My facade is the filter through which I live my life. On one side I hide, on the other side is everybody else. And my feeling is "what do they/she/he think of me?". My facade is how I act out a "somebody" whom I create in order to suit the other person's preferences, the way I guess them to be. And ultimately I have seen that I do exactly what my mom does, or did - and I act exactly as my dad wanted me to act when I grew up. So I act towards women in a very, very, very.... manipulative manner in order to receive their appreciation and love (which to me means that I want them to smile towards me), asking for advice, wanting them to "mommie" me, making myself small and needy, but also clever and orderly - but not too clever as that would be confronting and may annoy the other woman. Always agreeing with everything, or getting displeased and angry and wanting to hide that behind a smile.
And towards men I am clever, smart, quick, smiling, attentive, admiring, listening, controlling and demanding, smiling
, - wanting them to think that I am "one of them", as they are - but also sexy and beautiful. All this has made me lose sight of my femininity long ago.
