It is great to get to know more about you! I see you found a beautiful space to spend time working on your relationship with God and healing your childhood emotions.
I myself have finally gotten to a similar space as well. I am on the outskirts of an area that has more than 10 people living in it though.
But I am happy for you both that you have such a lovely space.You wrote previously "so I spend a lot of time on my own on the farm. Loneliness is the word! Being alone, alone and more alone - so much pain there is in me to feel about that."
My sister, it may be difficult to feel through being alone, but in the end it will be worth it. I am 44 and just retired from the military. I have waited all my life to get away from all of that to figure out what is really going on in my life and who I really am as a person. Until I found Divine Truth I had no idea the depth of my emotional damage and the roots of where it came from.
Thankfully my desire to start dealing with suppressed emotions led me to Divine Truth happened the first time I set out to inquire about that topic. I held out the last 4 years of my service just to get to this place, a time in my life that I can finally just work on being me and heal without much outside disturbance and distraction. It is a beautiful thing and I am grateful for the opportunity.
I struggle at times with going back into the workforce, but I don't necessarily desire it. I have to feel about why not, really. I won't until I can find something that I actually want to do, which is part of it. I don't want to settle for anything now that I now that it is ok to have a loving desire for myself. I struggle with this decision, because I know then that my processing time and working on healing will become limited once again and I don't feel good about that. So I just watch the jobs and see if I can/will go back into the workforce at some point. I am also looking at going to school for massage therapy. If I do something now, I want it to be in an area that I can help people and this is a consideration. At least if I do this I can work on my own schedule and availability so this is more likely a better course of action for me.
I also had to consider the spirits that I have around constantly trying to hinder me. I really had to start loving myself and stop staying busy ALL OF THE TIME. I just bought this home in June and there is so much still to do around here. The inside of my house is mostly together and I keep it clean. I also maintain the outside as well, but trust me the old me would be up at the crack of dawn and doing stuff all day if I didn't get it under control. I am an expert at knowing how to stay busy instead of feeling my emotions. That in itself was a rough transition. I couldn't sleep for more than 4 hours, I would be up at like 3 am, etc. I felt like that change was like coming off of some sort of addiction. As I typed that, I just laughed, because it truly was. That is how the last 26 years of my life has been, wide open, so I guess that I shouldn't be so hard on myself considering I am only in my 5th month into Divine Truth.
The feeling of being alone.....yes indeed it is there. A bit different for me though. I love being here by myself! I didn't leave the house one time for a whole week, which is huge for me considering what my life looked like about 5 months ago or even 3 months ago for that matter. I enjoy my beautiful space and the opportunity to focus on Divine Truth, healing my emotions, and working on my relationship with God. I wouldn't trade this part for the world and I am sure that there are a lot of people that wish they had the opportunity that we currently have to have this alone time.
My alone is different in that I have childhood damage of my parents being "around", but me mostly being alone, having to fend for myself, figure it out, etc. Them not really loving me as well, that is also something to feel. So I have a fear of ending up in this lifetime alone as well....without my soulmate....that is where my alone is different. But a feeling I need to feel nonetheless. Believing that it is true that there are people in this world that just do not love is one of my biggest issues to deal with.
So I just wanted to send you some love and encouragement my sister. Embrace the space that you are in and keep crying out to our loving God. If you choose to feel through that alone space your own little part of Switzerland will be a much more enjoyable space!
Please come back in and chat anytime. That is why Nicky created this awesome space, so that all of us that are scattered can communicate.
Sending love your way, have a great day!
Cari