Physical Discomfort

[Sage]

Reading Nicky's intro reminded me again that the pain I am experiencing in my body is a resistance to Truth. It is a painful realization, because I have a lot of pain in my body which forces me to look at the Truth of that. In my Facade I see myself as seeking Truth, but only Truth I'm comfortable with or that which aligns with my old and sometimes false beliefs, and especially not Truth that challenges my true motivations at times: fear. As my facade lessens this too changes.

I have prayed continually to grow in Love and Truth and have experienced a consistent increase in Law of Attraction events that bring up emotions within me as well as an increase in physical pain. I recognize that I am attracting these events to help me expose and feel the errors in my soul, but I don't always know how to truly engage with the emotions that are arising. I am sure this is largely due to the denial and resistance within me (to Truth, to feeling my emotions, to loving myself). This is difficult for me due to my addiction to self punishment, as soon as I realize I am responsible for my state I go into the old patterns of negative self talk and indulgence in physical addictions that are unloving to me, and the cycle tightens. This is occurring less and less as I become more and more aware and stop the self punishing cycle by feeling the emotions that arise instead of stuffing them with various addictions, but it is by no means gone.

I feel that if I could truly accept God's Truth about me: "I am the pinnacle of God's creation", I am loved unconditionally, I am supported to grow in Truth and Love, to name a few, I will be able to progress much more rapidly and truly be able to help others progress. So for now, it is about feeling the errors within me and all of the emotions attached to them, opening myself up to the Truth and continuing to grow in Love. I'm just working on the 'how' of all of those. Again, I am reminded of Jesus saying something like "it is simple, but not always easy". I listen to Jesus and Mary talk, I think "of course its so simple" then I try to implement the teachings in my life and I struggle and I struggle, but fortunately I struggle less and less and it does become easier

In appreciation,
Sage

[Arvarna]

Hi Sage,
I am not sure I am really going to be able to help you, as I have created a huge amount of physical pain in my body too and am in the process of trying to allow my feelings come up and out and let my body heal.

However there are a few things that I have heard AJ mention about physical pain, and a few things I have noticed with my physical pain increasing a lot over the last few years:

I recall AJ saying, at one of the Assistance Groups last year (from memory – in the Repentence & Forgiveness Conceptions section) that most of our physical pain is a result of our unloving actions towards *others*. (this is from memory - I would have to watch it again to quote word for word)

I also just recently listened to Andrew Nairn’s feedback session (20150923) about his lung cancer (he has since passed). One very interesting thing that I found was that AJ was saying that Andrews’s lung cancer was not created by his causal sadness, but that his demands towards women (that help him get away from experiencing his sadness) created his lung cancer. (again this is from my memory of what he said).

I found this interesting as I have been under the impression that all physical pain is created from denied causal emotions. It was also kind of a relief as I was putting all this pressure on myself to have to deal with a whole bunch of causal emotions.


A few things that I have noticed with my pain increasing over the years:
I have not had a feeling of wanting to love people, or care for people, and have not had a feeling of really desiring to learn about God’s definition of love. This has caused me to choose to do a lot of unloving things, knowing that they were not loving, but still doing them anyway. I have not wanted to live in harmony with love.

I have constantly blamed, attacked and punished others for how I feel.

I have totally wanted to shut down my emotions and not feel anything, and as a result I have used food/technology addictions and also addictions with other people to get me away from how I feel.

I have not wanted to take responsibility for pretty much anything in my life.

I have not wanted to look after or care for myself. I have done a lot of self-punishing, and have made a lot of choices in my life that were really quite unloving to myself.

I feel I am quite a demanding person with a lot of expectations.

I have been really stressed out about certain physical pains, living in a huge amount of fear all the time, and have had a huge number of appointments with doctors and medical professionals relating to my physical problems (particularly over the last 2 years). I have felt quite demanding of these people to help me and to tell me what is going on.

I have not wanted to accept that *I* am the one who has created my physical pain.


(Have you noticed similar things about yourself at all?)


I do feel that a combination of things I mentioned above have resulted in my physical pain increasing. And in particular heavily shutting down my emotions and harming others. Quite a number of the issues I am experiencing with my body, I never had 5 years ago (before I started heavily shutting down).

There have been a few times when I have had quite a noticeable sensation of relief within my body after seriously getting into some anger, and also a couple of times when I was breathing diagrammatically into my fear. I just haven’t gotten to the point yet where I have totally healed a physical pain though.

I am in the process of getting into my emotions more, and stopping the engagement of particular addictions, and hope to be able to reply in the future with an experience of clearing up a physical pain.

I am not sure if that is helpful to you at all.

Arvarna

oh, I just remembered. I have been meaning to watch the Human Soul series of FAQ's - I have watched a couple at the beginning of this year where AJ was talking about suppression of emotions and creating physical pain. I just thought I would mention them to you as those FAQ's may be helpful to you too, if you haven't already seen them.

[Arvarna]

Woops, that was supposed to be *** Repentance and Forgiveness Concepts not conceptions hahaha and also I was supposed to write diaphragmatically

[Phoebe Bruce]

Hi Sage,

I just thought to send you the link to Luli Faber's website and e books, based on Divine Truth teachings, about healing your own pain.

http://www.healyourownpain.com/

Perhaps this could be of some assistance,

Phoebe

[Sage]

Hi there,

Thank you both for your responses, I appreciate so much being able to have honest conversations. Phoebe, I found Luli's book a couple of weeks ago and read and related, then it came time to start to act and that is when I shut down. My intentions were to do so (write out the lists, go deeply in understanding hoping to move from intellectual to emotional awareness) but I haven't yet used my will in that way. I am praying for the strength and courage to do so soon, but I believe that I first have to feel my way through my resistances and false beliefs surrounding deserving and worth.

Arvarna, thank you for your reflections and input. I am definitely at a point of confusion that your response has helped me see a little more clearly (or at least got me started asking the right questions).

you write:

that most of our physical pain is a result of our unloving actions towards *others*

I feel that I save most of my unloving behaviour for myself, but I have recently been becoming aware of how my 'loving' behaviour towards others is really just an addiction I have to 'helping, fixing, saving the day, being seen as so kind and great'. I am beginning to wonder what the Truth is here. I have been praying for the error to be exposed and i have definitely been reaching some emotion, but again the confusion sets in as I am not sure if it is tantrum, facade, or real emotion (as I have been experiences micro changes in my attractions and slightly more changes in my responses to situations). I have a lack of trust and faith in myself which makes seeing what is truly happening difficult at times. I used to feel very confident in my self awareness, then I started degrading physically and experiencing chronic allergy symptoms that impacted every aspect of my life and I knew that something was wrong beyond the environmental factors. My confidence in my self awareness waned and I just realized that I was lost and seeking the quick fix. About two years into these new allergies I discovered the Divine Truth and have been half heartedly 'trying' to address the emotional errors and injuries within me. I keep hearing Jesus, Mary and Cornelius, from the assistance groups saying that all fear, resistance is really about three things:

• my lack of faith in myself and in God
  my fear of emotional overwhelm
  and my resistance to God's Truth

I am sure these are the same things (or some combination of them) that are holding me in this discomfort.

You write:

to choose to do a lot of unloving things, knowing that they were not loving, but still doing them anyway.

I feel for myself I tend to act inwards instead of acting outwards. In other words, I tend to treat myself very unlovingly even when I aware that is what I am doing. I am realizing that some of my unloving behaviour also ends up being unloving towards others, and I am starting to feel the sin in that. The problem rests in the fact that I do not yet see the sin in treating myself unlovingly and I continue to do so. I believe that this is a large reason why the pain in my body is increasing: I am willfully choosing to be unloving to myself, to feed my emotional and physical addictions and to live in the pain instead of going through it.

You ask:

(Have you noticed similar things about yourself at all?)

There are certainly a few I see the similarities in:

I have totally wanted to shut down my emotions and not feel anything, and as a result I have used food/technology addictions and also addictions with other people to get me away from how I feel.

For sure! constantly aware of whether or not I am using my will in the direction of love in relation to these.

I have not wanted to take responsibility for pretty much anything in my life.

I am pretty good at taking responsibility for where I am, but I still have a strong desire (addiction) to have someone 'rescue me' from the situation I have created.

I have not wanted to look after or care for myself. I have done a lot of self-punishing, and have made a lot of choices in my life that were really quite unloving to myself.

Definitely concur here as I've explained above

I feel I am quite a demanding person with a lot of expectations.

I feel that I am not a very demanding person as I tend to just go 'hermit' when things don't go my way, but I am beginning to look more closely at that and allowing myself to see the demands I place on people. As I grow in love I am noticing the sincerity in what used to be facade interactions of allowing others their free will, but there is still a lot more room for growth here.

I appreciate hearing some of your story and your reflections on your personal growth. I will check out the FAQ's. There just always seems to be so many things that I would benefit from hearing!

Thanks again. I wish you both the strength and courage to continue growing on the way to God.
Sage

[Tara]

I have found myself that resistance in feeling emotions will result in pain. Sage, have you made a list of things besides truth you are in resistance to? I find also there is usually more there than what I feel when I start feeling things. For example, I have been in resistance to feeling my anger and it has been this past summer where I have been open to feeling and admitting I have anger. Before this I was in denial of my anger, even when others would point it out to me. I have found prayer and guidance from my guides and God to be very helpful in this process, especially asking for growth through my Law of Attraction to bring events to help me learn; at first I was not opened very much as each event occurred my openness grew. I also found myself trying to feel things backwards, starting with grief, then fear because these were the emotions I was willing to feel then when I was open to feel my anger I found that I could not feel these emotions without feeling the anger first since there was more to feel after the anger was felt. AJ recommends we feel the anger, fear, then the grief which I feel is the best way to feel things through because now I have to go back and feel the anger and follow the process through again. The more I feel I also find that other pain starts coming up which is good because that tells me there is a problem in that area to focus on and it tells me that I am feeling more of myself and not being as numb as I once was. Hope this helps.

[Sage]

Hi Tara,

Thanks so much for your post. I have been thinking about the idea of anger, at first I dismissed the idea that I have suppressed anger and then I came to realize that it is because it is so well suppressed that I am hardly aware of it. I have been spending the last while trying to connect with my anger, praying for understanding of the resistance, praying for the strength and courage to get into it. I am realizing that I have very clearly and effectively suppressed any anger from a very young age. It is very far and few between when I allow that anger to be felt and when I do it is definitely living in it and not going through it. I am currently experiencing law of attraction events that are igniting my anger and now I have to use my Will to feel through them (that part is still very challenging for me, but God is answering my prayers and that helps me build some of the faith in myself and Her that I am lacking).

Right now I am working on connecting with times I felt angry and reminding myself what anger feels like, reminding myself that I do get angry and I do feel anger. It seems that I have to convince myself that this too is something I need to feel. I realize that I am way more comfortable feeling grief then fear or anger and that is slowing my progress.

Thank you again for your feedback, it is so wonderful to have an outside perspective.

Smiles,
Sage