Help please with challenging control addiction/fear

[Maxine]

Hi,

I have a big addiction to control all aspects of my life, on a day to day basis. I make routines and to- do lists which give me feeling of satisfaction when ticked off or accomplished. However, I am noticing firstly, how this controlling affects every aspect of my life: relationships with myself and others, my environment and my life in general. I had a lot of chaos as a child, unpredictable events, violence, alcohol and my mother's suicide attempts so I know there is a huge amount of fear in me to process. I have just been transcribing a mediumship with Anto Klobucar and Jesus and a spirit named, Phillippa and at the end Anto has some personal realisations and I feel I have the same and never realised that one of my blocks to personal truth is about controlling what I feel, not being overwhelmed.

I am starting to awaken to how yukky this addiction can be, but also that it impacts my life so much, to the point where I stay in a sick kind of comfort zone (prison cell). My life feels small and mundane as I allow this addiction to prevent me from challenging my fears. I exist, but do not feel I truly live - trapped in a prison of my own making: gripping tightly. But, I really want to know God and my soul, this big one needs challenging.

I wondered if anyone else had any experience with this kind of addiction and any tips or ideas about what helped.

Thanks
Maxine

[Amanda Stracey]

Maxine

Apologies but I don't have much time to answer but I felt this interview might help clarify something for you in looking at what we avoid with our addictions and accepting that we've created them for what seems like good reasons when we were little but we have other choices now. When I remember to remind myself that some people with say a fear of being fat or being ridiculed for being fat would not necessarily have created a life of controlling their food choices/dieting for example, they might rebel against that completely or chosen the path of love/growth and not run away from their fear and choose to experience it rather than placating it. I've found it useful to ponder where in my own life I've been able to give up a physical addiction permanently and where continuing with that addiction would have led me ( how much damage smoking for instance did and could have done) and what I learned ( how much happier my life became when I thought it wouldn't) look at applying that to emotional compulsions as well.

http://youtu.be/RBFpX0sKAQo

[Maxine]

Hi Amanda,

Your idea to feel through emotional addictions in the same way we do physical ones is a good one. The last couple of days, looking at my present situation in all areas, very clearly shows me the damage my addictions have created, though I struggle to see it getting worse I know that possibility is there. At the moment the first emotions around that coming up are anger/frustration and this desire for me to hang on to anger to avoid fear/sadness is still very present. Just as I looked for some paper to jot a few things down I picked up a notebook ( I have many) that just happened to have some notes about suppressing anger and self deception so that was the LOA helping me.

Thank you for the clip. I listened to it, and had to keep rewinding, so that says something about my lack of desire for truth - driven by fear. Having that desire to feel the painful emotions. I think I keep telling myself it is tough, lack faith in myself , which is another way to avoid it so reminding myself of God's truth - I can do it, she made me capable of it.

It came to me today that when I get that compulsion to clean, tidy, do admin, whatever other thing I choose to control and distract I need to not do it (unless it's urgent) and see what get's triggered.

I need to take some time to reflect on all this and pray.

Thank you x

Maxine

[julie_bennion]

Hello Maxine ~
Me too, I can easily get locked into acting in f.e.a.r., using the broom, the sponge, the dust rag to divert attention from What Is Going On Inside!?!

While reading about how you strive to control your days, and therefore your emotions, I got an image of a woman, using the broom as she really feels she wants to ~ thrashing it at the floor a hundred times; then I saw her Wringing the sponge, til it splits in half, throwing it numerous times in/at the kitchen sink; And Hitting the lint-thick air while racing, full of emotion, into any & every room, swatting at the insane desire to Control Everything. Sometimes we have to get sick before we Are Sick Of our "I'm doing it my way" rebellion and hardness.

Thank you for asking about this ~ I really appreciate the image that came, as I definitely need to challenge this addiction, in the moment of its activation. I have in mind to put my imagination to use, probably tomorrow morning!

If this appeals to you, Maybe you'll join me.

Thanks again!