approval addiction

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Mianoel
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approval addiction

Post by Mianoel » Thu Nov 12, 2015 12:13 pm

Hello,

I am writing this post because maybe I can provide info, and especially get feedback and input concerning the addiction to approval.
I have been addicted to approval my whole life, as a small child trying to be more grown up than my age. Later as a teen, I couldn't bare feeling left out, missing out, would do anything to seem cool, including trying to pretend I didn't care what other people thought. I became very destructive by engaging in drugs and self negating sex, just to get approval. I was longing to understand the feelings I was having: at home, immense guilt and endless feelings of not deserving, feelings that things were my fault and that I was harming my parents, at school, debilitating insecurities, and fear of what other people thought, fixations on certain people, and the hopelessness of feeling absolutely crushed by the obligations and senseless workload of the schooling system. If I would ever try to admit these insecurities to get advice, I always got the same condescending answer: "Just be yourself" which felt more like "You shouldn't have a problem". University was easier, I had more freedom and learned many ways to get addictions met, feel more in control of my life, more comfortable.
Today, I have withdrawn from most of my social life, tired of this uncontrollable need for approval when with others (completely going off centre to please others, I can barely feel own self), but now have realised that my life is completely overtaken by spirits, who seem to be completely playing on my approval/fear of disapproval addictions. I realise most of the time, the emotions I am feeling are not even mine. I have been very confused.
I have judged this in me my whole life, feeling that I was weak, had some kind of deficiency, to be so dependant on others, almost like a slave. I feel I have no power to create anything myself, I can only do so through the approval of others. This has reflected itself also in my finances: every project, no matter how great I feel it is, has never sold.
This addiction is so big, that it seems to be all pervasive: countless addictions in my life are about approval, every desire I think I have, it actually a desire for approval, every self attack is in order to stop spirits from sending me disapproval, every parenting move I do is to get approval from somewhere, any love I feel I am giving my child is actually approval, and I see the cycle inevitably starting again in my daughter, where when she is with me, instead of developing her own self, I see dependancy and I feel I can't prevent this from happening all over again. I know intellectually that as a child I believed that if I didn't get approval, I would die, or cause the death of my parents, which in turn means I wouldn't survive. But how do I tackle this emotionally? I have been journaling, and praying and will continue, and along with any feedback, I will continue to write about breakthroughs on this particular subject.

Cheers,

Mia

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Laura Berry
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Re: approval addiction

Post by Laura Berry » Thu Nov 12, 2015 1:33 pm

Hi Mia,

Nice to meet you here.

I relate to nearly everything you say so am interested in what others have to say in response to your situation.

For me as time has gone on I have started to realise I have copious amounts of terror/fear about being weak, not being able to survive on my own, feeling incapable of loving myself. I have judged myself for this but realised my dependency on others isn't my fault (even though I am now responsible for changing it) but was given to me. Being overly protected by a controlling mother with a hands off approach to guiding me emotionally or physically to become independent. I realised I had been waiting for her to teach me what I am missing, still at age 31 I am waiting for her to give me what I have felt I cant learn myself feeling helpless to teach myself. Unfortunately when we are dependant we have little worth in ourselves that we are capable of much on our own.

I have started to realise that no one is going to give me what I am missing (with that came rage and terror and a stomach bug) and a softening and a surrendering to the only way forward which is to feel this terror, insecurity, weakness and helpless feeling with some faith that God will be able to teach me what I am missing if I just let go of the fear and pain that stops me hearing and feeling Gods love and truth. God could be the guiding parent I never had. My mother cant and wont teach me what I am missing and I am letting go as that no longer being an option for me this includes approval of myself and desires. Of course underneath was terror which I have wanted to avoid so have been addicted to wanting the support of others and believed I needed that approval in order to love myself and have worth in myself and what I am doing. (I also attract nothing or very little for any work I undertake or creative projects).

I still feel I am a 3 year old who doesn't know how to do simple things for myself and I thought it was because no one had taught me, which is true to some extent but am realising more now it is because I have this fear and sadness locked in me since childhood that I am not capable of doing adult things and when I do they are never good enough or done right and I have been severely judged for every attempt to live my desires and act towards independence. The words I remember as a child were "she cant do that" "she's too little" "she'll make mistakes" "she'll do it wrong". Now I have the opposite from my family "you need to be independent" "you need some worth" "you need to start making money" and it is said unlovingly. So I have isolated my self in shame in my house, afraid of peoples judgements for my dependency. I don't even talk about it to others as I feel so ashamed of it. I don't have children but I do have animals and I have overly protected them and projected at them that they cant survive without someone looking after them. It took a pigeon I rescued and brought up to fly away one day for me to feel the terror that I wont survive on my own and that I have got left behind. It is an awful feeling.

Recently I discovered my mother has similar feelings which make her so controlling, and I noticed I too now have this addiction to control others and the environment which stops me feeling the terror and going through what I need to to get better, so is a block to me letting go and letting God.

The only thing I can suggest is to build a desire to feel this fear or terror you have and have some faith God will help you learn to approve and love yourself and look after yourself where others cant. We have to either become our own parent or allow God to be our parent (its unlikely now the people who damaged us are going to be able to heal us). A really good book I have found useful if you haven't read it yet is a book Mary suggested ...The recovery of your inner child - Lucia Cappachione (may not have spelt the name right here) but it has chapter on being our own parent which might help. (also any addictions you may have to covering this fear/terror)

I look forward to reading others responses to this and thank you for writing your experience and its helped me keep connected to what I need to go through to come out.

All the best
Laura B

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Laura Berry
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Re: approval addiction

Post by Laura Berry » Thu Nov 12, 2015 2:29 pm

Just attracted this song, after I replied to you...felt it was perfect and touching. We may not get the love from our parents and people around us but that God always loves us and is there for us... "Fathers and mothers don't always come through, but i'm (god) never gonna stop following you." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZBylmK ... e=youtu.be

Monique De Martin
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Re: approval addiction

Post by Monique De Martin » Fri Nov 13, 2015 10:23 am

Hi Mia and Laura,

It is nice to hear honest feelings about it as like Laura said, it helps me see more clearly my own addiction to approval recently surfacing. And I can relate to seeing that my entire life has been lived for the approval of others. Everything I say is to get approval of others, my desires are really just to please others and respond to what I can feel they want of me, and the person that I have become is no more than the reflection of what I think the person in front of me wants - if its divine love community, then I talk about God & Jesus, with others others, it changes.

One thing I have experienced that is really starting to help me is doing what you are doing, journalling, reflecting and praying for God to show all about this addiction. I find this always works to get a clear idea of the addiction and I think it may be my guides, helping me with pictures, memories and realisations and it always helps take me to the next step of seeing/connecting to the sin. Its exactly like Jesus and Mary say in the Facade and Addiction Talks for Australia Asst Groups. I love the sin step, as this always ALWAYS give me a desire to go further as it starts the flame going - my desire to change. Some of the sins of the approval addiction are seeing the amount of spirit influence it attracts, that I am fake with people and I actually want to manipulate people to give me what I want, which when I start to let myself feel about, doesn't feel good. I also have spirits who give me approval for attacking people, treating people unkindly with superiority and other addictions that were played out my childhood with parents. Not very nice.

Challenging the approval addiction today was really helpful too, as it brought about a whole new range of realisations as well as seeing that spirits are constantly dropping thoughts into my head of what I should do to get their approval and by challenging this (do opposite to what my, which is actually theirs, impulse says), firstly, I got spirit attack (feeling of anger and disapproval??) which has got to be good and it immediately brought up small amounts of fear... again something I was excited to discover. This was exactly what Mary and Corni says at asst groups too, but good to experience for myself as it builds faith. I find that the more I act like, challenging my addictions, praying, journalling, the more God gives me truth and helps me through the process of deconstruction and challenging addictions and this I found helpful too.

Wishing you good things
Monique

Mianoel
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Re: approval addiction

Post by Mianoel » Fri Nov 13, 2015 11:31 am

Dear Laura, thank you so much for you post, I will order the book today. I have read a bunch of those recommended by Mary, but not this one, Perfect!
Thanks so much for sharing a bit about your own experience too. The song made me cry!
I will be sharing any breakthroughs when they come up. Thanks again!

Mianoel
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Re: approval addiction

Post by Mianoel » Fri Nov 13, 2015 11:39 am

Dear Monique,

Thank you also for your post! I resonate with your observations. I have been challenging some addictions, and some really ugly ones came up to try to force everyone to give me attention even if that means dragging everyone down with me (the real ugly side of the approval addiction). Narcissism, right? This really puts me face to face with the SIN, and just as you say, gives desire to change it. What a cool tool AJ's deconstruction steps is! Thanks for your post and bye for now,

Cheers,

Mia

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Nicky
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Re: approval addiction

Post by Nicky » Fri Nov 13, 2015 1:28 pm

Hi

Just a note to say I felt it appropriate to move this thread to the "Addictions" section of the forum.

Thanks

Nicky

Mianoel
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Re: approval addiction

Post by Mianoel » Fri Nov 13, 2015 8:02 pm

Yes!

Mianoel
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staying in the body

Post by Mianoel » Mon Nov 16, 2015 12:09 am

Hello again,

I've had some progress thanks to a tool that AJ talks about many times: connecting to the body.
Even though I perceived myself to be quite connected with my body (dancer), I've noticed a few incidents lately where I think I am afraid, or angry, then scan my actual physical body and to my surprise realise it is relatively relaxed, and contains no sign of that particular emotion. I was manufacturing it to please expectations from spirits, or to get their approval, or placate them. It was quite a surprise! And therefore realised I was completely numb to my real emotions.
Coffee plays a big role in my approval addiction (I seem to get to substitute my feelings for some other ones that make me feel boosted and worthy of approval), and for the first time in months I have had success resisting the urge to it, by a gentle desire to stay feeling my own body, and by taking as many moments a day to stop and scan it, feel it, check in, and take a few deep breaths. Wanting to remain within it instead of running from it. I guess that could also be a great moment to pray, which I haven't been focusing enough on. What is getting more and more obvious, is how big the demand is, on other people, to supply me with love.

Sage
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Re: approval addiction

Post by Sage » Thu Nov 19, 2015 9:16 pm

Hello all,

I enjoy seeing your self reflections and I appreciate your sharing. I too struggle with the addiction to approval. What has helped me start challenging this addiction is really addressing how unloving it is towards both the person I am placating (or what ever is done to gain approval) and to myself. I do not fully understand this at a soul based level, but I think it has to do with free will and interfering with what they are attracting as well as what I am attracting (the personal emotional response I would get if I didn't please them), and the opportunity to feel about that. It has also been highly tied into my facade of "being so wonderful" (because I knew how to meet people's addictions), and my addiction to 'feeling safe'. For me, there has been some soul based change around this addiction and now I spend a lot more time being aware and sometimes feeling, the emotions that arise when I don't do what I would have done in the past to gain approval and instead try to centre myself in Love. I am also noticing that although I can go through the motions of gaining approval, it doesn't sit well anymore.

I also feel like Laura,
feeling incapable of loving myself
there is a strong connection to self love or lack of self love that is apparent with this particular addiction.

I appreciate walking on this path with you all,
Sage

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