Guilt

[Helena]

Hi there everyone,

I left my partner late last year after having a long term feeling of my addictions not being met. I realized that we had an angry woman/pandering man type relationship. Since then, I've felt a lot of anger towards my Dad, and thrown many tantrums over not having my partner around. I also felt some fear and grief related to using men like a prostitute. In all honesty, I must admit that these latter intense emotions were induced with fasting and then ingesting psychedelic mushrooms. I understand intellectually now that taking drugs is a sin, and that using them to connect to emotions indicates that I'm afraid of dealing with them myself. I have no intention of taking drugs again, although I have not confronted that addiction emotionally yet. I have prayed about whether it was my own or a spirit's emotions I felt due to the fact that I was in an altered state. I felt my prayer was answered clearly with a LOA event that showed me that the emotion applied to me, and that I in fact do want to use men like a prostitute.

I am now feeling a lot of narcissistic guilt over splitting up with my partner. Since I left, I have had pain in my throat which shows that i feel afraid to speak the truth, although the pain has subsided when I stopped using drugs. However, I've also had lot of great events come into my life and the pain I had in my right arm almost completely went away! I

On the few times I've seen him, I am angry (sinful), my right arm hurts again and always have a headache. Shortly before I left, I saw a medium who spoke to my deceased grandmother. My grandma definitely wanted me to leave my boyfriend. It makes me wonder if it is her and other spirits like her who are giving me a headache when I see my ex, or even when I just think about my guilty feeling. I'm also wondering if the good events in my life are there because I've satisfied her, or because I just stopped sinning by leaving a codependent relationship?

I thought leaving my partner was a loving action because I was using my him to feed my addictions and he had a lot of addiction he was not addressing. However, since i left, he has quit his largest addiction and says he wants to confront more. Generally I'm torn between two feelings: On the one hand, I feel like it would be loving to be with him to deal with my fear of men, because he's trying to change, because we created together and that I could treat him better the second time around. On the other hand, I really want to leave him and feel that most of the relationship was addictive.

My question: Is my guilt covering that fact that it is unloving to leave my partner because I'm running away from my issues with men, or it is covering my refusal to repent for all damage I've caused him during our relationship? I certainly was very unloving towards him. I can't deny this persistent guilty feeling I have and also the amount of pain I have felt in my throat area since I've left him. I have no intention of starting up a new relationship with someone else, which is a totally new feeling for me post-break up.

Intellectually I tell myself I don't want to use men anymore. The truth is that I continue to attract men that want me to do so in exchange for my sexual projection. I feel, however, that a tiny part of me does want to change to be more loving and get closer to God. I've prayed about this issue a lot, but have blocked any answers from God with my fear. I've been afraid of posting this question on the forum because I feel very exposed. So here it is. I realize that it may be pretty needy to ask such a personal question, so I understand if this post results in a strike against me.

I'd be interested to hear people's thoughts on this matter.

Thanks,

Lena

[julie_bennion]

Hello Lena ~
From what you've said, there is a variety emotions & motivations surrounding your desire to be with your ex, And your desire to leave him; As well, there are some polarized thoughts about it all. So firstly I'd say, I believe your thoughts won't help you see the truth until you feel through more of the emotions, and really feel committed to understanding your emotional self ~ from the roots, up. Then, and only then, will all of your questions be resolved.

A couple basic things that sound clear to me, and I hope this is helpful for you to hear ~ 1. I feel it was a good choice to leave your partner, since you say you were in a lot of addiction with each other and (I gather) that dynamic wasn't changing. 2. Going back to the relationship does not sound loving if it's only, or primarily based on what you said, "...to deal with my fear of men, because he's trying to change, because we created together and that I could treat him better the second time around." 3. It's really only loving to be in relationships where we want to give, to share in, & to express our love to the other person(s).

Sounds like there are places you can start from (ie. the blocks of fear you mentioned; Guilt, related to how you've used men; Uncovering what causes you to use men). These are what will lead you/us to clarity & to removal of the cause for the addictions.

As a side note, I recently came to some clarity about how Treating Others As I Would Like To Be Treated can be a conscious, daily tool for seeing & feeling what stops me (what are my addictions, my false beliefs), in the way of Always behaving in a loving manner towards myself & others. This is a tool I can use every day, everywhere, not just at home with my housemate, a cat, and all the plants & animals that surround me. So for you, it seems you're in a good place (a better place) to unravel the pieces that are sticking together, before you consider reuniting with your ex., by tuning-in to how you treat yourself & others, and what is in the way of love's expression, with men in particular, wherever you go.

Sure hope that helps some!,

[julie_bennion]

Hello again Lena ~
In re-reading my response to you, I feel it comes across as blunt & harsh. I'm really sorry if you feel that!
I appreciated hearing what's going on for you and I wanted to reply with what I felt might be helpful. At the same time, I am finding it quite challenging to write in a clear manner, while also conveying love & care with my words here. I also have a feeling for wanting to be brief, which is connected to some injuries. So again, I'm sorry if my message felt uncaring to you.

Wishing you well with all you are working through,

Julie

[Kate]

Hi Lena,

I can relate to quite a lot of what you have written. From what I have experienced with guilt I have found that it occurs when I have some awareness or am beginning to become aware of a particular thing I’ve done that is out of harmony with love. It’s a pretty cool time in a way because it’s the time of breaking out of denial: I’m no longer kidding myself that "no, it was really all the other person’s fault" and justifying my choices to myself, "I did the loving thing in that circumstance" and so on. This is a powerful place because once I become aware, change is now possible for me. Awareness is the first step of deconstructing error.

I would suggest the answer might be in the question!

My question: Is my guilt covering that fact that it is unloving to leave my partner because I'm running away from my issues with men, or it is covering my refusal to repent for all damage I've caused him during our relationship?

It sounds like the guilt could be related to both of the things you’ve mentioned, and the events you described have brought some awareness that there are things for you to look at in this area of your personal relationships with men.

The two things you’ve asked in the question have the same core: refusal to engage repentance (and forgiveness) in relation to men in your life is running away from your issues with men. Running away emotionally, whether you end the relationship or not.

Whether the loving thing is to be with him or leave him depends on the circumstances and is secondary in that either way, if you want to heal your relationships with men, the key thing to work on is what has begun to be exposed in yourself through becoming aware of addictions and the feelings of guilt that you mentioned. If we want to grow personally, we each need to do that work whether we continue to engage with people in our life or withdraw from them.

Personally, I have trouble with this and usually want to withdraw from relationships, interactions and ‘break-up’ with jobs when my addictions are not being met or when guilt arises and I begin to suspect that I am being unloving. I have tried both things of staying in the interaction and leaving the interaction, but the thing I personally haven’t yet done in either case is to fully emotionally resolve the guilt and addictive desires! So I don’t change or grow more loving with the alternative approaches, and I would warn you of the limitations of this.

You use the word narcissistic to describe your guilt, and I agree it can be if we stay absorbed in our guilt. But as I said at the start, there is also a loving potential from the emotion of guilt, to prompt us that there is an issue within that we are close to awareness of, to assist us to become aware and delve deeper into what is this about, what in me is driving this?

I would encourage you continue to pursue the questions you mention that you have already begun asking yourself. I find that when I am sincere in wanting to know the truth about myself, answers come and my awareness grows (usually bringing a lot more questions to ask about the new things I’m now aware of!)

Some things that have helped me get beyond guilt and gain more awareness about what’s driving my addictions are: taking time for personal reflection, journaling about what i'm feeling after events that trigger guilt or where my addictions weren’t met, becoming more sensitive to what God’s trying to bring awareness to through the law of attraction, getting more real and honest about my true condition. That desire to know the truth about our self really seems to be essential and the doorway to change and growth. While I don’t have a lot of personal experience with that yet, I have found that although it is exposing, engaging that process can actually feel quite relieving and beneficial too.

Best wishes with the self-discovery,

Kate

[Helena]

Hello Julie and Kate,

Thank you both very much for your feedback. I really appreciate you taking time out of your respective days to try and assist me. I had this feeling that no one was going to respond, and that I did not deserve a response, so I feel really grateful!

Julie:

I did not think your response was harsh or overly blunt at all. Actually I liked how you clear you were, and it made me realize that I need to be honest with myself about my lack of desire to love, and that there are opportunities to do so in my daily interactions. You said, "It's really only loving to be in relationships where we want to give, to share in, & to express our love to the other person(s)." Honestly I don't think I want to love. In my past relationship, I had many opportunities to open my heart and I declined. So it's on me to change myself and develop that desire.

Kate:

I think you are so right that my answer about what my guilt was covering was in the question itself. Thanks to your response, I understand better that whether I chose to stay with my partner or not, I am avoiding my issues with men if I don't deal with them emotionally. Thanks too for sharing some of your personal experiences and your suggestions about journaling and desiring truth.


Julie and Kate:

Thank you for not judging me for taking mushrooms. I was afraid of being judged as a dopehead for revealing that fact, and it turns out that fear wasn't even real (at least that how it seems with you two specifically). I know intellectually that it was wrong, and as I said before it indicates that I don't want to feel my feelings, and I'm letting fear block me.

After thinking about my post for a bit, I've come to see that it was an attempt on my behalf to get someone to tell me what to do. I've decided to just stick to my decision, and take full responsibility, even if it turns out to be a mistake, and learn from it. Right now I'm super resistant to my emotions, which may be why I'm getting sick in my throat. I'll continue to pray for the courage to become an emotional person and to receive more truth. But I know now that no matter how long I analyze my feelings, that real change will only come when I act to challenge my fears.

Thanks again for the gifts of your inspiring feedback. It really means a lot

Lena

[Lena]

Hi Lena atx

I wonder how much you are open sincerely to investigate the issue you are talking about.
You state that you had to fast and take psychedelic mushrooms in order to "discover" some of the emotions. I feel this is not your own realisation but one came from a spirit.
That is an indication that what ever the block you have to feeling your relationship with your dad and your husband, you are yet to uncover it and you are yet to open up to feel the truth of it.

I would just like to address that taking drugs is very unloving to ourselves and to others.
It damages our bodies, and promotes to others that it is ok to do that for them too. And that there is a law of compensation working on our soul for such actions and false believes.

I hope this will be of assistance to you to investigate more thoroughly your current blocks on this subject. Since it is out blocks (beliefs) and resistance, that needs to be felt first, before other emotions start to flow, and that includes even an angry emotion.

Lena

[Helena]

Hi Lena,

Thanks for your feedback, you were very direct. I think you are right in suggesting that I don't have a sincere desire to feel my blocks or my emotions underneath, especially towards my dad and ex boyfriend. I understand intellectually, ingesting drugs is a sin and I tell myself I've stopped. Upon some reflection over your reply, however, I realized that when pressured, I'll engage in drug use to avoid feeling, or just substitute another less taboo addiction.

Thanks again,

Lena