will Vs will power
Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 2:34 am
I am exploring the difference between will and will power.
This is especially the case with respect to challenging addictions.
All too often I have challenged my addictions only to discover that what I thought was using my will to challenge my addictions was actually using my will power to challenge my addictions.
If I am really truthful with myself I don't want to challenge my addictions hardly at all. As a result I am not working through the emotions that underlie my addictions and trying harder only causes a rebellion inside myself that pushes me in the wrong direction.
Rather than fighting myself I feel I need to work with where I actually am in my emotional condition and what is possible in this state.
So I am instead focussing on developing the genuine desire to feel, rather than intellectually convincing myself that I know what I am doing based on my intellectual understanding of what AJ says.
It seems like it is possible to actually desire to feel such that even uncomfortable emotions are in a way enjoyable because they feel so real.
Pretty much all of my life I have been trying to control my emotions with the result that any emotions I feel are not actually real.
I have come to the conclusion that my life has been wasted in façade and avoidance and so is "unreal".
Anything that feels "real" is beginning to have an allure. Such feelings are pretty rare but when they come up I attempt to take notice and try to allow myself to surrender to them. That seems to be about as much as I can currently accomplish without using will power (trying).
This is especially the case with respect to challenging addictions.
All too often I have challenged my addictions only to discover that what I thought was using my will to challenge my addictions was actually using my will power to challenge my addictions.
If I am really truthful with myself I don't want to challenge my addictions hardly at all. As a result I am not working through the emotions that underlie my addictions and trying harder only causes a rebellion inside myself that pushes me in the wrong direction.
Rather than fighting myself I feel I need to work with where I actually am in my emotional condition and what is possible in this state.
So I am instead focussing on developing the genuine desire to feel, rather than intellectually convincing myself that I know what I am doing based on my intellectual understanding of what AJ says.
It seems like it is possible to actually desire to feel such that even uncomfortable emotions are in a way enjoyable because they feel so real.
Pretty much all of my life I have been trying to control my emotions with the result that any emotions I feel are not actually real.
I have come to the conclusion that my life has been wasted in façade and avoidance and so is "unreal".
Anything that feels "real" is beginning to have an allure. Such feelings are pretty rare but when they come up I attempt to take notice and try to allow myself to surrender to them. That seems to be about as much as I can currently accomplish without using will power (trying).