Guilt
Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2016 4:14 pm
Hi there everyone,
I left my partner late last year after having a long term feeling of my addictions not being met. I realized that we had an angry woman/pandering man type relationship. Since then, I've felt a lot of anger towards my Dad, and thrown many tantrums over not having my partner around. I also felt some fear and grief related to using men like a prostitute. In all honesty, I must admit that these latter intense emotions were induced with fasting and then ingesting psychedelic mushrooms. I understand intellectually now that taking drugs is a sin, and that using them to connect to emotions indicates that I'm afraid of dealing with them myself. I have no intention of taking drugs again, although I have not confronted that addiction emotionally yet. I have prayed about whether it was my own or a spirit's emotions I felt due to the fact that I was in an altered state. I felt my prayer was answered clearly with a LOA event that showed me that the emotion applied to me, and that I in fact do want to use men like a prostitute.
I am now feeling a lot of narcissistic guilt over splitting up with my partner. Since I left, I have had pain in my throat which shows that i feel afraid to speak the truth, although the pain has subsided when I stopped using drugs. However, I've also had lot of great events come into my life and the pain I had in my right arm almost completely went away! I
On the few times I've seen him, I am angry (sinful), my right arm hurts again and always have a headache. Shortly before I left, I saw a medium who spoke to my deceased grandmother. My grandma definitely wanted me to leave my boyfriend. It makes me wonder if it is her and other spirits like her who are giving me a headache when I see my ex, or even when I just think about my guilty feeling. I'm also wondering if the good events in my life are there because I've satisfied her, or because I just stopped sinning by leaving a codependent relationship?
I thought leaving my partner was a loving action because I was using my him to feed my addictions and he had a lot of addiction he was not addressing. However, since i left, he has quit his largest addiction and says he wants to confront more. Generally I'm torn between two feelings: On the one hand, I feel like it would be loving to be with him to deal with my fear of men, because he's trying to change, because we created together and that I could treat him better the second time around. On the other hand, I really want to leave him and feel that most of the relationship was addictive.
My question: Is my guilt covering that fact that it is unloving to leave my partner because I'm running away from my issues with men, or it is covering my refusal to repent for all damage I've caused him during our relationship? I certainly was very unloving towards him. I can't deny this persistent guilty feeling I have and also the amount of pain I have felt in my throat area since I've left him. I have no intention of starting up a new relationship with someone else, which is a totally new feeling for me post-break up.
Intellectually I tell myself I don't want to use men anymore. The truth is that I continue to attract men that want me to do so in exchange for my sexual projection. I feel, however, that a tiny part of me does want to change to be more loving and get closer to God. I've prayed about this issue a lot, but have blocked any answers from God with my fear. I've been afraid of posting this question on the forum because I feel very exposed. So here it is. I realize that it may be pretty needy to ask such a personal question, so I understand if this post results in a strike against me.
I'd be interested to hear people's thoughts on this matter.
Thanks,
Lena
I left my partner late last year after having a long term feeling of my addictions not being met. I realized that we had an angry woman/pandering man type relationship. Since then, I've felt a lot of anger towards my Dad, and thrown many tantrums over not having my partner around. I also felt some fear and grief related to using men like a prostitute. In all honesty, I must admit that these latter intense emotions were induced with fasting and then ingesting psychedelic mushrooms. I understand intellectually now that taking drugs is a sin, and that using them to connect to emotions indicates that I'm afraid of dealing with them myself. I have no intention of taking drugs again, although I have not confronted that addiction emotionally yet. I have prayed about whether it was my own or a spirit's emotions I felt due to the fact that I was in an altered state. I felt my prayer was answered clearly with a LOA event that showed me that the emotion applied to me, and that I in fact do want to use men like a prostitute.
I am now feeling a lot of narcissistic guilt over splitting up with my partner. Since I left, I have had pain in my throat which shows that i feel afraid to speak the truth, although the pain has subsided when I stopped using drugs. However, I've also had lot of great events come into my life and the pain I had in my right arm almost completely went away! I
On the few times I've seen him, I am angry (sinful), my right arm hurts again and always have a headache. Shortly before I left, I saw a medium who spoke to my deceased grandmother. My grandma definitely wanted me to leave my boyfriend. It makes me wonder if it is her and other spirits like her who are giving me a headache when I see my ex, or even when I just think about my guilty feeling. I'm also wondering if the good events in my life are there because I've satisfied her, or because I just stopped sinning by leaving a codependent relationship?
I thought leaving my partner was a loving action because I was using my him to feed my addictions and he had a lot of addiction he was not addressing. However, since i left, he has quit his largest addiction and says he wants to confront more. Generally I'm torn between two feelings: On the one hand, I feel like it would be loving to be with him to deal with my fear of men, because he's trying to change, because we created together and that I could treat him better the second time around. On the other hand, I really want to leave him and feel that most of the relationship was addictive.
My question: Is my guilt covering that fact that it is unloving to leave my partner because I'm running away from my issues with men, or it is covering my refusal to repent for all damage I've caused him during our relationship? I certainly was very unloving towards him. I can't deny this persistent guilty feeling I have and also the amount of pain I have felt in my throat area since I've left him. I have no intention of starting up a new relationship with someone else, which is a totally new feeling for me post-break up.
Intellectually I tell myself I don't want to use men anymore. The truth is that I continue to attract men that want me to do so in exchange for my sexual projection. I feel, however, that a tiny part of me does want to change to be more loving and get closer to God. I've prayed about this issue a lot, but have blocked any answers from God with my fear. I've been afraid of posting this question on the forum because I feel very exposed. So here it is. I realize that it may be pretty needy to ask such a personal question, so I understand if this post results in a strike against me.
I'd be interested to hear people's thoughts on this matter.
Thanks,
Lena