I am responsible for only one persons actions, who and why?

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Alkhemst
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I am responsible for only one persons actions, who and why?

Post by Alkhemst » Thu Sep 17, 2015 10:24 pm

I'm only responsible for mine, I can't change others or control their actions for them, when I tried in the past, it always ended up worse, I was left defeated and those others would be more firmly set in the ways I hoped to change for them.

I've tried to change myself too with my will-power, I'd give myself a goal like stop using porn, I'd give myself as many reasons why as possible. I'd want porn still but I'd be defiant against it. I would rebel against myself and my deeper cravings, I'd use the power of anger against myself to change myself. It never worked either, my sex addictions kept winning and I'd be more set in my lifelong habits.

The only action I didn't try, the only one that seems to work for others like me is to admit defeat, that the forces in me and outside of me are way beyond my control, that the only power I have to change is in this power beyond me too, not my will against the world and my will against me anymore, but God's will. God's will that has a way forward that I don't have to figure out all on my own anymore, I just have to have faith that my best interests are at heart with this Way and develop the willingness to try it.

Before I'd face problems by holding on more tightly to what I conceived would work or when I couldn't and it didn't, I'd hide away. I eventually got used to avoiding first and just hiding most of the time in a fantasy world I could control. But my life felt more and more out of control.

If I can trust God to loosen my grip and untangle all these complexities I've knotted up trying to change everything and everyone in my life previously, if I can give my will to the care of God, not knowing where it will take me, perhaps things will change for the better, to what I wanted all along.

That seems to be what's on offer for me, all I have to do, and all I'm more aware I really can do now, is steer my actions, my will towards God's will.

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Pierrejoseph
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Re: I am responsible for only one persons actions, who and why?

Post by Pierrejoseph » Wed Oct 07, 2015 3:50 am

Thanks Alkhemst for your post. It feels very familiar to me and I am slowly coming to the same conclusion : how tiring it is to go "my way" against the world, against God's laws !

I am interested to hear, if you could do it, what you did to heal your desire to watch porn, because this has been an addiction for me for the last 7 or 10 years as far as I can remember - and maybe more?), and I have tried all kinds of new age, willpower techniques, nothing works totally and solve the issue. I typically have seen myself watching porn when I feel so bad/terrible about myself, so alone, so unloved, so despaired, so sad and it is a compulsion in the moment (often late evening at bed time) feeling like masturbation IS "the only way" to have a short moment of releasing the pressure I put on me, giving me a break with the hammering pain, avoiding feeling it.

But the thing is that I feel even kind of worth after it and even lately when doing it. I have now a feeling of being sorry for the girls that are used (that I use) for porn and who generally seem to be in a lot of facade and pain, and I feel terrible about the way there are often violently treated by men (or women), like "thinks", like "toys". It is not fulfilling and I intellectually feel the SIN of it (obviously not fully emotionally yet). While it is certainly less frequent today for all kinds of reasons, and I believe some of the reasons are that I enjoy today a bit more my life engaging more of my desires and I love myself a little bit more often, and also I engage a little bit less my addiction to punish myself (which automatically attracts spirits that put me down and feel terrible). I have seen myself on a few occasions take a different decision when I felt a compulsion for watching porn, that is to decide to feel how bad I feel and my desire to watch porn was gone. This is all thanks to God. But the addiction is still in play, I mean i have not emotionally reached the root of it and it is a major issue in my life as I feel this practice keeps damaging me and other people' soul. Anybody else with an insight about what worked for them would be as well appreciated? Thanks, Pierre

Alejandro CL
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Re: I am responsible for only one persons actions, who and why?

Post by Alejandro CL » Fri Oct 09, 2015 12:45 am

Hi Pierre and Alkemist,

I also have the same addiction as you, this addiction to wanting to watch pornography sometimes (although this is now rare), however, I feel that the subject with me is a bit more general, in the sense that it is not only related to pornography, it feels like it is a need to feel sexually exited because this makes me feel good, this helps avoid my deep sadness. I realized that watching pornography is only one way of having this addiction met.

Sometime this addiction is not that intense, like when I look at a bunch of newspapers and magazines and the one that I end up looking first (the one I feel attracted to..) is the one with a woman in partial nudity (like a picture of a woman in bikini or with a short skirt) or sometimes I have dreams of being with a women different to my partner. I would suggest that you look if it is the same for you.

I would like to offer a small advice, but first I must say that I still have not completely dealt with this addiction, but I have become slightly more conscious of it and I hope this can be of assistance to you. I feel that when I became more conscious of this addiction, for some reason I can't understand why the need of sexual projection decrease, my hypothesis is that part of this addiction was due to spirit influence and this has decrease as I am a bit more honest with myself by admitting that I have this addiction and I do not like this about myself.

I have realized "intellectually" that I have this addiction because I want to "feel good", and this is part of the key, I will explain this with something that happened to me:

The other day I got very angry with my wife because she took away a chocolate while I was eating!
I felt that she was very unloving and that she should learned to be more polite, considerate, etc. However, I watch an AJ video and saw that "anger is the suppression of another emotion", it took me one week to understand this emotionally, but after constant intellectual work and a prayer to understand what was wrong with me, I was finally able to feel my real emotions. I realize that while my wife may need to be more loving...first I need to examine my own emotions:

It took me several days to remember that in the exact moment that my wife took away the chocolate from me, I instantly felt hurt and betrayed by her. And the feeling was so intense that I reached the point where it is hard to feel. The feeling was so intense so rapidly that it made me feel like crying, and this feeling was very uncomfortable to me, to such a point that I did what I know best (I am used to avoid this feeling because I used to get punished for crying when kid since "men don't cry") and avoid it by feeling angry towards her. All this happens in milliseconds, the feeling of anger is much easier to feel because I get to blame her for my own feelings, I get to avoid my real feelings. Keep in mid that becoming aware of all this feeling is hard because all this happens in less than a second.


What this made me learn is that every time I felt and addiction (in this case anger projection to avoid my real feelings) I have previously avoided another feeling more intense. Going back to our main subject, whenever I feel the need to watch porn or sexually project to another women, I now know that I have already avoided another feeling, in my case I have avoided the feeling of deep sadness and now I am feeling neediness, I need to satisfy me to be at pace. Ass I said, I have not dealt with this emotion fully, but when I feel this need of sexual projection I now understand that I am being needy of a woman, needy of intimacy and needy of love. And this neediness is unloving an it is covering up my sadness

Now I am starting to move from intellectually understanding these emotions to emotionally understand the emotional reason of why I avoid my feeling of sadness. This is where I failed almost every time, but while I have started to been more honest with myself I have not felt the need to watch pornography but I still feel small LoA events like in the example of the magazines, meaning that still have not dealt with this emotion.

I hope this information can be of assistance to you, and if someone in a greater understanding of this subject feel that I have made a mistake, please correct me. I have seeing first hand that in Mexico is a very big addiction that almost every man has and I guess that my country is not the only, I heard in the radio that a research done in Canada could not found differences between a men that watch porn and a men that does not watch porn, the reason behind this was that they could not found "men that did not watch porn", hence, I am looking forward to the day when more men does not have this addiction I feel it would help to reduce the amount of aggression that is being projected towards women nowadays.

Alejandro.
"The truth will set you free"

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Pierrejoseph
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Re: I am responsible for only one persons actions, who and why?

Post by Pierrejoseph » Sat Oct 10, 2015 11:19 am

Hi Alejandro,

muchas gracias por te ripuesta ombre! :D

There is a lot in what you write and I certainly rejoin you in the principle that I am avoiding a deeper emotion when I watch porn, and I feel you might be right in terms of a "big sadness". I believe I remember now hearing Jesus mentioning more than once that addictive masturbation is for most men on the planet (pretty much all men?) a way to avoid feeling a deep sadness... Well the question now is to desire to feel it, but first to become aware of which kind of sadness. I remember I started masturbation somewhere around 12/13 and no matter how happy I was in a relationship, I never completely stop it at any moment for more than maybe a few weeks or month maximum. So this deep sadness must come from before my teenage years. I believe it has to do with how I felt unloved by my mum, but is that precise enough... in which situation, when precisely did this deep grief first entered me? Or is it the result of many layers of many times feeling unloved and I will have to feel every time before I give up any addictive desire to watch porn for masturbating (which is the case for me when it happens, it is not for the quality of the screenplay or of the actors/actresses?...I guess it is the case for every man if we are honest about it).

Well, concerning, projecting sexually at women in daily situation, I think - because I am still intellectually guessing here - it is another addiction, and another flavor of feeling unloved. I think it might be for me a neediness to get sexual approval from mum (women) because I don't want to feel how I felt unworthy as a male to my mum who did projected sexually at me (emotional incest - so I equal sexual approval to feeling loved) but she liked not the real "me", she liked the person she wanted me to be, and even if she would think and say I am the king, I felt completely unworthy of being the real me, completely unloved, completely undesirable/unattractive to women, completely unworthy of woman's love and care - and if a women ever sexually projects at me, or I feel better for a moment or I even don't notice it if she does not fit my addictive criteria - and lately I have started even feeling YUK when a woman projects at me, feeling like it is really invasive and painful to be sexually projected at.

You write :
I would like to offer a small advice, but first I must say that I still have not completely dealt with this addiction, but I have become slightly more conscious of it and I hope this can be of assistance to you. I feel that when I became more conscious of this addiction, for some reason I can't understand why the need of sexual projection decrease, my hypothesis is that part of this addiction was due to spirit influence and this has decrease as I am a bit more honest with myself by admitting that I have this addiction and I do not like this about myself.


I don't believe your addiction was due to spirit influence, I believe your addiction - your desire to not feel your pain (fear and grief and maybe shame) - has attracted the spirit influence which has reinforced the addiction, because spirits wants you to keep sexually projecting so they feel better and avoid their own pain, but this is what you want too. So, there is this co-dependency going on between the spirit and you. It is the same thing with me. It is like I can hear this little voice telling me "watch on your left, watch opposite the road, watch behind you..." I feel like a pretty woman radar. It is a bit like being a "sexual projecting alcoholic" really. Only my desire to love more my sisters/soulmate and not live my fear has made it less frequent, but it requires constant efforts because the causal pain is still in me. And when I feel terrible certain days, I am much more subject to sexually projecting and all kind of "neediness" addictive behaviors to avoid feeling my pain, and of course spirits are strong at hooking on me.

So I would make a distinction between a needy sexual projection at a women to get sexual approval, watching a beautiful woman's breast or legs or bud in a magazine, and masturbating at watching porn. I wonder though if there might be one causal emotion that link all 3 things or if there are 3 different emotions I am avoiding. I believe there are all coming back to feeling unloved at the end, but causal emotions are very specific in my experience in each case.

Yes, sexually projecting and any kind of needy projection is pretty damaging and I would love to grow in that respect. I feel more and more pain about it as I realize more the SIN of it. And I feel more and more the pain of other doing it to me too. So thank you for sharing your experience Alejandro.

Alejandro CL
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Re: I am responsible for only one persons actions, who and why?

Post by Alejandro CL » Wed Nov 25, 2015 1:11 am

Pierre,

I would like to help you imporve your spanish skills, you wrote
Pierrejoseph wrote:Hi Alejandro,

muchas gracias por te ripuesta ombre! :D (...)
The correct spelling would be "Muchas gracias por tu respuesta hombre!"; however, you were very close and I got the idea ;)

I feel your are totally right regarding the attraction from spirits:
Pierrejoseph wrote: (...) I don't believe your addiction was due to spirit influence, I believe your addiction - your desire to not feel your pain (fear and grief and maybe shame) - has attracted the spirit influence which has reinforced the addiction, because spirits wants you to keep sexually projecting so they feel better and avoid their own pain, but this is what you want too. So, there is this co-dependency going on between the spirit and you. (...)
You also wrote:
Pierrejoseph wrote: (...) So I would make a distinction between a needy sexual projection at a women to get sexual approval, watching a beautiful woman's breast or legs or bud in a magazine, and masturbating at watching porn. I wonder though if there might be one causal emotion that link all 3 things or if there are 3 different emotions I am avoiding. I believe there are all coming back to feeling unloved at the end, but causal emotions are very specific in my experience in each case. (...)
For me I feel that it is a similar emotion to what I get from eating cookies and sweets, in the moment that I feel a little sadness or loneliness, this makes me feel vulnerable or hurt and this is very uncomfortable and instantly I start looking for ways to made me feel good and I am very good at finding an addiction that I can control, and as I am starting to being more sentitive to my addictions I can see that before I use to think that "I suddenly felt like eating a cookie or masturbating", but now it feels that a little before this addiction I felt sadness or lonelyness for a breif moment and this triggered the emotion. I feel that I still need to develop my will to find the cause for this addictions and unloving action but at the moment I want to stay ignorant in my soul while intellectually I think that I want to change.

Also, thanks for sharing your experience Pierre and Alkemist.
"The truth will set you free"

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Pierrejoseph
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Re: I am responsible for only one persons actions, who and why?

Post by Pierrejoseph » Thu Dec 17, 2015 5:50 am

Hi Alejandro.

gratias por el curso d'espanol. Sorry for my spelling.

Yes, I have a similar feeling of sadness and loneliness as you mentioned, but mine feels more like a deep deep black hole of terror/despair and a profound sadness and feeling of loneliness, so deep and scary that I use my will to avoid it almost everytime, and I chose to damage myself (food) and others (sexual projections) instead of owning my feelings. It is a big problem and I have a huge resistance to get there obviously. How can I become more humble on that one? I have got to chose to feel my terror...use my will muscle to do it...next time. It has been always next time.

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