we also need to choose to Love them, as God loves us (and sincerely look at why we don’t want to do this is the case), and not expect & demand that they to love us and do what we want them to do, that is not their role and it a demand that I feel needs to be healed. Which is why the above reflection question is so powerful if sincerely engaged.

Children are truly awesome teachers and they do it totally unconsciously. I feel that if we want to see the truth of our soul condition that it is very easy to see with children, because everything that happens to them - particularly when they are young, but even as adults to various degrees - is a Law of Attraction for ME the parent, if we always bring it back to ourselves, then we have the opportunity to learn so much. Often I notice that I am so insensitive that it is not until our children get harmed in some way that I actually will look at the issue. This is extremely unloving on my part, and I mention it and encourage anyone who is a parent or desiring to be one to really develop the quality of Humility and use your Will to at least own your own emotions, but more importantly to truly FEEL them as they come up - I struggle with this as I have some fear to still work through around feeling my emotions, but I encourage everyone to do it as I see the results of not doing so now in the children physically, emotionally, spiritually, in fact in every way.

I have at times tried to kid myself that I have felt things I have not, but it is quickly highlighted through the children when I have or have not done something (it is also highlighted through other areas by the Law of Attraction, again due to this being about parenting I am putting it in context).

This is another exciting facet of being a parent, that when you sincerely deal with your own ‘stuff’, really feel the emotions in you and release them (causally) you don’t damage your kids. Even when you own your own ‘stuff’ (emotional injuries) there is immediate change.
At the same time I began dabbling with the question of ‘Do I REALLY want to love?’ I also began observing and experimenting a little with owning my own feelings. To explain this a little more I got truthful with how I felt in the moment and changes occurred.

An Example: I used to not be able to have a conversation with anyone without the children climbing all over me - especially the boys - all the time. They demanded, whinged, pulled my attention away, were loud and disruptive, it was horrible.

Jesus and Mary helped me a lot in this area and encouraged me to really feel how I felt when this happened, one time they gave a running commentary as to my feelings and what was coming out of me which was very enlightening. You can also do this for yourself when you get more connected with your feelings, though feeling them as they come up is always best.

At first I found it really difficult, but with time I noticed that I could feel what I felt more easily and I began to notice patterns, one was that every time I was in the company of certain people (spirit people and physical bodied people) I felt terrified and this was a time when their behaviour ramped up. As soon as I even owned that - ‘yes I am really afraid of…[insert feeling] ‘ for me one was someone getting angry at me, they would run off and play or quietly sit down at my feet.

As you can imagine over time this became life changing and now I can actually have a conversation without being interrupted. And when I am interrupted there is always a feeling in me to explore. I notice that often I pull them in, wanting the interruption, as it gives me an excuse to get away from a particular feeling [insert feeling that I am wanting to get away from here] - this is unloving on my part as I am using them emotionally and demanding them to ‘save me’.

Why I share this is to encourage anyone who desires to, to start owning your own feelings rather than blaming others (and I suggest to not swap to blaming yourself - I have and it sucks and isn’t more loving to do so, in fact it gets nasty messy and manipulative and is very painful), to begin to explore and examine your real feelings, thoughts, beliefs, expectations and demands, ‘get real with how you feel’ smile, and begin to observe how your soul impacts those around you and how everything you need to learn about love right in this moment is reflected back to you by your children (and environment), or by children in your care or company. You were once a kid to remember? How did it feel for you? (Rhetorical self reflection question, smile.)

Love Eloisa

[Eloisa]

Oops Typo in my title.

Corrected it ought to read:

Do I Really want to Love? From Blaming Others to becoming More Truthful with myself about myself

[Niky]

I recognize that one, Eloisa. The holding a baby or being distracted by a child, or even a pet, in order to get away from a feeling in a social setting. I've done that. I recognize that some parents appear to have "clingy" children also, but it feels like the parents want them to be so that they can use it as an excuse.

I suppose when we take responsibility for our children's behavior, we might also let go of responsibility for our parents'.