A return to my younger self?
Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2015 4:24 pm
I wonder if someone could help me to see clearly on this matter. In general I am very different in my interactions towards people than I did as a teenage or in my twenties - I am now 51. Something happened to me at age 27 which basically pulled the rug from under me. The three closest people to me in the world (my aunt who had been like a mother figure, her daughter who had been like a little sister and my best friend from school) all turned against me at once. I had been through a very bad time because of a relationship breakdown and I ended up making myself homeless and jobless. My aunt had always told me to think of her home as my home and we had always been close. I ended up knocking on the door one evening and asking if I could stay while I sorted myself out. I stayed 9 months.
During that time I shrank myself smaller and smaller and tried not to exist because there was obvious hostility and resentment toward and a lack of respect from all of the three people - well, four really as it my uncle as well but I had never been close to him. This resentment and basic lack of respect did not grow as time went on, it was there from the moment I arrived. I was so set in my view of them I wouldn't let myself accept at the time that it was actually happening. It wasn't until I moved out it hit me and I did not bother to respond to their letters.
14 years later I moved back home and we ended up meeting back up and kind of resumed the relationship. The past was not discussed that much and I suppose I kept feeling that at some point my aunty or my cousin would bring up the matter and we would discuss it but it never happened.
I did once ask my that same best friend and that same cousin what I did that was wrong and was told I'd done nothing wrong. I didn't push the matter and we just papered over the cracks!
There were various things that happened after we resumed contact which showed me that that I wasn't being respected, yet again, and I then decided to cut them off finally. I just wrote a short letter saying I had had counselling and had decided that it was in my better interests not to be involved in the family.
I do see now with hindsight the things I should have done differently e.g. it was not loving to just turn up and expect to be taken in. I'm also aware that moving myself from the situation was not the wisest thing - it was the perfect situation to feel my feelings and heal from childhood wounds, but obviously that was not on my radar at the time.
The main thing is there is a very definite difference between the person I was before that 9 months and the person I became afterwards. I had also been very naïve and gullible and too trusting, never sensing or looking for undercurrents, picking up signals and reading between the lines. After my 9 months there I turned into almost the opposite sort of person, picking up on cues etc. and obviously also imagining slights and criticisms etc. that aren't there.
To sum it up I went from a person who would not notice if it smacked me in the face if someone did not like me ( I liked most people and just assumed most people liked me and was very open) to a person who was now ultra vigilant who couldn't seem to believe anyone liked me so was very closed and kept myself to myself.
I have processed some emotions and am not so vigilant but I know there are a lot more to come. I was much happier as a person in general when I was trusting and just expected that people liked me than as the person who was on the look out for negative reactions and bad treatment.
I feel it's because it never entered my head before that these 3 did not feel for me as I felt for them so it came as a huge shock when what happened, happened and now I'm just on guard to stop it happening again.
When I left the house after 9 months I really was all alone in the world. My parents had died and I had no brothers and sisters that I knew and my best friends and supporting relatives were the people who had turned against me. I have never had a close female friend since.
I think I like to think that I become more like my younger self as I work through all of this but is that the case? Or has that open, trusting, young self gone and it will be a totally new feeling within me?
I think that's it - many thanks if you've gotten this far and thank you for reading this.
During that time I shrank myself smaller and smaller and tried not to exist because there was obvious hostility and resentment toward and a lack of respect from all of the three people - well, four really as it my uncle as well but I had never been close to him. This resentment and basic lack of respect did not grow as time went on, it was there from the moment I arrived. I was so set in my view of them I wouldn't let myself accept at the time that it was actually happening. It wasn't until I moved out it hit me and I did not bother to respond to their letters.
14 years later I moved back home and we ended up meeting back up and kind of resumed the relationship. The past was not discussed that much and I suppose I kept feeling that at some point my aunty or my cousin would bring up the matter and we would discuss it but it never happened.
I did once ask my that same best friend and that same cousin what I did that was wrong and was told I'd done nothing wrong. I didn't push the matter and we just papered over the cracks!
There were various things that happened after we resumed contact which showed me that that I wasn't being respected, yet again, and I then decided to cut them off finally. I just wrote a short letter saying I had had counselling and had decided that it was in my better interests not to be involved in the family.
I do see now with hindsight the things I should have done differently e.g. it was not loving to just turn up and expect to be taken in. I'm also aware that moving myself from the situation was not the wisest thing - it was the perfect situation to feel my feelings and heal from childhood wounds, but obviously that was not on my radar at the time.
The main thing is there is a very definite difference between the person I was before that 9 months and the person I became afterwards. I had also been very naïve and gullible and too trusting, never sensing or looking for undercurrents, picking up signals and reading between the lines. After my 9 months there I turned into almost the opposite sort of person, picking up on cues etc. and obviously also imagining slights and criticisms etc. that aren't there.
To sum it up I went from a person who would not notice if it smacked me in the face if someone did not like me ( I liked most people and just assumed most people liked me and was very open) to a person who was now ultra vigilant who couldn't seem to believe anyone liked me so was very closed and kept myself to myself.
I have processed some emotions and am not so vigilant but I know there are a lot more to come. I was much happier as a person in general when I was trusting and just expected that people liked me than as the person who was on the look out for negative reactions and bad treatment.
I feel it's because it never entered my head before that these 3 did not feel for me as I felt for them so it came as a huge shock when what happened, happened and now I'm just on guard to stop it happening again.
When I left the house after 9 months I really was all alone in the world. My parents had died and I had no brothers and sisters that I knew and my best friends and supporting relatives were the people who had turned against me. I have never had a close female friend since.
I think I like to think that I become more like my younger self as I work through all of this but is that the case? Or has that open, trusting, young self gone and it will be a totally new feeling within me?
I think that's it - many thanks if you've gotten this far and thank you for reading this.