Self-reliance & other injuries, truth please?

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Patricia Sanders
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Self-reliance & other injuries, truth please?

Post by Patricia Sanders » Sat Feb 13, 2016 8:38 pm

Hi,

About six weeks ago I was given an amber strike. I've been through a series of emotions since then and would like to have feedback about them and my current condition. A lot of this is about my huge emotion of self-reliance, which is causing a lot of error and confusion for me.

The strike is here:

viewtopic.php?f=10&p=2766#p2766

The main points that Mary made are that I didn't want to receive personal feedback, I withdraw when I receive feedback, and I have a strong emotion of self-reliance and want to discover everything on my own. Mary pointed out that this would prevent me from developing a relationship with God and also leads to my being defensive and hypocritical with others. This is all definitely true. I had received direct feedback from AJ and Mary over a year ago that I didn't want truth, and I am only now beginning to see what they meant. I have not wanted feedback, I wanted to meet addictions and support my facade instead; I withdraw as a basic defense and have done this since childhood; and I have very strong feelings of self-reliance. All this has prevented my connection to God and it's led to my acting unlovingly in many ways toward other people and myself.

This happened an interaction I had with Tara (here: viewtopic.php?f=8&t=109) where I set myself up as an expert on a topic and then refused to answer Tara's question about it and even accused her of being unloving for asking. Specifically, I said, “I felt a bit of addiction and manipulation in Tara's question, that she was asking out of not wanting to do work on her own and wanted others to do it for her, which I felt was mostly driven by a desire (addiction) to interact with others.” Which conveys my belief that self-reliance is the way to be, and also was a hypocritical projection on my part because I myself was engaging in an addiction to interact with others. It also shows that my injuries regarding self-reliance prevent me from seeing the truth about an interaction in which a person is asking for assistance. I assumed that any request for help was needy.

My very first emotion after the strike was horror at being exposed and having my facade with regard to being superior taken away. I feel that desire for superiority was a large part of why I would always post without wanting feedback. I wanted to be “helpful” in order to be seen as advanced, smarter, or superior in love. In reality even then I could feel the difference in love between myself and some others on the forum, that they are in a much more loving condition than I am. My facade was threatened by that and I was trying to show that “I could be loving too.” So arrogant and unloving on so many levels.

I also immediately felt terrible about being “ejected” from the group and wanted desperately to get back “into” the group. I had read Mary's post almost as soon as she posted it (being hypervigilant about how people were responding to my posts), and I went instantly into feeling the emotions that came up (or at least pretending to) and trying to feel through the reasons why I had posted what I did to Tara. I believe now that the reason why I did that right away was really because I wanted to do whatever it took to get back into the group. I hadn't realized before how desperately I want to belong and be accepted in a group (this is a whole new area of awareness for me that I'd been in complete denial about before).

I also wanted Mary to think well of me (support my worthiness).

Even though I feel that I went into feeling emotions right away for addictive reasons, I feel like I did touch some real feelings. I had a vivid feeling-memory of being “told” (probably in projections not words) “you stupid whiner” when I asked for something and the awful feelings of having that projected at me. I felt that if I had that emotion in me that I hadn't healed, then I must be projecting it at everyone around me as well as myself, and that I must have been projecting that same thing at Tara. Which felt awful and I suddenly felt remorse about doing that to Tara. I went and read her introduction and realized that we have some interests in common, which helped me feel even more how unfair I'd been—treating her in a way I would not like to be treated. That was why I felt I could truthfully apologize to her, at least to a small extent, when I did. I knew that I had a lot more work to do on the emotions that led to my treating her the way I did, but I felt it important to apologize right away to the extent that I was feeling remorse. Not long before, someone had treated me unlovingly and she wrote to me as soon as she became aware of the unlovingness to tell me that she was working on it and would apologize in full when she could. That felt loving, to me, and so I felt to do the same for Tara. I realize now that there was addiction in this—wanting to smooth things over and regain a facade position. But I still feel that there was genuine remorse in me and that it was kind to say so and begin to take responsibility right away. This is one place where I'd like to know whether I did the right thing or not.

After the strike, I did withdraw not only from the forum but from many personal interactions as well. The truth that it is loving to go away and feel through the emotions so as not to project further, got combined with my injury of withdrawing to avoid pain and further loss of facade, plus fear of being punished for making mistakes and an injury that I'm not allowed to show my face unless I'm perfect. So I withdrew for injury-based reasons (even though a loving person would also have taken time out from participation).

I feel that my relationship with God has improved through this process. I had been wondering why I was not feeling connected to God and now I definitely see lots of reasons why. I am still not receiving Love but have felt God's and my spirit friends' care at times and feel that I've learned how to pray (which I thought I was doing before but was actually not sincere). I turn to God much more than I did before and have started to experiment with asking questions as a way of learning truth. I also feel I've learned what it means to feel through an emotion as well as physical pain, which I had not understood before. I had been doing a lot of self-deception/tantrum crying, before.

Next, I became aware of how much I do expect self-reliance from myself and others. And I admitted to myself finally that when I read posts on the forum, I sometimes feel lots of condescension toward the person who posts a question or situation. It doesn't happen all the time, but fairly often. That leads me to believe that I should not be posting any requests for help, because it's unethical to ask for help when I condemn others for doing the same. On the other hand, if that's true it means I'm back in a position of withdrawal, so I wonder if I am in error here and just justifying an injury. More about this below.

After that I became aware that I have a lot of fear and anger toward what feels like all human beings. This comes out in my daily life often. E.g. I am living in a house with others now, and the bathroom is at the other end of the house from my bedroom. Until very recently, when I needed to pee I would actually wait, sometimes hours, until the coast was clear because I didn't want to encounter anyone. This has shifted a bit and but still happens occasionally. I still avoid a lot in general and definitely use facade when I can't avoid. As a child I used to have fantasies that everyone would die in a cataclysm and I would have the world to myself. So this a strong emotion in me, the fear and anger toward people in general.

I understand that I can't love a person when I'm in fear. And I'm in fear of everyone. I feel like this will take a lot of humility and some time to get to the bottom of. In the meantime, it again makes me feel that I should not interact with people until I heal it, because I can't be loving in those interactions as long as the fear remains. Again this combines with my injuries and so it's hard for me to see the truth about this.

And then yesterday I started to feel that maybe I'm not really that bad (so bad that I essentially have to quarantine myself). I know I've been a plaything of spirits in the past because of lots of injuries that make me susceptible to influence, and I'm beginning to suspect that I'm allowing myself to be manipulated into isolation again. Of course, that wouldn't happen if I didn't want it to. But I feel that there is starting to be less desire for that in myself.

I currently feel that yes, it is unloving for me to post on the forum or even engage in personal correspondence, before fully working through the issues of condescension, fear, anger, loneliness, and addiction to belonging, and that I will have to do this away from the group. It seems to me that self-reliance, loneliness and addiction to belonging are injuries that have to be worked through alone. With regard to self-reliance, working on it alone makes sense to me because until my self-reliance is actually healed, any interaction I have with this group will be insincere, since my soul feels that I don't need or want help from others.

So, I'm acting against this conclusion by posting this, because I might be wrong, and I'd like to know what the truth is about this. I would really like to participate in the forum, but then I'm aware that I have this addiction to belonging and acceptance, and that makes me think, this desire to participate is just in addiction so I shouldn't indulge it. If I followed my own logic the result is that I would remain withdrawn. But when I feel about it I feel I'm probably being super harsh with myself. So I go around and around in circles.

Basically, I know I have a list of things to feel, and I would like to know whether it's loving for me to participate on the forum while I do that or if it's loving to do this work on my own, just with God. I truly can't tell which.

I would really appreciate some clarity and truth about all this. Thank you.

Patricia

LauraR
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Re: Self-reliance & other injuries, truth please?

Post by LauraR » Fri Feb 19, 2016 1:34 am

Hello Patricia,

Since first reading your post I have experienced many emotions and am doing my best to separate what might be my own personal feelings and what I am feeling from your post. Maybe it is because I have experienced (am experiencing) similar fears that I want to address you (although I feel I am being hypocritical because I still carry the injuries myself). But I believe we do not have to be perfect in order to help others (we would all be in deep shit if that was the case :shock: ). If we can acknowledge imperfection in ourselves and share what we have learned so far with compassion, maybe we can really learn to feel one another – no facades. So I will do my best to address your post and hope that you will feel the love I have in writing this to you.

It feels to me that you have spent the last 6 weeks living in your fears. You have withdrawn and you have tried to figure out intellectually why you received the strike or maybe more about what the resolution might be. You have not been humble to your feelings (as Mary noted in her original feedback to you). Additionally, you have done everything you could to rationalize your desire to withdraw; including bringing other questions into the issue that have only muddied the waters. In doing so, I believe you have harmed yourself further and have opened yourself up to increased spirit influence. (I have felt the spirit influence around the forum group. They want to belong to the group, but feel they are not loving enough - as you have stated about yourself.)

Jesus has said deconstructing the façade is the most difficult thing we will have to do. We have to challenge the addictions, so that we do not live in the fear. And we cannot continually tell our stories. Every time we tell the story we feed it. We give the stories more of a reality than God’s truth. When we live in our fears and do not challenge our addictions, we create a labyrinth of stories, excuses, explanations and more addictions. In short, you have twisted yourself into knots. The intellectual endeavor to resolve this issue is an addiction and you have been in resistance. We do need to use our logic. However, the level of confusion you have been experiencing should have told you that you were missing something in your logic and/or the emotions you felt you were processing, as God is not the author of confusion.

We are designed to feel our emotions. Maybe this is where the question of self-reliance v/s God reliance comes in (this is a somewhat new revelation for me, so anyone, please correct me if I am wrong). If we are not allowing God’s truth, we are being self-reliant. If we try to resolve our issues/fears/injuries with our intellect only, we are on the natural love path and are being self-reliant(and the wheels of Law of Compensation will grind ever so slowly). However, if we feel our emotions and process our feelings with God’s help, then we are on the Divine Love Path and are being God reliant. When we experience a soul based changed through our emotional processing, then we are being God reliant. After receiving God’s truth on a subject, there will no longer be confusion and our next step will be obvious – this is God reliance.

We need to challenge our addictions, feel our emotions fully and desire God’s love and truth “no matter what”.

Sincerely,

LauraR

The outlines for the coming assistance groups are on the Divine Love website. They might help you in this process. The questions are quite challenging and maybe they will cause some overwhelm for you – they are for me - which I hear is a good thing ;)

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Patricia Sanders
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Re: Self-reliance & other injuries, truth please?

Post by Patricia Sanders » Fri Feb 19, 2016 6:02 pm

Thank you, Laura.

I'm seeing I've had a feeling God will let me get away with things - not have to really feel things I don't want to - if I just do things to "please" Her. That if I pander to my parent, then I won't have to experience punishment or discipline.

So I've been doing a lot of what I'm "supposed to" (watching videos etc.) and assuming I would get a pass on feeling.

Truth: God is not like my parents, She will definitely not let me get away with things, the Laws will not bend, and I can't pander to Her like I could my earth parents.

Also, personal truth: a lot of my "doing" things that are associated with the Divine Love Path has been in this attempt to pander to God. Which explains why it felt so urgent and compulsive a lot of the time.

And I'm getting, finally, that I want to live in my fear because living in fear feels like a safe place - having walls around me or wrapping myself in a blanket and really not wanting to take it off. So it seems the next step is to develop the desire to take the blanket off and a willingness to feel unsafe.

Patricia

LauraR
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Re: Self-reliance & other injuries, truth please?

Post by LauraR » Sat Feb 20, 2016 4:44 pm

Hello Patricia,

I had the issue as well - wanting God to meet my addictions. Needless to say it didn't work.

The other day I had an epiphany I would like to share with you regarding the painful feelings we have when processing our emotions - more specifically not wanting to feel them - and my own case of selective hearing. What is below is part of an email sent to another sister on the path.


So - from the beginning. I printed out the assistance group outlines for the upcoming groups and was reading through them. In a couple of the outlines they refer to the 2014 assistance groups. So I printed those as well. And although I have been listening/studying Divine Truth for about two years - I'm reading the outlines and some of the questions --- well --- I just can't answer. I'm thinking to myself "how can that be?" I am really quite perplexed about the whole situation and decide I must go back and really study the 2014 groups. So I go on the youtube channel and am scrolling through the videos for 2014 and "accidentally" start a video. At first I'm like "What did I do? I didn't mean to select a video yet" - not even knowing what was going to play. I almost stopped the video from loading and then I decided to just go with whatever video was going to play.

It was a mediumship session with Anto. He is channeling a 4th sphere spirit - Alberto. And I swear it is one I don't think I ever heard/watched before - which is very cool. So towards the end of the session when Jesus is telling Alberto to ask for God's love - Jesus says something to the effect of being willing to feel any emotion that comes up. Alberto said he is feeling sad and Jesus says it is because there is an emotion he needed to release regarding his feelings towards God and also his beliefs about women.

What struck me is Jesus saying to feel whatever emotion comes up. Which means if we ask for God's love - we could feel a multitude of feelings. Now I don't know if this is something I just didn't hear in the past or if this video said it so clearly that I just couldn't miss it, but I was thinking that if we were receiving God's love - we would feel better. I had a huge contradiction that I didn't see.

On one hand, I hear so many people talk about receiving God's love and about how beautiful it is - I do not recall anyone saying, in the beginning receiving God's love can be painful because it is removing painful emotions. But on the other hand, I've also read in the Through the Mists books that God is the gentle surgeon, removing the barbs - which would be painful. Jesus even uses the quote in one of the groups - I remember hearing it and listening to that video a couple of times. But somehow I had a disconnect. Somehow I've listened for two years and didn't see/feel the discrepancy in my "logic" or what I was doing when trying to process emotions. I thought the "painful" part was "just me" not receiving God's love. That somehow I was doing something wrong because I was not experiencing God in the way I was expecting to. Like experiencing God's love would only make me feel better. Now that is one heck of a demand! What an epiphany on so many levels. I will be hearing a bit differently now I am sure and will be doing my best to allow God to be God. I hope that made sense.

I have to smile at how far off I have been. Maybe that is me being softer towards myself. I certainly hope so.

I am so very glad I "accidentally" played that video.

That was a bit over a week ago now and I have allowed the painful emotions and have stayed with my body and breathing. And I have received snipets of memories - like little pictures in my mind - of things that are related to the emotion. These are not memories I went looking for - they just popped in my head. They happened so quickly that if I wasn't paying attention I would have missed them.

But from these little snipets, I was able to grasp the memory more fully and process - in one particular case - I felt I was able to begin repenting. Which I believe is necessary. If our emotions are communicating with us - that one said - oh "expletive"! - that really sucks. Why on earth would I have done that?!

You know it wasn't anything big by the world's standards. And I never would have seen this on my own. But it was maring my soul. I'm not sure I fully repented in that time - but I am more aware. I am grateful.

I have heard Jesus and Mary both say this kind of pain is a relief. It hurts at first, but then it's like Thank God (literally) that thing is out of me. How I did not make the connection sooner - I do not know. This is a case of having ears and not hearing, having eyes and yet not seeing. I keep praying for courage and truth and it seems to be working.

I hope this helps further and my thoughts are with you often.

LauraR

PS - I know what it is like to live in fear and the horrible damage it does to our souls. Challenge it every moment you can! It is not God's truth! I like the Allegory of the Cave - we think the scary shadows are real.

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Patricia Sanders
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Re: Self-reliance & other injuries, truth please?

Post by Patricia Sanders » Sun Feb 21, 2016 6:30 pm

Hi Laura,

Thank you … I know there’s more for me to learn about being open to receiving God’s Love, and you have probably given me nuggets of truth about that that I am not seeing yet and need to absorb. I’ll keep rereading your message.

When I pray for God’s Love … wow, now that I am writing it it’s clearer what’s happening! It feels like a huge force pressing in on me, trying to burst through, and my resistance is like I’m literally, physically pushing back against it. I can feel the effort I’m expending. Wow. So to figure out how to stop doing that. It feels automatic. So I need to go back to looking at why I would resist. Thank you so much for putting me onto this.

(Like I didn’t know I was resisting God’s Love – of course I am. But this helps move the awareness a notch from intellectual to soul based.)

Yes, about YouTube videos coming on accidentally – I’ve learned, whenever that happens, watch it! Or even someone casually mentioning one in my presence – better go watch that one!

And those little snippets of memories you mention – same with those. They are definitely not random and are worth pursuing – like, why did I just think of going to the park with my old boyfriend, or whatever. Like Mary says, sweat the small stuff – the tiniest thoughts and feelings are like the ends of threads, and if you pull on them it’s amazing what can unravel.

So about fear. I don’t completely get the “false expectations appearing real” thing, so I’ll start another thread about that under the fear heading.

Thanks for your help, Laura, I really appreciate your concern for me and your messages.

Patricia

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Re: Self-reliance & other injuries, truth please?

Post by julie_bennion » Sun Feb 21, 2016 7:50 pm

Hi Patricia & Laura ~
Mostly I want to express my thanks for your dialogue here ~ for me it feels real & caring, exploratory, exposing, and helpful!
I can relate to so much of what has been expressed and have felt more encouraged to meet my false.expectations... instead of making them real, by continuing to live in & act them out.
So I have had some really good sessions the past couple days (just since reading Patricia's first post here) where I've been feeling into some terror. And I've felt just as Jesus says ~ it's difficult to allow these feelings because it will (and it does) feel terrifying while the fear & terror are coming up & being expressed. On the other side of these two experiences, I now feel I am less afraid of it. And I keep seeing how, when I'm in the process, and I open to communicating with God & experiencing Her Love, I almost always get overwhelmed, again & again. So it occurs to me, from your last message Patricia, that the resistance is probably/certainly? related to what you said about wanting to hang-on to, to be shrouded & sheltered by, y/our 'dear friend', fear. The fear IS resistive, and that'll surely keep us (as in shelter us) from opening, allowing, much less inviting, love to come in.

I hope this helps some! Thanks again for your meaningful dialogue,

Julie

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