Experiences of Being A Parent

[Justin Crick]

Hi Riza,

Just to put my experience into context, I will provide a bit of background information. My belief a number of years ago was that my role was to be the financial provider, and the boys mum was to carry out the parenting/nurturing role. In addition to that, I still demanded that I could have free time on the weekends to the things that I wanted to do. Hence this meant that I didn’t really have much to do as a parent, and the responsibility for looking after the boys was left to their mum.

After the marriage dissolved and we separated, I had to start taking much more responsibility for looking after the kids. We had an arrangement where the boys would spend a week alternate with each of us. This meant that whilst they were with me, I had no escape, backup, or anyone I could use to get me away from my responsibilities. This was quite challenging for me initially, just juggling the physical responsibilities that I had been avoiding, however after 12 months I was still avoiding the emotional issues about being a parent. During this time I had some pretty direct feedback from some people near to me, but I just didn’t want to see it.

I was pretty resistive about being a parent and addressing my emotional issues. Eventually, I sat down and watched the parenting talks that AJ and Mary did some years back, and since then there is also a parenting interview which was done a while ago as well (If you search parenting in the Divine Truth FAQ’s you will find the clips).

Probably the biggest thing for me with regards to wanting to change was I started to see how my emotional condition was reflected in the boys, and I could see how that was harming them. There was a direct correlation between my feelings, and what they were feeling. If I wasn’t feeling my feelings then they would fight, they would hurt themselves, they would get sick and the list goes on. I felt a sense of responsibility that it was not right that me not dealings with my emotional issues resulted in them being hurt physically and/or emotionally.
I then started to pray about dealing with my emotional issues so that I could be a better parent, and be more loving to them. It probably happened pretty slowly in the beginning, and I had a lot of anger and blocks to work through. Seeing the boys in pain emotionally eventually led me to start developing a “do whatever it takes” attitude, for their sakes rather than mine. I don’t know if that is the most loving way to approach it, but I felt like I couldn’t stand to see them suffer because of me, and I had to take responsibility for that. To be clear, I am still far from having this figured out fully, and I still go through phases of being angry about things, and not wanting to deal with things, but it’s probably a bit easier than it used to be.

I had to be honest and admit to myself about how I felt about having to look after them, about having to teach them, provide for them etc. This was confronting and it brought up a lot of sadness within me that I felt this way towards them. However, if you can be honest, and not judge yourself, then there is great scope to deal with the reasons why you feel this way.

Working through the anger just involves allowing myself to feel really angry, and saying and feeling the real feelings that I feel no matter how ‘bad’ they may look from the outside. Express it by screaming, yelling, punching a bag, just don’t direct it at the kids, as it is just your emotion after all. They have only triggered it. I also pray to know the truth at the same time. I have to come to terms with the fact that my way/belief is not the same as Gods, and what I believe is actually not love. One thing I have learnt, is that when I become more aware of Gods way, things get easier and happier.

There were (and still are) many times when I had/have no idea what is going on. I think I’m praying about wanting to know, but the truth is that when my soul doesn’t want to know, then God can’t tell me if I don’t want to listen. I have always found that when I really want to know (from an emotional space) then God is only to happy to help me out.

Eventually I found that by starting to deal with my own issues, my relationship with the boys started to change for the better. I started to see how me dealing with my emotions benefited them. I started to become aware of what it means to be a parent from Gods perspective. I started to have a feeling of love for them, instead of being a grumpy old dad all the time. There are some days, when I am still a grumpy old dad, but they are getting less. I’m learning that they are not ‘my’ kids, and that they are just my little bro’s, and that I am here to care for them temporarily. They have their own personalities, God has already made them who they are, and I don’t need to control them or tell them who or what they need to be.
I hope this answers your questions. If there is something that I have missed just let me know. Feel free to ask any other questions.

Cheers
Justin

PS: Would you mind if I post your query and my response to my blog so that others may see it. I'm happy to remove your name if you like. Thanks

PPS: I have previously written a post on my blog with some similar info, which can be found here.
http://justin-crick.blogspot.com.au/201 ... chive.html

[Eloisa]

hi

I have moved this response from the 'Introductions' section to here, 'Missing Something', where there are some questions about parenting as I felt it was more appropriate in this area. Also so it doesn't get lost in the introductions area.

Thanks

Eloisa

[rizasukman]

Hi Justin,

Thanks for the response and your inputs.

For me I am feeling that there is a lot to feel within this topic and a lot of over-whelming things to be willing to experience.

Can't think of any further questions right now.

Riza

[Justin Crick]

Hi,

My original post contained a link that didn't work. The correct link is http://justin-crick.blogspot.com.au/201 ... chive.html .

Sorry about that.

Thanks

Justin