thanks for your intro that inspires me about your love for God.
you wrote :
I surrendered to the overwhelming terror that had come up and just shook and cried all night until dawn.
Would you mind sharing a bit more how did you manage to surrender to your terror a stay in it such a long period of time and trust the entire process that you would eventually go though the other side and come out of it sane and healthy?
I thought it would be more appropriate if I answer your question under this heading. I think I could write a book about the events that happened to me on that day but I'll try not to waffle on too long.
On this particular day during the assistance group I had had a good morning processing stuff to do with my mother. I felt so good that I decided to start telling off the group of angry women spirits that had been attacking some of the men in the group. I explained to them how unloving their actions were and how they were hurting themselves further by doing this, that they had probably treated their sons like my mother had treated me, etc. then I said that they could try attacking me but it wouldn't be of any use because I knew how to process my emotions.
So I had told them off, got them angry and in my arrogance gave them a direct challenge. Not very smart. They played me beautifully, there was no initial head on assault or attack, they came in through the back door, through the vice I had just displayed, my arrogance and self importance and that door was wide open. Over that afternoon, by posing as my guides, they fed me lies which I wanted to believe and pumped me full of energy and basically read my facade like an open book. They were brilliant at it, I was in over my head. By the time I started to suspect what was really going on they had successfully decoupled my hold on reality. I felt I was loosing my grip on what was real and what was lies, they were in my head now and working hard to break me down. I had been here before a long time ago so I knew where they were pushing me. Insanity was now pounding on my front door and I was terrified.
I got some help and advise from Jesus which was like holding on to terra firma while the waves were crashing down around me. In my desperation I told some people I could trust some of what had happened. While doing this I realised that no one could take this away from me, then I knew what I had to do. I had to feel my terror.
I knew I had a choice, I could get in my car and leave (which is what the spirits were trying to get me to do), or I could stay and face it. I chose to stay and face my fear.
The walk in the dark from the dining room to my cabin was only about a hundred meters but I don't think I've ever felt so utterly alone. When I got to my cabin I went straight to the toilet and vomited the entire contents of my stomach. The fear was pretty intense so I started to pray to God for help because I didn't think I could do this. I felt moved to write so I did and found that my guide gave me a lot of wonderful help and guidance (as he has so many times before). I'd like to share with you just a short piece of that help.
"Your mistake is due to your inability to trust me. Let go, I will catch you, I will hold you in my arms and love you."
That really helped me to just surrender to my fear and place my trust in God. I think it's so important to realise just how much support each one of us have from our guides and how much they love us and want to help us grow towards God.
So I crawled into bed and stepped of the ledge into the abyss and let the fear overtake me. I wasn't sure if I would emerge out the other side whole or broken but I placed my faith in the only one I knew could save me.
Once the process was under way it was less distressing then the time leading up to it. So long as I didn't resist, it was ok, I could do this, as soon as I resisted it became unbearable. So I just kept surrendering and going with it, shaking and crying and making other noises. The only thing that started to concern me once I got going was if I had the physical endurance to last the distance. At some point I realised that this process was like an endurance event and I started to wonder if I had the stamina to keep going because it just kept going and going. But I realised that this was just another fear and I surrendered that as well. When dawn broke and the birds stated to sing I knew I'd made it and that I was whole. The shaking stopped and I fell asleep for a while.
Many gifts were given to me that night and although you haven't asked specifically about them it might help to illustrate that placing your trust in God in a process like this can give you more then just the release of that emotion.
At one point during that night I found myself next to my guide, I turned and looked to the side and could see my body lying there, shaking. I could feel my body in the bed under the covers shaking but I was some distance away looking at it, next to my guide. He then took me away to a place where I stood in front of what I can best describe as a lake, a large expanse of blackness, not water but like water, except it was black and viscous. I immediately recognised it as my pain and sin. It was so horrible and big and all part of me. I turned away, I couldn't look at it, the horror and dread of it was too much. My guide encourage me to face it. When I did I saw that the vast majority of it was of my own doing. Every unloving act I had ever done was there and I could feel them and I couldn't bear the sight of it because I knew with absolute certainty that I would have to feel and acknowledge every drop of that blackness if I ever wanted to be at one with God. It was an inevitability. Seeing my distress my guide explained that I didn't have to feel it all at once, one step at a time.
This gift has shown me the importance of repentance and how important it is to not feed my addictions and get out of facade. I don't want to add to my lake of black yuck, I want to transform it.
I have gone on a bit, hope that was of some help.