a little about adiction

[Darragh]

friday last i took a few hours to get to 'the bottom of my addictions'. So far i gave up meat, dairy, smoking, TV, facebook, sugar and to some extent and recently, alcohol plus another few. Reflecting on addiction as far as i feel it concerns me, i came to the following. Addictions for me are there to replace an emptiness from a 'disconnection' of some sort. that was the only word i could come up with. focusing on that alone brought me to a lonely feeling. I could feel urges (addictions) pulling at me. Feeling that brought me to a surprise which i'm happy to share. A kind and exceptionally happy spirit came through to help me but said that i go through the process myself, which is the only way. I felt that strange "whats going to happen" sickening feeling in my stomach. I took a few deep breaths and said, Show me. (speaking to myself). a sharp pain came to my right plantar muscle and a grip feeling to my ribs, I felt like a bag of bones. Like i had just been born? I thought this process was quick enough like a couple of minutes, however over an hour had passed. Afterwards I just went to bed. I was shattered. On the saturday i was in a daze, I couldn't help but think of those i acted upon to get a reaction and those i reacted to for the purpose of feeding their addictions. the process was based on the actions and reactions rather than what i used, to ignore or suppress. I feel relieved is all. Thats it. I went food shopping and came home with washing detergent. I feel like there is time to do everything now. I can see the effect my addictions have had in my life. Systems that i set up, manipulations i was running, others addictions i was feeding, Most interesting is i feel darker to be honest, slightly rotten, But i accept the feeling. I did unloving things and i look forward to feeling them.

So i say, touché Jesus, touché. You are sincere my good man.