My other half

[Phoebe Bruce]

I had a realisation recently about the way I am treating my soulmate.

I have no idea who my soulmate is, or if I have met him even. And for the longest time I have been telling myself I think I want him in my life, to know who he is, to engage a relationship with him. I know Mary and Jesus have taught that my injuries, especially towards men, are repelling the other half of me, but I only have ever really thought about that. Not felt it as truth.

But what has happened is that I have begun to feel that my soulmate is actually a person, too. I have allowed myself to start to feel what it would be like to be in the presence of this real person, this man, this child of God with all the experience, memories, past, passions and desires that he has. I felt how it might be to stand face to face with this person, and I became acutely aware of how much I want to TAKE and TAKE and TAKE from him. There is almost a brutality or a violence in the feelings coming from me towards him...I'm not sure how else to describe it. I don't know the exact emotions that are creating this defense, other than that they are so repellent, so demanding and hostile. I feel I do not know how to be soft and gentle with this person, this other part of me. Its almost like I am a stone statue when I imagine looking into my soulmate's eyes.

I realise also that I have demanded of him to rescue me and fix me since I was maybe 13 years old...when I first started yearning for a mate in a very needy way. Yes, I have heard all this about how the soul repels the other half etc but to actually begin to see the sin of it is really confronting but cool too. And for the first time I am being real with myself that I have not wanted my soulmate, contrary to what I have believed. This feels to me like a really good starting point to actually coming to be aware of some of the feelings inside me that repel my other half. And wow, I am actually hurting this person, over and over, with my refusal to change.

Oh and the other cool thing I have noticed is that I have started to have these kind of realisations and feelings about my soulmate since more or less forgetting about the whole Soulmate issue! I was OBSESSED for such a long time, making it my priority over God, but now I'm kind of slowly reorganisaing my priorities and new truth just kind of creeps in! Eloisa described a similar concept beautifully in one of her recent posts, about prayer I think, and how God knows so much better what we're ready for than we do, and often its when we feel least ready that we receive truth, or our prayers are answered.