Fear of other persons rage

[Alejandro CL]

Hello everyone,

I have know for some time that I have fear of other people's rage being projected towards me, and today I had a dream that again confirm me this problem .

On the dream I see a person that is going to commit a crime, this person realize that I am looking at him, he goes directly to me and points out a gun in my head, I remember feeling the touch of the gun in my forehead (this was quite clear). I instantly started to do whatever this person demands to avoid his anger; I give him the money in my wallet, told him that everything is alright and that he should calm down and later I try to become his friend to avoid future anger, here I even ask him if he really likes doing this...shortly after this I woke up.

I would welcome any recommendations or hints on how to address this issue, I feel a little lost in this subject. To me the dream is very clear, I have huge amounts of fear towards the anger of another person and this is blocking my relationship with God.

A little bit of background, during my childhood my father would often get desperate with me, especially if my grades were low, for him low grades would mean lower than 8 (from a maximum of 10), I frequently got 8's + a couple of 9's and 7's + rarely 10's and 6's...as you can imagine almost every month I would panic with the consequence of having one 7 and would get close to a terror feeling if I had one 6. From the ages of 7-12 the punishment for this grades would be scream, hit with a belt or shoe, a slap on the back of my head, etc; from the ages of 13-18 the punishment stopped being physical and only concentrated on screams and some humiliation.

I develop a terror to making mistakes, having low grades or just doing anything bad that could provoke rage from my Dad. Now I have a huge fear of provoking the anger of another person. If anyone has a hint on how to address this fear or how to challangue my addiction to run away from this situations, I would appreciate it.

Alejandro Cid.

[Pierrejoseph]

Hi Alejandro,

I can relate to a lot of what you write. And I am quite in the same place you are, so definitely not of great help. But, there is a starting point I feel, and it is to start feeling your addiction to pander and placate to angry (and violent and attacking) people as a SIN, and that is is actually pretty selfish and unloving to them and to you to keep staying in this place and projecting to people in your life (and your soulmate) a demand to treat you nicely. So, it is about your desire to feel your false beliefs, how you justify you are "right" to behave and treat others this way because it is scary and dangerous and whatever (otherwise you will get abused again etc) about it, and then grow your desire to feel and soften to your fear and terror about it. This is where I am at these days and any insight about it is welcome. Hope this maybe helps you a bit.

[Pierrejoseph]

I even realize that there is rage and violence in my own demand I project to other people to treat me well, and that if I do not act out my anger (it remains under control in a passive aggressive way), it is just because I chose to stay in facade and try to pretend all is well and calm them down or justify what I did and how I do not deserve their treatment (instead of feeling how it hurts), because I am to scared of the consequences of showing what I really feel in think. I am too scared of my own rage and violence that were punished and judged unacceptable. It is typically the case in situations at work with a client or with my house owner (women) where I fear to be rejected and left out. And if the person is a strong and rageful man, I behave because I fear their violence back at me. I tend now to observe myself more in the overwhelming situations and feel bit of my pain, to not react or escape on the spot when I feel in anger and terror, and take time later to feel about it all. But, in truth, my addiction is just to want these people to disappear from my life, to run away from them and they scare me a lot, and probably to punish them (or that God or someone else does it for me, less dangerous...) for what they do to me.

[Pierrejoseph]

I also notice that in the moment of a "trigger" with a violent person (like you explained in another post when you felt angry at your partner), it is very very overwhelming because there are all sorts of feelings going on at the same time (in the same second as you said), there is the fear/terror, and at the same time wanting to control and avoid this feeling (all the false beliefs, false reasons that we'll have to feel there because they are our blocks to humility and healing) and so that's an additional layer of feeling of injustice and anger, wanting to control the other and make them stop or wanting to fly away and disappear. And also at the same time, there is the underlying pain of the causal emotion triggered by the LOA that God is trying to help us to feel and release. And it is more so now as I am aware of the SIN of my addiction. It becomes more intense and more painful to resist in some ways. This is how fine tuned the loa works. I feel pretty miserable after such an event like if it is hammering my consciousness and life sucks because I know and pay for I am being unloving to myself and the other person and I start judging me for my resistance to humility (addiction), then I catch me doing it and I pray to soften to my fear and pain and when I sincerely pray for help. it always comes. And I feel little bits of it here and little bits of it there, but there seems to be many false beliefs in the way, and many flavors/layers to my fears and grief and I allow myself just to reach bits of it at a time. This is my experience now and I hope it might help you in your own process, but at the same time I am open to feedback about what I am missing.

[Alejandro CL]

Hi Pierre,

I feel you are correct, first start feeling that this avoidance of the anger is a sinful and selfish is a good starting point, for me right now I have only focused on been more aware of this issues on my daily life.

I also feel that I am too scared of the consequences, and there are so many feelings going on in very short time...that it is still very hard to be conscious of every one of them. But I am going to start by feeling this as sinful and pray to soften to the feeling, this last point has been hard for me also.

Thank you for your comments, I still need some time to digest them, but I do appreciate them!

Alejandro

[Pierrejoseph]

Hi Alejandro,

you wrote

But I am going to start by feeling this as sinful and pray to soften to the feeling, this last point has been hard for me also.

Well, for me, it is first just an intellectual acknowledgement of the SIN before I can even FEEL the truth that it is a SIN. And this is already a major step for me from out of full denial into growing slowly a more pure desire to LOVE. Because the truth is that I still have on most topics a feeling that my anger/behaviour/neediness is justified, but I can at the same time start to reason about how unloving it actually is in God's eyes.

There are very useful threads about this intellectual process on this Forum, especially in viewtopic.php?f=27&t=344.

I really need to learn to soften more to my fear, to break down this hard nut facade I have built during all these years, these days I have started again to express my rage bashing my pillow every day morning, night and evening whenever I feel some anger/neediness based feeling surfacing in me (or about some event during the day), and praying at the same time for God's and guide protection and help to release my anger and soften to underlying my fear and grief so I do not express spirit rage but my own.

Cheers mate.
Pierre