Hi All - from NY

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Marina Smargiannakis
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Hi All - from NY

Post by Marina Smargiannakis » Sun Sep 20, 2015 6:43 pm

Hello There,

First I'd like to thank Nicky for developing this desire to have an open forum while in alignment with Divine Truth principles. Thank you!

Up until a few months ago, I would've found this topic very easily to participate in, as I was heavily invested in my facade in showing others my 'best' self. Since working through this aspect, I find myself sharing with reticence, but am also happy for this opportunity.

My name is Marina Smargiannakis and I am a born-and-raised New Yorker. I grew up in a conservative Greek family, and I am first-generation born.
I lived in Greece from 2008-2011, in order to do some soul-searching. In that time, in 2009, I found myself watching my first DVD- Law of Attraction- about this guy who says he's Jesus, and also mentions a LOT of things about the Law of Attraction. :)

I will briefly say that the first time I watched the DVD, I started crying immediately and was floored by the fact that some random dude was verbalizing so many things I had felt and never said. My life has never been the same, and I share a great Love for Mary and Jesus for their awesomeness and care in sharing the greatest Truth out there. I love you both VERY much!

I am currently back in NY after re-connecting with my soulmate, someone I've known my entire existence. I am pretty obsessed with this topic, but the main reason is that I am very needy for my other half, as it gives me purpose. It is my favorite subject, and also the most difficult for me to work through, because it has so much to do with my own issues that I am afraid of. When I am not connected to my emotions, I feel many topics are a load of crap, and my suicidal tendencies increase. It is very embarrassing for me to write that publicly, but it is the truth.

I used to think that since I've known my soulmate my whole life, and I've reconnected with him after 15 years, that it made me 'cooler', or closer to some sort of truth about halves. The truth is though, I am in great addiction, and have pursued a lot of unloving relationships and actions to cover all of my fears and 'ease' my anger. My soulmate constantly chooses other partners, and then we will connect briefly, and so on. This has been very exhausting for me, and I feel tired, and sort-of tortured and hopeless about it these days.

I actually feel at this point, that, some of the beliefs that I carry about myself, and people in general, are so deeply embedded, I often make the comparison to it being like a 'limb'. Not believing, for example, that only thin, beautiful, people can have the best love and adoration is like cutting off my arm. That's just one example. I have understood that it's my mom's (and sisters) belief passed down, but I do not know how to heal that.

Anyway, though, I understand that working towards our relationship with God is truly the ONLY way to have permanent love in our lives, but at this moment, because of a lot of my anger that I have, along with my fear, I am not able to connect to God too much. I can't really connect to my Mom/Dad on a regular basis, but I AM making positive strides towards it. Most of the time, God seems as a 'Last Resort', and I hope to one day love Him with everything I have, and trust He/She wants the best for me.

Today I am actually a bit softer to my emotions, but it is usually not the case. Both Aj and Mary have given me excellent feedback regarding my demands, sexual terror, and what it is I actually fear will happen if I progress.

My #1 fear is that my feeling of 'I'm nothing' will be in full-force and that will be my main adjective to all who know me. Then it's being alone. Forever. Like a cat-lady, minus the cats.

I am a painter, and I enjoy doing commission pieces and painting for fun. I used to use it as an escape, and a form of identity. I feel different about that now.
I also work in Film Production, as a Production Coordinator, which is not as exciting as painting is to me.

That's my story, and looking to grow with my brothers and sisters on the only path that has ever made real sense and lasted. :D

Thanks!

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Mary
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Re: Hi All - from NY

Post by Mary » Sun Sep 20, 2015 11:12 pm

Love you girl.

And this cracks me up:
Then it's being alone. Forever. Like a cat-lady, minus the cats.
I have totally felt like that.

Also, I wanted to share that working through my facade and thus growing a sincere desire to connect to my hurt/real self again is leading me to feeling emotions and confronting fears more naturally and without so much anger/drama/feeling of pressure or panic about 'what that feeling is going to be like' or the feeling that 'I have to get this (emotional work) done'.

So I encourage you to keep working on letting go of your facade and addictions. This is still your big area. You grew up with many addictions being created and met by your parents and these are some of the hardest addictions to let go (the ones formed in childhood and taught to you as being just and things you are entitled to).

Love
Mary

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Nicky
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Re: Hi All - from NY

Post by Nicky » Mon Sep 21, 2015 8:24 am

Hi Marina

Welcome to the forums. As soon as I first heard the Secrets of the Universe S1P1 video on YouTube I too felt straight away that I was viewing/listening to the Truth of things...it was an awesome 2 hours!

Nice to meet you and look forward to getting to know you better in the future.

Nicky

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Marina Smargiannakis
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Re: Hi All - from NY

Post by Marina Smargiannakis » Mon Sep 21, 2015 3:40 pm

Hi Nicky and Hi Mary!


Nicky, thank you for the warm welcome, and it is very nice to meet you as well.


Mary, thank you (also) for the warm welcome and for your words of encouragement. I had a question about something you wrote in terms of addictions.

You wrote:
(the ones formed in childhood and taught to you as being just and things you are entitled to).
Would you mind please giving me a couple of examples of what some of my error-based 'just' beliefs are? I feel I may understand entitlement stuff being like 'You need to love me the way I am', etc., but I'm not sure.

Thank you. :)

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Mary
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Re: Hi All - from NY

Post by Mary » Tue Sep 22, 2015 1:48 am

Hi Marina,

This is a BIG area for you and Jesus and I have tried to point out many of your unloving expectations and entitlement feelings in the past. You are however very resistive to connecting emotionally with the truth of what we are saying and to feeling how unloving you are to others when you act and project these feelings. This is why you are now asking me the question again and why I am hesitant to simply repeat to you what the issues are.

These emotions are the way that you are sinning every day and therefore holding onto these entitlements and demands on your environment is having a serious negative impact on your soul condition.

I feel that it would benefit you a lot to spend some time in self reflection and prayer about it because, though I will mention a couple of specific big ones again, these false beliefs that you took on in childhood about what you are entitled to are pervasive and effect a lot of areas of your life in many ways and in many relationships. As yet you still haven't grown the desire to see and feel the truth about these things.

One issue that I have tried to point out to you in the past is your demand for special attention, to be viewed as special and to have adoration from men. This is why the man you feel is your soulmate struggles to remain attracted to you. He feels oppressed by the level of demand you have upon him for him to give you emotions of being wonderful, gifted, pretty, special and for him to be completely interested in you (while you are rarely if ever interested in him personally aside from what he can give you). His own mother has many of these same demands and he finds that so oppressive that he has taken up many addictive habits to try to avoid the deep sense of suppression and oppression he feels from women in his life.

Your father has projected a lot of these 'special' and worthy of special attention emotions towards you growing up and that is why you now feel entitled to them. So much so that you rarely notice how demanding you are for the special attention of others and you certainly don't see it as a sin.

The resistance to seeing how many demands one places on their environment and how truly sinful this is, is an issue for a number of people who are listening to Divine Truth at the moment. Living like this and refusing to see the sin in it - actually viewing the state as righteous - seriously degrades an individual's soul condition. So I will think about another area on the forum that I can post some of this content as well. Hopefully it will be of some assistance to you and to others.

Love,
Mary

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Maxine
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Re: Hi All - from NY

Post by Maxine » Tue Sep 22, 2015 8:43 am

Hi Mary and Marina,

Thank you for this post. I feel I too have this demand to my environment going on and yes I am justifying it and holding onto it - probably to avoid all the feeling that I didn't get these needs met when I was a child.

Whatever the cause, it is dark emotions. Will keep praying and looking at why I don't want to see/feel the truth either or feel it is sinful even.

Maxine

AllaBarsoukova
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Re: Hi All - from NY

Post by AllaBarsoukova » Wed Sep 23, 2015 11:57 am

Thank you very much Mary. Need to get to want to see and feel these (or similar) patterns in myself too.

Alla

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Marina Smargiannakis
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Re: Hi All - from NY

Post by Marina Smargiannakis » Sat Sep 26, 2015 3:03 am

Hi Mary,

I wanted to say thank you for your feedback. I have been fluctuating with feelings of denial, numbness, anger, embarrassment and guilt, in alternating orders, since reading what you wrote.

I think the hardest part to accept is the HOW much I am hurting my environment, and my brothers this way. It was really, really hard to just sit there and read everything and be like, 'seriously, am I really that bad?'

In recent years, I have been increasingly more miserable in the relationship area, and I would like become a better human being, and to feel that I could be a better half soul, to love Nick (my soulmate), to have more loving sleep-state experiences, and to have a more joyful life, in general.

I know that you and Jesus love me and want the best for me, I appreciate that. I had forgotten that even in acknowledgement of some of the addictions, the LoA uncomfortably ramps up. I am still in the 'scratching the surface' place.

Thanks again. <3

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