Humility is something I always thought I had, I thought I was quite capable of being intellectually aware of my emotions, as well as my addictions and other means of suppressing those emotions. I am realizing that the fullness of humility is far beyond just the awareness I thought it was, and what I am aware of is likely just the tip of the iceberg. I have always been the one who others look up to for my emotional maturity and stability, in fact I had built quite a solid facade around that. What I am realizing more and more is that although I have done a lot of emotional work, and I have made some soul based changes; I really became an expert at controlling my environment, talking myself in to a 'happier' state and denying my true feelings. There is a lot of unlearning (the errors) to do and learning/accepting the truth. Plus, feeling all the emotions that I had been suppressing and denying. Sheesh, it feel like a lot!
I am very challenged by the part of the definition that addresses feeling your feelings "regardless of what others think or feel about it" because I have been taught that I should not feel my emotions when they challenge others, make others feel bad or cause any kind of conflict. I know that this is an error within my soul that I need to feel, but I sure am having a hard time getting to the feeling part. I can intellectually acknowledge the error. I can see when I am not being humble around others who I feel will judge me, or hurt me or whatever. What I can't seem to do right now is really be humble to the emotions.
I get quite confused and end up shutting down all together. I am confused by the blocks that I have put in my way, the substitute emotions I have created, the resistance within me, the extensive errors I believe are true and being honest about my sincere desires. I have been praying a lot more lately and am slowly working on my emotions and errors in relationship to God. I have been aware of what the Law of Attraction is bringing into my life, but am not yet able to understand what it means. I need to face and feel the erroneous beliefs I have about being safe, my Trust (or lack thereof) in God in relation to that, and continue growing my Will to move through this confusion into knowing.
Mostly, I have to stop my addiction to running away and hiding then I will be able to become more humble and sincere because I will be more present and aware. This hopefully, can open the door to moving beyond the intellectual understanding and into the soul based feeling that needs to take place if I am to continue to grow on the way to God. Hopefully, I can continue to learn, challenge myself and grow.
Smiles to you all thanks for listening,
The gateway to God's Truth & Love
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