Now that I've opened the vortex, can't reel it back in, nor do I want to

[Eloisa]

Hi to those who are have contributed to this thread,

I have been thinking a lot about your posts here and the rage and anger that you guys shared about and are choosing to live in and to varying degrees justify between yourselves and to yourselves.

I had some mixed feelings about it all.

My concern is how much I feel you want to live in your rage/anger rather than choosing to Love. (This can apply to any emotion or addiction we choose to live in e.g. self punishment, anger, fear, shame etc). I notice that you entertain the idea of change and it being different and I felt at times you really love the idea. But the desire does not feel strong yet, why I say this is that if it was, you would probably live far less in the angry feelings and feel more of the other feelings underneath the rage/anger, which your anger is guiding you too (you mention your fear of these).

I must admit at first I was quite afraid at the level of rage I could feel from you towards your potential ‘soul mate’ and the demands that are there towards men in particular but also women maybe. I also felt really concerned at how violent and harmful you fantasise about being to your soulmate.

I realised after reading some other posts and having some personal Law of Attraction events with passive aggressive rage in the last few days that it was a relief with your rage being so transparent and you being so honest about it. I don’t condone it, but I could feel a difference between those who are real about their rage and those of us who pretend we don’t have it at all when it is totally coming out like a full powered fire hydrant hose.

So, the biggest thing that stood out to me is the lack of desire to Love.

I feel that this is where each of us falls down. We want to stay resistant, hold onto our unlovingness and justify our unloving actions and ‘have the option’ to be unloving ‘if we want to be’ both to ourselves and to others.

As I reflect upon this I feel that Mary’s post some time ago is a good place to go to:

viewtopic.php?f=11&t=600

It can feel difficult to face - but - sin in my soul = sin in my soul. There is no way to mitigate it really….

…Not acting, e.g. not running the van at all because you can't decide on which way to take, still doesn't mitigate the sin in your soul either.

Cheers,
Mary

Jesus often tells me that there is no third option - you either deal with your issues (option 1) or you don't (option 2).

Option 1 is the loving way and option 2 is not.

And eventually I want to be in the place where the second option (not dealing) isn't even a consideration either. That is, that I will only ever feel that there is one option - to deal with my sin in all circumstances.

M

For me I feel that is a great place to begin to get honest with myself. What is the sin in my soul? Am I going to deal with it or not? If not, why not? If yes feel and do everything in order to feel.

I also feel that it is a great opportunity (as Nicky pointed out to me) to expose feelings and what is really going on and get clear about what the real issues are rather than what we may perceive them to be.

Mary also has some feedback on this thread which is a helpful example:

viewtopic.php?f=25&t=562&p=1978&hilit=a ... oval#p1978


On another note:

I noticed Laura that you got angry, defensive and condescending, dismissing Pierre when he asked you about the ‘physical punishment’ you mentioned in one of your posts.

Your reply to Pierre was:

I don't know why you want an example of when i'm physically punished, I don't see how that is relevant

Though you don’t have to share about it, the feelings you projected at Pierre for asking were not kind and felt attacking towards him, and they also set it up so that others are less likely to question you in case they receive the same response.

When I read your post I had the same question as Pierre.. I wanted to know what you were referring to. When I read further and got to your response to Pierre it was very strong and I thought, ‘Laura feels pretty angry at Pierre asking about this, I wonder firstly why she even mentioned it if she doesn’t want to discuss it and secondly, what happened and why is she so upset about it?’

I felt to mention this to you as you may have been unaware about the projections coming out of you.

I have been reading a number of posts between you guys (Laura and Marina) and I noticed a theme: anger being exposed or expressed & at times being commiserated about, across a range of different subjects (e.g. meat eating viewtopic.php?f=52&t=632 ). I thought this was quite interesting and see some opportunities that the Law of attraction is offering you. I wondered if you had noticed them?

All the best,

Eloisa

[Laura Berry]

Dear Eloisa and Pierre

Thank you for pointing out my anger, I can see I was angry in my last response to Pierre and although I am not condoning my anger at all, I thought it best to explain the feelings I had.

I was bullied by my neighbours for a year about 5 years ago and the bullying I received was gas lighting type of bullying (gas lighting is hiding bullying behind seemingly normal actions that are actually direct attacks against an individual) for example every time I spoke in the garden they would smack the bin lid and if I didn't stop talking they would do it repeatedly until I stopped. It felt very violent and directly aimed at me. They also smacked the wall next to where I slept when I went to bed (the houses where I live are not noise proof you can tell where everyone is if you really want to). Because of the nature of this bullying it has taken me a long time to accept it is actually physically abusive. For example everytime I hear a bin lid being smacked It triggers feelings that I am going to not survive or something really bad is going to happen to me it feels like I am being physically punished or the threat of it is imminent. I have in the past just gone into self defensive anger. Because I was getting to the grief of this which I have really struggled with. I felt that spirits with Pierre wanted me to provide a "concrete example" to get me out of feeling it because they know due to the gas lighting nature of it that I doubt it. So it felt like a spirit attack upon myself and I reacted with defensive anger. It worked I haven't been able to connect with it again. That is why I was blunt and gave that image of leave me alone because I felt I cant get away from the spirits and I had a feeling I had to be direct with them. Which is all avoiding my pain too.

I am sorry I was angry again and because this is something that keeps coming up for me and I am hurting people with it, I am going to take some time away and try and address this anger more now. I am sorry to effect anyone on this forum with it and I don't want to keep doing it so thank you Eloisa for pointing this out and apologies Pierre for my reaction and you don't deserve any anger I gave you.

Laura

[Laura Berry]

Also I just want to add, the meat eating post wasn't me it is a different Laura.

[Nicky]

Hi

I would just like to add a bit more here, more so for my brother Pierre to help you see what went on for you here in this discussion on this thread.

I have observed Pierre that you did not respond to Laura following her response (even though I felt that you had read her reply) and also, you did not inform me privately of a potential issue of love that may be present which shows me that you:

1)Still have a lot of fear about anger being projected towards you from women and when faced with the confrontation, you still have a tendency to do "as you are told" when your soul feels threatened about the attack

2)When the above occurs, you tend to doubt and question yourself thinking you may have done something "wrong" to get such a response and do not see the unloving nature of what was projected at you


Another thing Pierre, I can see you are challenging your fear by engaging with women whom you are usually afraid of (women who are angry at men) which is great as long as you yourself are remaining in a state of humility during the process. If you are engaging in this and then running from the attraction, you are not only reinforcing the addictions that these women have, but also you are putting yourself into an abusive situation and offering an "open target" for these women to get at you which will just make you feel worse and compound your sadness.

Finally Pierre, I still reckon you feel some anger within yourself at present towards these kinds of women about the harsh treatment you have received from them for the majority of your life (originating with your mum) and you are now pretty aware of this, following feedback Jesus has given you and your own self-reflections. It's not a destructive kind of anger but I feel it's one out of a retaliation and rebellion to avoid the feelings of grief and sadness you have in your soul at being oppressed by such women for most of your life. In your desire to want them to "stop" and "leave you alone" (which is still an unloving desire on your part as it impacts their free will) you modify your own actions in a way to manipulate their behaviour because you do not want to feel the anger from them anymore whilst also placing a demand on them for wanting them to change.

If you let yourself feel the SIN of your addictions in placating angry women, you will quickly feel the sadness you have in your heart at the oppression you have suffered by such women your entire life. When you use your will to get into that state, and have a desire for God's Love, you will feel it instantly and it will change you if you let the emotions flow. I have had these exact injuries myself and there is still some sadness in me in this regard so I hope that what I have shared my help you.

Hope that helps bro

Nicky

[Pierrejoseph]

Full on Nicky and gratitude to you and Eloisa for your helpful feedback. Yes, I felt Laura's anger and did chose to keep quite and disengage. My apologies to Laura for manipulating her will in my addiction to run away and expecting her to change and stop raging at me instead of standing up for truth. There is work for me here.

[Eloisa]

Hi to those who have been engaging with this thread,

Pierre, I agree with the feedback that Nicky has given you and feel there is a whole heap of great stuff to practically apply, if you choose to (it actually applies to many of us).

I have noticed that when we are not humble to the injuries we have and we remain angry about what has been done to us, and we ignore feeling about what the law of attraction is trying to show us about those injuries, that often we end up treating others in the manner that they are treating us. Often this is unloving rather than loving.

So in this case you get angry at the women, and as Nicky points out you end up manipulating them, trying to get them to 'stop' treating you badly and ironically you end up doing the exact thing to them that you don't want them to do to you - getting angry at them.
We are able to ‘stop’ ourselves from engaging in this behaviour through use of 'will power' but real, lasting change does not occur until we engage our Will in a loving direction and actually feel the causal reason why we do it in the first place. Nicky has made great suggestions as to some of these reasons for yourself.

I have been noticing this a lot in my own life lately. Especially where I feel critical and angry towards others about what they do, how they treat me or others, I often notice I am actually being hypocritical and ending up treating them, or others who expose the injury in myself, in the exact manner I 'disapprove' of.

Just thought I would add that as I feel for many of us it is helpful issue to reflect upon.

The ethical way is to 'Treat others as you would like to be treated', I notice that it often ends up that I treat others unlovingly and automatically act out of my injuries. ‘Without thinking’ I treat people unlovingly, sometimes as I am unlovingly treated, sometimes better, sometimes worse.

I suspect until I truly value ethics in my soul, truly feel, forgive and repent and feel through the reasons why I act as I do, that I will have to ‘try hard’ or it will continue.

I find it is easy to feel 'bad' about it (in order to ‘get away’ from the feelings) but the only way it is really going to change is to feel and find out the reasons and motivations about why I do what I do in the first place and release the causes that dictate my actions. Then I will automatically be loving.

All the best in finding the hypocrisies, causes and feeling through them

Eloisa

[Pierrejoseph]

So true, thank you so much Eloisa.
I got so much to work on.