Now that I've opened the vortex, can't reel it back in, nor do I want to

When the red mist descends
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Marina Smargiannakis
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Now that I've opened the vortex, can't reel it back in, nor do I want to

Post by Marina Smargiannakis » Sat Oct 10, 2015 5:45 pm

I have been, and am still a person, who has a LOT of rage inside...but I've been deluding myself and also using really good ways to avoid feeling into my anger fully. One of the biggest issues for me is that when the rage is unleashed, I cannot curb it, or reel it back in. I don't want to 'reel' anything in; would like to feel through this so I am not constantly hurting my soul. Even seeing how my own actions are affecting my life in a negative way has been incredibly challenging. Sometimes I am soft to this, but most of the time indignant.

The moment I feel triggered by anger, I immediately retaliate somehow. Whether it's telling that person off, yelling, anything really. If I don't, I often fall into suicidal tendencies. I haven't really grasped fully the concept of owning the feeling in order to not project it.

What I am having a VERY hard time doing is processing it in an effective manner, to get under it. I have bashed the pillow, screamed to maximum lung capacity while driving alone in the car (this one is my favorite because I can see that I still turn around in the car expecting someone to try and suppress it), but it doesn't get under. I am really afraid of what's under it, but I am more afraid that I am going to destroy anything that's lovely in my path. I sort of feel like Drew Barrymore in 'Firestarter'.

What I am about to say is very confronting for me, because I was always taught ('family' values) that we shouldn't feel anger, and try to distract myself from anger thoughts. Even verbalizing it confronts my facade, but here goes.

I have a true desire to work through my anger with men, and now that I have allowed God's laws in a more sincere manner, the LoA is ramping up, and I pretty much wanna freak out.

The past two days I have been attracting men who are wanting to give me attention. Men have been honking at me in the street, and one man almost literally fell over trying to get my attention to tell me to 'smile'. I ended up speaking some truth that I didn't want to smile, nor did I feel like I had to avoid my pain. I noticed that even when a male friend reached out to me, all of these instances where based on my desire to get attention. From anyone, really. Seeing it in full force like that didn't help me feel further into my hopelessness grief, but more like a 'matter of fact' that 'I'm a whore', or 'this is how it's always going to be', and in addition, I won't get the one I want.

Last night while driving, I raged in my car, louder and louder, and cried and yelled at God, and this morning, I woke up with more rageful thoughts than I can ever remember having. I woke up with a desire to want to hurt my soulmate in the equivalent manner that I feel I have been hurt. Due to my current rejection by him, and him desiring to pursue another relationship, instead of me focusing on God, and my dad...I go into the fantasies. I was also treated very disrespectful recently by my soulmate and went into a meltdown. In terms of the fantasies, I imagined myself hiring 12 people and going into his house and destroying all his electronics, something he values a lot...to 'make me feel better'. I've imagined in the past, whacking him in the face with a baseball bat...really bad, terrible things. I wake up almost every day with this terrible pit feeling in my stomach, this tightness, and even if I express with my body in bed what I feel, nothing is changing.

I know I wasn't always like this. I remember in junior high when a really nice boy was getting beat up by three kids in school, I ran to get help, and afterwards I hid in the girl's bathroom and sobbed and sobbed for what was happening. I can't bear almost any physical abuse, but when areas circling my demand don't get met, all bets are off. I find more power in the violence than I do in love, and this is SO sad that this is my reality.

This is really a debilitating thing, but it is also something I feel that there's no point trying to hide, because I really want this out of me. I understand that spirits are hooking in now, more than ever because of their fear (and mine) of the separation.

If anyone has ever gone through this emotion and come out the other side, I would really like to how they were able to do it with God, and trust the process.

Thank you.

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Pierrejoseph
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Re: Now that I've opened the vortex, can't reel it back in, nor do I want to

Post by Pierrejoseph » Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:40 am

Hi Marina,

I am Pierre, the kind of man open to receive your kind of woman's rage and being controlled by a woman if they give me want I demand: care, nurturing, sexual approval etc. I am at the other hand of the co-dependant addictive relationship, coming out of a series of abusive relationships.

What we have in common is, through the co-dependant addiction, the anger/rageful demand placed on the other gender. I kind of understand much better how it works today in me and how my ex partners/you/my mum function as a demanding/angry woman. I have not gone all the way to the other side of my feeling my rage, I am only starting to be more real and to have a more sincere experimenting with it and will share a bit of what I feel is working for me.

1) Firstly, many women have a huge rage at men here on the forum or in general on the planet, you are just a bit more honest and real and less in facade about it, which is a good thing I think.

2) What helped me to start with (and I speak of my recent weeks and days discoveries) was to face the truth that I did not want to let go my rage (I wanted it intellectually which is a self delusive thought). I actually truly wanted to hold onto it at any price. Yes, I wanted intellectually get rid off it because I wanted to get rid of the painful effects of my rage on my life, but I had not a sincere desire to LOVE, to own it and feel it in order to release it and to feel my underneath fear/terror and grief/pain instead. By the way, this desire is still not pure, I am just starting to purify it. So I kept all the time attracting and feeling spirit's rage through my self delusive emotional processing time. That was the NR 1 block to engaging honestly the process of owning my anger/rage:

my lack of desire to LOVE and see and feel my angry demands/projections as a SIN.

So from that point of opening to the truth of my soul : I had to honestly look at my blocks to change/to love (THE BASIC) and start feeling through them :

1) lack of faith in me/God
2) fear to be emotionally overwhelmed
3) resistance to Gods' truth (I feel this is the first ONE to start praying about because it helps you being honest about you, and other 2 blocks).

So to be direct, frank and honest about you, I feel you are still there, holding on to your rage / need for power and control. Well, you are tired of feeling the painful effects of the law of compensation on your life (the pain of projecting rage onto men for instance) but you are too too scared to sincerely engage the process. Your fear is bigger than your desire to love. So, you don't want to let go your rage/power. You just want to let go the painful consequences of it.
I am more afraid that I am going to destroy anything that's lovely in my path
You are afraid of the effects and that's not a valid/loving reason and pure desire to engage the process.
I have a true desire to work through my anger with men
I doubt it from what you share. You have an intellectual willingness but in your soul, no way....yet?. You wrote :
I find more power in the violence than I do in love
3) Once we are honest about where we are (what I feel you were not fully yet when you wrote this message), and that we start using our will in the direction of love more than holding on to our angry demands, feeling them as sin, then we can start the true process.

The problem we face then with the justified rage we resist to feel and let go is that we have a set of different wrong beliefs about ourselves, God and anger/rage, which are all major BLOCKS to feeling our rage.

You mention :
I was always taught ('family' values) that we shouldn't feel anger, and try to distract myself from anger thoughts.
.

This is one block that you are going to have to feel, all the false beliefs about anger/rage you learned from your parents. I just got the truth these days that anger is just another emotion, nothing else. It can come and go, does not have to stay. It is just energy stuck. All the rest are just false beliefs about it that we accepted in order not to feel it.: lot's of judgments.

You write :
I noticed that even when a male friend reached out to me, all of these instances where based on my desire to get attention. From anyone, really. Seeing it in full force like that didn't help me feel further into my hopelessness grief, but more like a 'matter of fact' that 'I'm a whore', or 'this is how it's always going to be', and in addition, I won't get the one I want.
These are other blocks you are going to have to feel:

- your lack of faith in yourself, in God, in the process that you can go through your rage and things will change
and your resistance to feel how hopeless you feel

- your addiction to judging yourself/self punishment as a way to avoid your real feeling.

I understand that spirits are hooking in now, more than ever because of their fear (and mine) of the separation.
This, I find is actually a great useful feedback God provides us to tell us, "son, daughter, you are not on the right track". Because nothing changes in your soul. You keep feeling spirits emotions, not your true rage and the reason is that you dont want to let go your own rage.

I have personally recently felt how desperate and hopeless I felt about feeling anger and nothing changes, so what is the point? But that was another false belief I had also to release. And I found that spirits hocking around me were using this one to help me to avoid engaging the process. What's the point? It does not work anyway. NO TRUE.

I found that anytime I have had a true desire to love, that when I felt any feeling of anger, from a slight annoyance to a desire to hate and kill, honoring the feeling of anger and feel it (through bashing my pillow for me) has helped me to go through it, to become aware of my false beliefs (addiction) underneath my anger. And that there was a beginning and a end to the process, and that there was an emotional change happening in my soul/heart and condition/body, even if I had not gone all the way through to remove the cause of it. And usually, what happens is my anger goes (partially or more), I soften, my heart/body expands and I turn into feeling grief/fear/pain as I feel my false beliefs causing my rage. Then, I usually feel different, no anger about the situation... until another flavor of my anger /rage get triggered...wich is the next step...etc..etc...

I share here only based on a few experiences I had these last days, and it is the best I can do hopefully to help you see that THERE IS HOPE, and that THIS WORKS.

But first, you have to truly desire it.

Pierre

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Pierrejoseph
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Re: Now that I've opened the vortex, can't reel it back in, nor do I want to

Post by Pierrejoseph » Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:44 am

Oh, I forgot to mention that listening to that personal feedback session from Jesus to Andrew Nair has helped me a lot :

https://www.divinetruth.com/www/en/audi ... Cancer.mp3

I was told Andrew has past now.

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Laura Berry
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Re: Now that I've opened the vortex, can't reel it back in, nor do I want to

Post by Laura Berry » Mon Oct 26, 2015 2:03 am

Hi Marina,

I too have massive issues with anger, the main thing to look at is the feeling anger gives you as Pierre suggested too it is usually the power and control we are addicted to with anger and not wanting to feel the opposite, powerless and out of control. Or I will say powerless and out of control of having to feel the pain.

I wrote a little post where I said I discovered something that helped me which might help you too and that was the truth that 'No one owes you anything' when I reflected on that for a while a lot of injustice feelings came up about pain in general.

A friend also suggested to me that if I allow myself to grieve how much anger from others hurts towards myself then I will start to feel remorseful about my anger and the fact I am giving that pain I just felt to others and that that would help me develop a desire to own it rather than gift it to others.

Also I realised with anger the other night that I express it in two ways...1, I bash the pillow not to give it up but to stay in it (I know because after I still feel the same but more tired) or 2, I bash the pillow to go through it and into the fear (I know because I feel the energy and my emotions shift to a different place).

Maybe you could look at how anger makes you feel?

Take care,

Laura B

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Re: Now that I've opened the vortex, can't reel it back in, nor do I want to

Post by Pierrejoseph » Mon Oct 26, 2015 8:18 am

Hi Laura,

very interesting suggestions to me, thanks.

Personally, when I bash my pillow expressing my rage, either I stay in it and nothing changes, or I start feeling the pain of my false belief (angry demand) crying the pain of it and receiving the truth about it, and then depending on me...I sometimes go deeper into grief/shame with quite rarely feeling clearly fear almost at the same time (like a scared grieving little boy). I have not experienced feeling my fear as a clear step in itself as you mention it where I am just fearful (trembling, cold etc)...and I guess I might have a resistance/block there to feel my fear/terror. Not sure ?

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Re: Now that I've opened the vortex, can't reel it back in, nor do I want to

Post by Laura Berry » Mon Oct 26, 2015 12:46 pm

Hi Pierre,

Yes I agree with what you said about the experiencing of the addiction and not getting what we want,

I do feel I get to the fear though more and more but I have issues with allowing the experience of fear too... I was trying to think of an example, for me I desire power over my pain in certain situations so when it happens, I connect to the anger have my tantrum, realise I want power again and in this particular situation eg...

I want power over feeling the pain of being physically punished. I realised that I had that feeling (addiction) through the hitting the pillow phase, so now when I feel I am being physically punished instead of bashing the pillow I resist acting in the power anger gives me in that situation and I sit with it and go through hot flushes and sweats and that inner turmoil feeling when you resist an addiction, allow any tears about how horrible it all is and losing power in that situation. Then because I am still connected to the punishment feeling I start feeling cold and shaky about being punished, that I don't have power over experiencing the pain of being punished. Sometimes I can go back into the anger because I don't like the fear and go through it again until I start realising the anger and false power I feel in this situation is futile and eventually I give it up and the fear then often starts to surface quite rapidly about being physically punished.

I have problems with fear too so what has been happening is when I reach the fear I don't desire to go back into the anger again but I don't wish to feel the fear fully, so i start to feel the fear and then I get to a certain point I feel I cant handle it and start acting in fear which has caused my hands to paralyse a few times now, I use my will instead of going into anger and addiction to lock the fear down instead and so I am realising now it is time to accept I feel powerless to the experience of my fear too and how that makes me feel.

I don't know if that explained it ? and how I can reach the fear after anger and addiction, but I agree we have to let go of the addiction to reach the fear. But sometimes the addiction itself and that process can take a while to go through and is a grieving process in itself.

But I still have many blocks and issues so if I am not being clear it is because I don't know yet. I have been very slow at going through anger and addictions and had to realise how strongly I have lived my life through them that giving them up has been a scary thing I have had to build a desire to do.

All the best,

Laura B

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Pierrejoseph
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Re: Now that I've opened the vortex, can't reel it back in, nor do I want to

Post by Pierrejoseph » Tue Oct 27, 2015 10:02 am

Hi Laura,

maybe if you could provide with a concrete exemple of
when I feel I am being physically punished
and what do you mean by getting power and control when you are bashing your pillow? I am not sure I understand what yo mean.

Personally, I am good at projecting my anger at others in a passive aggressive way to (try to) get what I want, and I feel when I chose instead to bash my pilow, I just express my anger out of me, I don't project it anymore, it is just energy in motion. I pray for God's help in the whole process to be humble to feel my false beliefs (source of my SIN) and whatever blocks to it and to my fear/grief and for protection form spirits as well. In that state, I have not power or control over nothing or nobody, I am just raging it out and praying.

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Laura Berry
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Re: Now that I've opened the vortex, can't reel it back in, nor do I want to

Post by Laura Berry » Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:08 pm

Hi Pierre,

I don't know why you want an example of when i'm physically punished, I don't see how that is relevant

In answer to the second question I feel it is the intention and desire to stay in anger that stops one getting to the underlying stuff. So my intention when bashing the pillow, or shaking fists is not sincere sometimes I don't desire to connect through the experience. I have actually found resisting anger better for me in some instances. Like when Jesus said about holding an angry child in their tantrum so they eventually lose power from the anger and break down into the underlying feelings.

I cant explain it better right now.

Laura B

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Marina Smargiannakis
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Re: Now that I've opened the vortex, can't reel it back in, nor do I want to

Post by Marina Smargiannakis » Mon Nov 02, 2015 12:30 am

Hi Pierre and Laura,

Thanks for your input and you both mentioned some good, practical steps to include in the process.

First and foremost, what is the most difficult for me to work through, is seeing how much of a sin it is to act in this manner. I feel that if I were to realize how much I am hurting myself, him, others in this way, surely, I would want to stop that immediately.

As per Jesus and Mary's recent feedback, something that has stuck out a lot is the comparison to emotional addictions being like physical addictions, like one who drinks too much, or does drugs...how their life slides downwards negatively. And how emotional addictions do the same thing.

I am currently in the faith-less stage, but I am implementing the feedback given to me. These feeling feel very difficult for me, for I cannot control them, and I am aware, in fact how entitled and angry I am. This is all I've known...and this is the space I am trying not to avoid, but it is scary as well. And, I have wanted and still want the control and anger because I do not trust that any love can be offered to me in any other, more gentler space.

I am aware it is a false belief, but it is real, and I have to acknowledge that.

I realize my resistance to feeling my anger is HUGE. I will try to implement more the feeling through it, more, fully, as terrifying as it feels to lose the control. Which I feel in that open space is where all the negativity can seep in, people, spirits, evil. The fact that the truth is that it is quite opposite is still something I am dealing with.

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Cari M
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Re: Now that I've opened the vortex, can't reel it back in, nor do I want to

Post by Cari M » Mon Nov 16, 2015 4:08 pm

Good day, Marina!

I recently watched these 3 videos and they helped me around the the soul-mate feelings as well as abuse issues. Also in the one video AJ is talking to Justin Crick and discussing how trying to deal with the of issues can push people into a place of despair and frustration, potentially leaving Divine Truth all together, etc.

Both of these were helpful for me in different ways and I thought to share it with you as well.

Personal Truth- Justin Crick https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3u5u-eiJuo

Personal Truth - Miranda Suryadjaja https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Z1NaakicIE

Jesus on How to Heal Our Childhood Injuries (this is a shorter clip of his talk which is listed in the description of it) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_pzrCXBSJw

Hope this helps!

Stay encouraged my sister and have a great day!

Cari
My name is Cari.

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