Hi

[Laura T]

Hi everyone,

My name is Laura Tolli and I have listening to Divine Truth for five years now. I am currently in the process of moving, from a small country town in NSW to Briz Vegas! (Brisbane). It is a big change and one that is highlighting a lot of fears for me. I am afraid I will get lost on the new roads, I'm afraid of leaving this little safe home of mine and move into a new place with other people. I am afraid of confrontation, of being attacked and most of all I am REALLY afraid to be myself.

I have been noticing the difference when I feel soft and open and I want to pause the moment and have it last forever. My husband and daughter feel ME and all is SO yummy! The thing is though that it rarely happens and when it does it only last a short while, until I feel one pinch of condescension or any emotion in which I get threatened and BANG! The walls are up and the armour around my heart is locked up once again. I have not yet come to a soul awareness that this rigid hard wall does not protect me. It is not my "safe space." I can not create in this place, give in this place. I can not serve, laugh, cry, be known or know anybody when I choose this. Yet I believe it is a better option rather than feeling how afraid I am, how unsafe I feel or how shamed I feel.

I am in the process of working through this more sincerely than in the past when it just felt like a normal state to be in. It really hurts being hard and closed and I've been choosing that all my life believing it to be serving me. I realised the other day that my hardness around my heart does not protect me from future or potential harm but keeps the harm that has already been done to me locked in my soul. It was painful to feel that as I believed as a child that that was the only way to stop attack. I thought that I was shielding myself away from their violent projections. I was glad to have found a 'clever' mechanism of defense. But it is so far from the truth. I watched Mary's recommended talk recently of The Law of Attraction where Jesus says we must remove the defenses and let the attacking emotions enter us because it is God's loving way to help us release the pain that IS ALREADY THERE INSIDE OF US. I felt a moment of gasp from the audience and my breath fell short for a second too. I understand this now intellectually and now together with God am working for that truth and the faith required to do that enter my soul. (of course he is not implying to just take abuse because that wouldn't be loving to yourself, but rather just feel the attack and the pain that's there instead of defending with anger, closure or withdrawal.) I highly recommend that video too, after 5 years I still haven't got the basics at all! (The talk is posted up on Mary's latest blog and was recorded in 2007)

I am very much looking forward to the assistance group next year and learning more about the first lesson in the education of love series; Developing the will to love. I like the analogy of Mary's as seeing it like training a muscle. It takes time, will, dedication, persistence, faith and you can't see any change straight away sometimes, but one day you look in the mirror and see those triceps all toned and defined and wham! You no longer have flabby tuckshop arms!! I've experienced that so it helps me a lot.

Thank you Nicky for all your time and devotion and dedication to Divine Truth. I can feel how much you give and your desire to serve. Your heart is open and you freely express and have a developed sense of self. That is what I aspire to. You are an inspiration, as are all the site moderators and I don't even need to mention Jesus and Mary!! Those two amazing souls have assisted me in my life personally in ways that I can not even begin to express. One day I might though, just to see how wide open I can allow my heart to be!!

Thanks again

Laura T

[Nicky]

Hi Laura

Welcome to the forum. Some parts of your intro really made me laugh, particularly the bit about developing our will to love and how you related it to having a more defined body...which is kinda true

I've seen you on a number of Divine Truth videos in the past, so would like to say thank you for the times you got involved in the discussions and asked questions as they definitely helped me understand some things better.

I hope you find any time spent here useful in your development. Great to meet you.

Nicky

[Elvira]

Hi Laura,
nice to see you here, I have often wondered how you and Fab are going.

I just love the way you talked about the hardness around you heart and how lovely it is in open moments when people can really feel you. I can really relate. I've struggled with letting my hard armour go believing I couldn't survive in the world without it. The way you described how 'one pinch of condescension' shuts you down helped me look (again!) how the hardness around my heart sadly means that I am hard on others and the painful, unloving impact of that.

Best wishes for your move.

All my best Elvira

[Laura T]

Hi Nicky, hi Elvira,

Thanks for taking the time to read my introduction.

Much love to you both,

Laura Tolli