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I wonder if someone could help me to see clearly on this matter. In general I am very different in my interactions towards people than I did as a teenage or in my twenties - I am now 51. Something happened to me at age 27 which basically pulled the rug from under me. The three closest people to me in the world (my aunt who had been like a mother figure, her daughter who had been like a little sister and my best friend from school) all turned against me at once. I had been through a very bad time because of a relationship breakdown and I ended up making myself homeless and jobless. My aunt had always told me to think of her home as my home and we had always been close. I ended up knocking on the door one evening and asking if I could stay while I sorted myself out. I stayed 9 months.

During that time I shrank myself smaller and smaller and tried not to exist because there was obvious hostility and resentment toward and a lack of respect from all of the three people - well, four really as it my uncle as well but I had never been close to him. This resentment and basic lack of respect did not grow as time went on, it was there from the moment I arrived. I was so set in my view of them I wouldn't let myself accept at the time that it was actually happening. It wasn't until I moved out it hit me and I did not bother to respond to their letters.

14 years later I moved back home and we ended up meeting back up and kind of resumed the relationship. The past was not discussed that much and I suppose I kept feeling that at some point my aunty or my cousin would bring up the matter and we would discuss it but it never happened.

I did once ask my that same best friend and that same cousin what I did that was wrong and was told I'd done nothing wrong. I didn't push the matter and we just papered over the cracks!


There were various things that happened after we resumed contact which showed me that that I wasn't being respected, yet again, and I then decided to cut them off finally. I just wrote a short letter saying I had had counselling and had decided that it was in my better interests not to be involved in the family.

I do see now with hindsight the things I should have done differently e.g. it was not loving to just turn up and expect to be taken in. I'm also aware that moving myself from the situation was not the wisest thing - it was the perfect situation to feel my feelings and heal from childhood wounds, but obviously that was not on my radar at the time.

The main thing is there is a very definite difference between the person I was before that 9 months and the person I became afterwards. I had also been very naïve and gullible and too trusting, never sensing or looking for undercurrents, picking up signals and reading between the lines. After my 9 months there I turned into almost the opposite sort of person, picking up on cues etc. and obviously also imagining slights and criticisms etc. that aren't there.

To sum it up I went from a person who would not notice if it smacked me in the face if someone did not like me ( I liked most people and just assumed most people liked me and was very open) to a person who was now ultra vigilant who couldn't seem to believe anyone liked me so was very closed and kept myself to myself.

I have processed some emotions and am not so vigilant but I know there are a lot more to come. I was much happier as a person in general when I was trusting and just expected that people liked me than as the person who was on the look out for negative reactions and bad treatment.

I feel it's because it never entered my head before that these 3 did not feel for me as I felt for them so it came as a huge shock when what happened, happened and now I'm just on guard to stop it happening again.

When I left the house after 9 months I really was all alone in the world. My parents had died and I had no brothers and sisters that I knew and my best friends and supporting relatives were the people who had turned against me. I have never had a close female friend since.

I think I like to think that I become more like my younger self as I work through all of this but is that the case? Or has that open, trusting, young self gone and it will be a totally new feeling within me?

I think that's it - many thanks if you've gotten this far and thank you for reading this.

I too have that injury, looking for, thinking people don't like me. Sometimes when someone, an associate tells me they like me or miss me, it throws me off guard, I think too much like do they really mean that, or are we playing games? My hesitant response then gets interpreted as non-mutual feelings. This just reminds me that I need to work on this too.

In the video, Assistance Group 2014: Understanding Self: intro... AJ discusses that the real self is open, unrestrained, adventurous, expressive, candid, etc. The hurt self is timid, hesitant, apprehensive, cautious, concealed, self-conscious, rejected, unwanted, etc. So yes, I think these hurt self feelings can be released, to reveal those characteristics of the real self again.

Thank you Niky. Yes the list of real self attributes is very much how I was - this was even despite the experience of child abuse, of losing birth mother at the age of 3, being raised by a highly critical, domineering mother, and living with her and my dad (none of the my biological parents or blood related at all) in a house where the only communication that ever happened was resentful silence or arguing.

It's as if 'Auntygate' was the final straw. Then I became all the things in the hurt self.

I don't know why but for some reason writing this I keep getting the urge to laugh! It might be because it's all so predictable and stereo typical it's almost dull in a way! But partly because when reading your response I suddenly felt hopeful and that I am on the right track.

Hi Jem

I would just like to offer some of my own feelings as to what you have shared here.

Firstly Jem, I do not feel like you were truly and sincerely asking for assistance as you say you were. I feel that you shared your story in an addictive and narcissistic way in the hope that somebody may agree with your own assessment of things. To me, I feel this is quite evident when reading your response to Niky (somebody who gave you the feeling you were looking to receive when writing your initial post out) where you got this addiction met.

In your initial post you wrote:

There were various things that happened after we resumed contact which showed me that that I wasn't being respected, yet again, and I then decided to cut them off finally. I just wrote a short letter saying I had had counselling and had decided that it was in my better interests not to be involved in the family.

I feel here Jem that you are still pretty angry with these members of your family. You have an addiction/demand in you of wanting to be respected, and when you felt as though you did not get this demand met, you cut them off. There are feelings here of self-righteousness and I reckon you are trying to punish/blame them for the perceived pain you felt they caused you when you were younger. If you healed these relationships by allowing yourself to feel your own hurt, I do not feel as though you would have:

a) Shared this story on the forum, particularly in this manner
b) You'd be more open to interacting with your family members

You wrote:

I think I like to think that I become more like my younger self as I work through all of this but is that the case? Or has that open, trusting, young self gone and it will be a totally new feeling within me?

I feel this question was just kinda thrown in at the end to give somebody a chance to hook into your emotions and provide you with feelings of agreement and approval of what you have shared to validate your previous actions with your family members.

In your response to Niky, you wrote:

Thank you Niky. Yes the list of real self attributes is very much how I was - this was even despite the experience of child abuse, of losing birth mother at the age of 3, being raised by a highly critical, domineering mother, and living with her and my dad (none of the my biological parents or blood related at all) in a house where the only communication that ever happened was resentful silence or arguing.

I cannot agree with this conclusion you have made regarding that you were your real self before this situation with your other family members came around. I feel you were in denial/suppression of this childhood sadness and pain up until this period of your life where this hurt was getting triggered and as you said previously, a perfect opportunity to heal which you did not know was the case at the time (and is conflicting/contradictory to what you shared in your response to Niky). If you allow yourself to feel/soften to these things that you stated in the quoted section above, there will be a lot of sadness there.

You finished with:

But partly because when reading your response I suddenly felt hopeful and that I am on the right track.

You felt like this because you received a response/feeling from Niky of agreement/approval/validation that you were attempting to elicit when you made your initial post and one I feel that is not in harmony with Truth & Love for the reasons I have explained above.

Hope that helps.

Cheers
Nicky

Hi Nicky,

Thank you. Yes I am very angry with this particular section of my family and have always known so. I also realised after reading your post that even though I've known this I've never worked on dealing with that anger. For anger over other things I've hit and punched the pillow and screamed etc. but it had genuinely never entered my mind to do this with the anger over this family issue. I feel I have made a very small start on this and feel a small amount about my own levels of expectation towards them.

I have known logically for a while that I had these expectations but I didn't actually feel it. I really am open to communicate with them but do feel I can't approach them as it was me who told them I didn't want any more contact with them. I'm very conscious that I've been seen in my past as a person who can flip-flop around and change my mind with the wind so this, mixed in with a lot of pride, puts me off wanting to be the first to initiate contact. I'm not expecting them to approach me but if they did I would not react negatively toward them but I would strive for honest and open interactions and work out my anger in private.