Self attack or accurate self awareness?
Posted: Sat Feb 13, 2016 1:29 am
Hello all
Coming up to the assistance group this week I have been ruminating a lot on a lot of things. Currently where I am at is that my fear is running my life totally – I have become more aware of what I am doing and how I am feeling but I am compulsively NOT doing anything about it, all I am doing is working working working as I feel that if I only work harder and bring more money in my troubles will all go away. Utter rubbish. And I know it. But my soul doesn’t – all it feels is it needs to push myself harder and harder.
I have made some progress, which doesn’t feel like progress, it feels hard and bad, but now I am much more aware of how terribly I treat other people – radiating out from the people closest to me and all the way out to everyone in the universe. But this compulsive obsession of throwing myself into work (and not even doing that well or productively – I am so stressed I spend most of my time “flat spinning”, like I am pingponging inside a tight little square – and sometimes I have even caught myself literally doing that – walking back and forth inside a little square, and getting totally nowhere) prevents me from slowing down enough to really do something about that.
Except for the odd snippet of time like the other day I went to Sydney and back (a fifteen hour trip in the end), where I could reflect on stuff. And expecting to do that during the assistance group too – but worrying that I will come back and things won’t have changed at all.
Now and then I talk to God about it, but I am so closed up tight with stress that I don’t feel a response almost all of the time.
I started an eating plan on New Year’s Eve – where they provide you with all your food. This was working really well and I was fully expecting to stay on it for a year, as I found it easy mainly and I was losing weight. But there was a niggling feeling of how am I going to do this at the assistance group – there is so much meat in this plan and I would feel just so guilty about eating meat while I was up there (and one week we simply didn’t have the money to spend on it), so I stopped. I also felt that it was part of me expecting the world to fix things for me so I should stop expecting someone else to make it better for me. But, it’s mainly about me feeling guilty about eating meat and animal products.
First week post that decision went fine, but now I am piling the weight back on and I realised that the doctor I am seeing for an unrelated issue on Monday will probably ask me how it is going and I am scared that he is going to put me on the diabetic pill thing he wanted to put me on but put off because I was going to give this diet a go first.
I thought maybe I can find an equivalent diet plan that is vegan – I haven’t found one where they provide you with all your food, but there are some that give you menu plans. But I am screaming out (silently, as I don't often allow myself to actually express things) about that – I don’t want to take the time out to work out how to plan my week’s food and actually make the meals – I resist even making myself a healthy breakfast and eating it most of the time because I am so compelled to get down to my computer and do things (realising that the things I do on my computer are not always work related and productive anyway).
I am feeling so afraid of actually delving deep into anything – I am so literally deathly afraid of not being able to manage myself at any given moment that I do not allow myself to feel anything at all for more than a few seconds, even when I think I do want to (like when driving for ten hours and I have nothing else I can do at the time). I flick in and out of this forum, reading everything (compulsively – I feel I have to make sure there are no red (unread) posts so I can keep a tab on what is going on there, but I flick over most of the long posts – this is part of how I realised that I won’t take the time to really work on myself – initially I was impatient with the long posts there but now I feel that the long posts are actually people taking the time to really answer people and I just will not do that – it triggers my fight/flight stuff so majorly to stop and sit in anything for that long – even though I have spent the last year in therapy to work on just that, the fight/flight survival mode stuff.)
I feel like I am going backwards – I have realised that I am getting darker as I get older, and I am not sure if I am simply more aware of it or not but I feel like I am accelerating my degradation since I have started hearing Divine Truth seven years ago. I am feeling a lot of pain about how I am treating the people I live with, in particular, but also how I treat everyone I come into contact with. But – not enough to actually really do anything about it – I just feel like I am helpless and not in control of what I am doing and that no matter what I do I can’t change anything anyway (because I am unwilling to feel my rage, fear and grief). (This is what I hope to be able to focus on during the first assistance group - growing my desire to want to stop hurting others, and myself, and actually wanting to love).
(About three paragraphs ago I thought maybe I should post this on the forum, and I think my writing has changed since then – I feel I have started censoring what I am writing. Reading it back, perhaps not, but I am aware of the urge to say the “right” thing.) (edit after rereading this whole thing, I feel I am being honest in this after all)
What prompted all this writing right now, was something I just read on the internet which I ticked all the boxes in, about "7 common wounds of daughters with unloving mothers".
(I will post the link in case it is helps explain what I am trying to express.)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/te ... mon-wounds
As I was reading the linked article, I started feeling that my siblings would just say “here I go blaming mum again” but that didn’t impact me as deeply as it had in the past (I still do not feel the difference between being less driven by something and being better at suppressing it so I am not confident of how much I have dealt with things rather than just pushing them down).
I felt like every point in this article was spot on for me. And I felt emotion reading every single one, but I still don’t have the gut reaction about mum not loving me. I still don’t get deep enough into my feelings that I will spend more than a few minutes, if that even, feeling what is in me that needs to come out.
I have been listening particularly to the Law of Compensation interview Jesus gave recently and reflecting on how I am damaging others and have asked for celestial and divine guidance around that and what comes up is things like the link I shared here, and I think today that it is starting to dawn on me that I cannot begin to repent for what I have inflicted on others until I first look at and feel what mum and dad (but mainly mum I feel) inflicted on me.
Would I be able to get a reality check (the truth) about what I have written so I can see where I am deluding myself? (As I reword that last sentence I keep in mind how I make demands on others - I can't tell the difference between asking for help and demanding and expecting assistance.) Most of the car trip the other day was spent listening to the channellings from January related to the assistance group coming up and I now notice that I am more wanting to know the truth about myself and where I am at than I have ever before, so that is a good thing.
There were three spirits who spoke after the celestial spirit – one was a self reliant man from Australia, the next was a woman who was vicious to everyone while she was alive, and the third was a woman who was in fear, and while I could relate to every one of them, I feel that I am most like the middle person, Sarah the wealthy French woman, who was angrily violent and attacking (emotionally, not physically) and spent over 100 years in the spirit world feeling her family’s rage and raging at them (but part of me questions if that is really true or if I am like the other lady who spent decades in fear getting darker and more restricted, and my way of not feeling that is to punish myself by calling myself evil – this is what I am searching for truth around).
I know I have lots of fear, and all the grief that is under that, I don't know if I still am holding onto as much rage as I have had fed back to me in the past that I have (although I still feel its presence from time to time, which is why I feel I am like Sarah - I suspect I have a murderous rage in me that I suppress and therefore project out, yet it feels slippery and wispy when I go looking for it - all my emotions feel slippery, I feel I am not able to hold onto any in order to feel and release them).
Would I be able to ask for some feedback on how accurate my perception is please? I think from that I will be able to stop the "I don't know so I won't try" racket that I feel I have been stuck in.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Teresa
Coming up to the assistance group this week I have been ruminating a lot on a lot of things. Currently where I am at is that my fear is running my life totally – I have become more aware of what I am doing and how I am feeling but I am compulsively NOT doing anything about it, all I am doing is working working working as I feel that if I only work harder and bring more money in my troubles will all go away. Utter rubbish. And I know it. But my soul doesn’t – all it feels is it needs to push myself harder and harder.
I have made some progress, which doesn’t feel like progress, it feels hard and bad, but now I am much more aware of how terribly I treat other people – radiating out from the people closest to me and all the way out to everyone in the universe. But this compulsive obsession of throwing myself into work (and not even doing that well or productively – I am so stressed I spend most of my time “flat spinning”, like I am pingponging inside a tight little square – and sometimes I have even caught myself literally doing that – walking back and forth inside a little square, and getting totally nowhere) prevents me from slowing down enough to really do something about that.
Except for the odd snippet of time like the other day I went to Sydney and back (a fifteen hour trip in the end), where I could reflect on stuff. And expecting to do that during the assistance group too – but worrying that I will come back and things won’t have changed at all.
Now and then I talk to God about it, but I am so closed up tight with stress that I don’t feel a response almost all of the time.
I started an eating plan on New Year’s Eve – where they provide you with all your food. This was working really well and I was fully expecting to stay on it for a year, as I found it easy mainly and I was losing weight. But there was a niggling feeling of how am I going to do this at the assistance group – there is so much meat in this plan and I would feel just so guilty about eating meat while I was up there (and one week we simply didn’t have the money to spend on it), so I stopped. I also felt that it was part of me expecting the world to fix things for me so I should stop expecting someone else to make it better for me. But, it’s mainly about me feeling guilty about eating meat and animal products.
First week post that decision went fine, but now I am piling the weight back on and I realised that the doctor I am seeing for an unrelated issue on Monday will probably ask me how it is going and I am scared that he is going to put me on the diabetic pill thing he wanted to put me on but put off because I was going to give this diet a go first.
I thought maybe I can find an equivalent diet plan that is vegan – I haven’t found one where they provide you with all your food, but there are some that give you menu plans. But I am screaming out (silently, as I don't often allow myself to actually express things) about that – I don’t want to take the time out to work out how to plan my week’s food and actually make the meals – I resist even making myself a healthy breakfast and eating it most of the time because I am so compelled to get down to my computer and do things (realising that the things I do on my computer are not always work related and productive anyway).
I am feeling so afraid of actually delving deep into anything – I am so literally deathly afraid of not being able to manage myself at any given moment that I do not allow myself to feel anything at all for more than a few seconds, even when I think I do want to (like when driving for ten hours and I have nothing else I can do at the time). I flick in and out of this forum, reading everything (compulsively – I feel I have to make sure there are no red (unread) posts so I can keep a tab on what is going on there, but I flick over most of the long posts – this is part of how I realised that I won’t take the time to really work on myself – initially I was impatient with the long posts there but now I feel that the long posts are actually people taking the time to really answer people and I just will not do that – it triggers my fight/flight stuff so majorly to stop and sit in anything for that long – even though I have spent the last year in therapy to work on just that, the fight/flight survival mode stuff.)
I feel like I am going backwards – I have realised that I am getting darker as I get older, and I am not sure if I am simply more aware of it or not but I feel like I am accelerating my degradation since I have started hearing Divine Truth seven years ago. I am feeling a lot of pain about how I am treating the people I live with, in particular, but also how I treat everyone I come into contact with. But – not enough to actually really do anything about it – I just feel like I am helpless and not in control of what I am doing and that no matter what I do I can’t change anything anyway (because I am unwilling to feel my rage, fear and grief). (This is what I hope to be able to focus on during the first assistance group - growing my desire to want to stop hurting others, and myself, and actually wanting to love).
(About three paragraphs ago I thought maybe I should post this on the forum, and I think my writing has changed since then – I feel I have started censoring what I am writing. Reading it back, perhaps not, but I am aware of the urge to say the “right” thing.) (edit after rereading this whole thing, I feel I am being honest in this after all)
What prompted all this writing right now, was something I just read on the internet which I ticked all the boxes in, about "7 common wounds of daughters with unloving mothers".
(I will post the link in case it is helps explain what I am trying to express.)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/te ... mon-wounds
As I was reading the linked article, I started feeling that my siblings would just say “here I go blaming mum again” but that didn’t impact me as deeply as it had in the past (I still do not feel the difference between being less driven by something and being better at suppressing it so I am not confident of how much I have dealt with things rather than just pushing them down).
I felt like every point in this article was spot on for me. And I felt emotion reading every single one, but I still don’t have the gut reaction about mum not loving me. I still don’t get deep enough into my feelings that I will spend more than a few minutes, if that even, feeling what is in me that needs to come out.
I have been listening particularly to the Law of Compensation interview Jesus gave recently and reflecting on how I am damaging others and have asked for celestial and divine guidance around that and what comes up is things like the link I shared here, and I think today that it is starting to dawn on me that I cannot begin to repent for what I have inflicted on others until I first look at and feel what mum and dad (but mainly mum I feel) inflicted on me.
Would I be able to get a reality check (the truth) about what I have written so I can see where I am deluding myself? (As I reword that last sentence I keep in mind how I make demands on others - I can't tell the difference between asking for help and demanding and expecting assistance.) Most of the car trip the other day was spent listening to the channellings from January related to the assistance group coming up and I now notice that I am more wanting to know the truth about myself and where I am at than I have ever before, so that is a good thing.
There were three spirits who spoke after the celestial spirit – one was a self reliant man from Australia, the next was a woman who was vicious to everyone while she was alive, and the third was a woman who was in fear, and while I could relate to every one of them, I feel that I am most like the middle person, Sarah the wealthy French woman, who was angrily violent and attacking (emotionally, not physically) and spent over 100 years in the spirit world feeling her family’s rage and raging at them (but part of me questions if that is really true or if I am like the other lady who spent decades in fear getting darker and more restricted, and my way of not feeling that is to punish myself by calling myself evil – this is what I am searching for truth around).
I know I have lots of fear, and all the grief that is under that, I don't know if I still am holding onto as much rage as I have had fed back to me in the past that I have (although I still feel its presence from time to time, which is why I feel I am like Sarah - I suspect I have a murderous rage in me that I suppress and therefore project out, yet it feels slippery and wispy when I go looking for it - all my emotions feel slippery, I feel I am not able to hold onto any in order to feel and release them).
Would I be able to ask for some feedback on how accurate my perception is please? I think from that I will be able to stop the "I don't know so I won't try" racket that I feel I have been stuck in.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Teresa