I can sort of recognize how my fear of not living now with my true soulmate (that it would be someone else rather than my husband) has more to do with an old fear and grief regarding my dad becoming "a stranger" (as in being drunk very often, and allowing himself to get overcloaked - even as an adult I feel really nauxious when someone put's on a Halloween mask or something - it scares me that there could be someone else rather than the person I'm used to being there!).
So now, I'm at a point where I try to avoid my fear about "him being someone else" very much. I've felt from the moment I first met my husband (we've been a couple for almost 5 years now) that we are as close as two persons can be, or rather as close as I can allow myself to be to another person in my current state, like if we really are two halves of one soul. Back then I didn't even know the basics of this soulmate creation we all are a part of, but still felt like this. I did certainly not feel that kind of immediate love and attraction to my other three partners before him.
Now, I feel that I'm requiring of myself to take one more step on my Heal The Soul Journey, and fears kick in that I might have been wrong, that in spite of it all feeling so right, and in spite of me still watching carefully not to being unloving and slipping into co-dependency, and also taking care of unloving emotions and issues that I still find is there between us sometimes, there may be more curtains before my eyes to unveil before I fully know if he is or is not my soulmate.
The grief I feel is in there somewhere when thinking that he is not/might not be my soulmate, feels like something connected to those childhood experiences. But I fear that after grieving through that, I may end up needing to realize that he isn't. And that fear feels like a very overvaluated thing to go through right now, since I am so happy to "know" that he is my soulmate at the moment..! I love him so much, but feel restrained by my unhealed emotions to go further and deepen our relationship from my side.
My sexuality and sharing it/my body with someone are also very much anger triggering, although I feel that I don't want to acknowledge that anger and resentment, because I just want to enjoy our intimate moments together, not getting all angry about things that he can't really help is there in me.
My memories are that my dad abused me sexually when I was about 4, only it wasn't actually him doing those things, but rather some spirit person/s overcloaking him when he was drunk. My memories are also only about some hands being in the completely wrong place to where they should be, and nothing more serious than that, and I'm not at all sure about if other things may have occurred that I still haven't allowed to surface. I remember when I learned in my teenage years to not bite my jaws together so hard, because that would lead to headaches, and I hate having headaches. I haven't had many headaches at all, consequently, but as I write this, my jaws begin to feel very tense again.
My dad passed over into the spirit body existence last summer at the age of 61, which I grieved a lot, because when he wasn't drunk, or too invested in a new woman, or a bit oversexualized in his attitude towards women/females, or annoyed at something, he was still a very creative, funny and nature loving man, who told us (7 kids with 4 women) to sit up straight by the dinner table. I do miss him, and I feel like I can feel through my injured feelings, even my anger and hate, without judging him or blaming very much. I don't want to blame others for what I feel, even if I feel anger about what they've done to me.
When I wrote this, a bunch of flies with a very annoying, loud buzz started to fly around me (they enjoy the warmth of the laptop) in a very provocative way, which quite quickly got me into a tantrum leading equally quickly into a big cry, like when a baby has those big tears and large mouth and tense hands and arms, just crying of grief and frustration... Thanks God, that you allow me to get rid of whatever is in between you and me, even if it means to use the only little means available in this quiet, lonesome place out on the countryside in Sweden with so few human inhabitants per square kilometer...
