I wanted to write and share some insights about an addictive pattern that I have been living in for all my life (almost 58 years), a pattern that to some extent became clear to me a couple of days ago. It is about an addiction to demand and control, and until then I have not at all understood what the demand and control were about, how I lived it or what it meant to be demanding and controlling towards another. Jesus and Mary have both kindly reminded me about this addictive state many times, but I have not understood what they meant, not wanted to understand what they meant. I still don’t understand it emotionally, but it felt great and somewhat overwhelming to at least understand and see something about it, so I felt inspired to write about it.
I have felt for many years that I am growing further apart from my partner (my man who I feel is my soulmate). During the holidays I was shown that things are still moving in the wrong direction between us, and so finally I asked him (it’s not really the first time I ask this, but this time I was more open to his answer) – What is wrong, what do I do wrong, why don’t you want to be with me?
And his truthful and kind answers made me see the whole (or part of the whole, as I’m sure there is more to it) picture.
The truth feels like this: I actually feel that I have kind of a second skin, on top of my real skin. A second layer, a top layer, which I have thought was the only me, that it was real. It is so close to me, and such a big part of my perception of reality so I have never before actually seen it or noticed it. It is probably more truthful to say that I never felt the real me underneath it! The second layer is my façade; my armour and my protection layer around the hurt me inside. It is given to me by others, who created what they thought was the perfect child, or a child more convenient for them. And then I have strengthened it and added to it during all of my life.
This is what I demand from him (and others) and what I always control and check that I get:
“See me, notice me, ask me, talk to me, be with me, encourage me, admire me, make me feel important, involve me, want me, touch me, hug me, look at me, smile at me, cook for me, serve me, help me, support me, tell me your thoughts, tell me what you read about, tell me where you are going and why….”
The list seems endless. I am always tense, always on guard, always aware of him and how he is towards me. Because without getting all these things I feel that I am worthless and that I am nothing, alone, with no meaning in my life - which is not God’s Truth about me, but this is what it feels like. I am like glue, wanting to stick to him, hanging on to his back – and for him it must feel like something he wants to shake off to free himself. I am the centre of the world and everything is about me and whether I get my needs met or not. I can’t feel how he feels; I don’t give myself time to even imagine how he might feel in a certain situation. It is a self-absorbed life and I now begin to understand that this is what has been an error in my soul and it has blocked me from receiving God’s Love.
The good thing is that I don’t get all these needs satisfied from him anymore, that the co-dependency from his side is coming to an end. This has made my pain surface and become more and more uncomfortable. Which must be why I suddenly was able to face the truth on an intellectual level.
To me this was a huge realization and it felt so clarifying to see the whole picture like this. The first day my heart felt like singing. The big part still remains, to feel my way all the way down to the causal emotions driving this behaviour and to repent for all the damage I have created during all these years we have been together. At first I felt faith and hope that it will be possible, but now I feel more downhearted about it. I have already again fallen into the old behaviour and chosen anger instead of being humble. I know that I did not get much of attention and understanding when growing up. My family was violently abusive, with a lot of anger and rage and also very repressive of emotions like grief and fear (I wrote some about this in my introduction). The needy demands, which I have projected towards my man and others, are maybe about my greatest feelings of lack in my childhood. I also know that both my mom and dad and all of my grandparents have had upbringings with a great distance to their parents. Obedience and good behaviour and to look nice have been the most important attributes. Children have not been important as individuals but have been left to nannies and others to care for. So there are multigenerational pains inherited within my, as well as my own experiences and creations.
I would be grateful if anyone of you want to give some feedback, or share your own experiences about demands and control - that would be great!
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