Parenting challenges.

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Abram
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Parenting challenges.

Post by Abram » Tue Sep 08, 2015 9:18 pm

I'm being really triggered lately with my children (6 girl, 3 boy) not listening, being hurtful and unloving to each other and my wife and I. I know I have many errors surrounding these issues. Part of what I'm struggling with is letting go of the idea or expectation that my children should listen to me and/or treat me lovingly. I am so afraid of doing nothing to correct the unloving behavior that I often resort to anger and punishments. I've heard AJ talk about feeling my feelings before I address the unloving behavior, though this is really difficult when there is an issue that needs to be addressed quickly (i.e., children fighting, one goes outside without my permission, etc.). I also struggle with knowing how to address the children's unloving behavior (i.e., identifying consequences that are natural and logical). Most of the time I would talk about how the behavior is unloving (mainly with 6 year old) and how it makes me feel and wouldn't give consequences. Recently I've tried to give consequences that seemed logical, though find that her behavior is getting worse. Any suggestions? Thanks

Elvira
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Re: Parenting challenges.

Post by Elvira » Wed Sep 09, 2015 3:45 am

Hi,
have you watched the talks on parenting? Here is a link to the first one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_Dd0ZK ... e=youtu.be

Also in this video at around the 2 hr mark Jesus talks about a technique of holding children, but I think you would need to be in a place of love not anger to be able to apply it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hm4rNLX ... e=youtu.be

Where you said you talk to your daughter about how she makes you feel, it feels like maybe you are making her responsible for your feelings as a way of avoiding feeling them and it may account for her worsening behaviour. Believe me when I tell you I know how truly painful those sorts of realizations are. I don't have any experience of applying principles of Divine Truth to parenting small children, mine were already adults so I don't want to say to much about it but I do know someone who spoke to her teenage children, acknowledging their feelings and talking to them about loving ways of dealing with those feelings, it seems to be really helping (and role modelling it herself).

Some of the worst harm I did is something which I actually thought was loving at the time (putting aside here all the things I knew were not loving but was still doing), was 'soothing' my sons' anger and hurt away or blaming them for my anger, it was all a way of avoiding my own feelings.

Elvira
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Re: Parenting challenges.

Post by Elvira » Wed Sep 09, 2015 4:11 am

Hi again Adwilks,I can be so abrupt, I really wish you much love in working through things with your children. Elvira

Abram
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Re: Parenting challenges.

Post by Abram » Thu Sep 10, 2015 9:18 pm

Elvira,

Thank you for your time to respond and I appreciate your suggestions. I can't remember all the youtube videos on parenting that I have watched, though I will go back and re-watch them again if need be to gain some clarity. Your thought about me not owning my emotions and making my daughter responsible for them is what I have done a majority of the time and this was a very challenging realization to come to. I still may do this with the intention of helping my daughter see how her unloving behavior can impact others, though again this is probably not the healthiest approach as I need to feel my own emotions in those times and not blame her.

The challenge is to figure out how to teach her that unloving behavior has consequences without being unloving toward her. One way you mentioned is to model how to appropriately express my emotions in a healthy way, though wonder what other strategies I can use. I've tried the holding technique when my kids are being violent, though I know I haven't followed through and have done it out of a place of anger at times. That technique only seems relevant during those times when physical intervention is necessary. I wonder how to address disrespect, lying, and other unloving behavior besides me working through my own emotions.

I'm watching one of AJ's videos about emotions and family and he talks about how the expectation/demand that my child treat me with respect is actually unloving for me to do. This is really a paradigm shift, though makes sense in terms of our goal of being unconditionally loving and respecting our children's free will. However, I know I have a responsibility as a parent to help my children understand how the laws of the Universe work and wonder how I can do this during those times I described earlier when my children are being unloving. Thanks again!

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Anneli
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Re: Parenting challenges.

Post by Anneli » Fri Sep 11, 2015 11:59 am

Hi there adwilks,

I'm glad that you are seeking a way to be more loving and sharing more of that with your kids.

I've mothered first 2, later 4 children in my life, right now the youngest one here is 11 years old, and the oldest 18. There have been so many unloving situations, and fear, frustration, worry and rage and anger, connected to all these years with them and my attempts to parent them from this injured state that I've been in for so long, and I can relate a bit from that to what you are describing.

My reflection upon reading what you wrote abput your parenting challenges, is that you seem to be dodging the fact that your kids wouldn't actually be doing most of these unloving things, unless the reasons for them were still inside you. When you have felt through those particular reasons, in the form of any related core emotions, the children won't have any reason to keep doing those things anymore (besides from whatever unloving emotions and false beliefs they themselves still have, I'd suppose).
There may for sure be other parents and adults that are also having this impact on the little ones, but it's still been obvious in our own family life how my emotional processing has affected the entire family's behaviour, "just like that".

Until you've healed the emotions involved within you, I'd personally suggest that you simply restrict them physically, if that's needed (as when they are walking out the front door on their own, and you'd need to ask them to go back inside, and if they don't, you'd need to make sure they come back inside again, and if they keep going out, you'd need to hold them until they've let out whatever emotions caused them to walk outside unattended), without projecting any of your emotions on them, and then, on your own, make sure to investigate inside yourself what you felt about them doing like that, and allow the emotions to keep going from there.

I'm having faith that there won't be as many doubts for you at all, after digging through and letting out your own unloving emotions in this area, regarding how to behave when someone else (like the kids) behave unlovingly. This is slowly happening to me, and I'm feeling so much appreciation that it does. God has surely created a completely amazing universe for us to learn from and to enjoy (and to do much more than that, I'd reckon).

I wish you the best,

Anneli

Abram
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Re: Parenting challenges.

Post by Abram » Fri Sep 11, 2015 3:54 pm

Anneli,

I appreciate your feedback and suggestions. I think I'm afraid to trust that by simply owning my own emotional reactions and working through those causal emotions will be enough to help my children learn to be more loving. It feels like I should be doing something in addition to that outside of the times when I need to physically intervene. I guess this is probably related to the belief that was instilled in me as a child, that I need to have some sort of punishment or consequences for my actions or else I will never learn and grow. This definitely makes me feel powerless and afraid and shows where I'm lacking faith. Thanks for the guidance.

Elvira
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Re: Parenting challenges.

Post by Elvira » Fri Sep 18, 2015 4:54 am

Hi Adwilks
I feel now that in my initial response to you I was in addiction, wanting to feel that I have worked through at least some of why I blamed my sons so that I didn't have to feel. Nicky helped me to realize that through my feeling angry at your response. In writing to you initially I started to feel very emotional, a whole lot of scenarios with my own sons were coming up for me, but that has happened time and again where I am having to compensate for my sins because I am not willing to feel why I did what I did. Then I fell into my favorite addiction, punishing myself and when I do that I am also hard on other people and I was hard and demanding with you. I also was clearly in no position to give you advice on something I haven't worked through myself. I am sorry I projected expectation and anger at you. Elvira

Abram
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Re: Parenting challenges.

Post by Abram » Fri Sep 18, 2015 6:49 pm

Elvira,

I'm glad you were able to gain some insight into your addictions and are working through them. Your response was confronting, though was what I needed to face (i.e., making my daughter responsible for my feelings). I've been working on feeling my emotions instead of trying to correct the behavior. I still have a long way to go as I still react when feeling powerless and use threats to get my children to do what I want. I wish you well.

Abram
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Re: Parenting challenges.

Post by Abram » Tue Oct 06, 2015 5:23 pm

I’ve been trying to feel my emotions more lately as suggested in this thread. I’ve tried to talk less about my feelings to my kids for fear I’m making my kids responsible for them. I’m still really struggling with all of this and hope I can get some feedback on these matters.

This morning my daughter and son were throwing things at each other and I told them to stop and had to get in between them. My daughter kept throwing things so I told her she needed to come with me to the room. She refused. I said “I’m going to count to three and take you to the room”. She came with me to the room and laid on her bed. She put her hands over her ears as she didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I was short for time and had to leave to go to work. I sat for a bit giving her a few seconds, but not long enough for her to be open to the discussion as I know she could feel my anger toward her. I told her “I’m not going to let you throw things at us or be unloving” and walked out of the room. I started to cry as I was feeling very angry that she was being so disrespectful. I was afraid for her and her future relationships as she is acting very mean very often and afraid of others perceptions of me as a parent. I was sad because I know I have contributed to this unloving behavior. I’m feeling unloved by her. I felt very powerless and confused as to what to do to help her.

I’ve been trying not to take things personally and blame my kids, though I can’t seem not to. I get so triggered. I’m feeling so angry in the moment and don’t want to project that on my kids, though feel I have to intervene and address the unloving behavior. If I sit there and cry in front of them as I still need to stop the unloving behavior and intervene, because I don’t want to project the anger or be mean it feels like I’m making my kids responsible for my sadness. So how do I not make them be responsible for my feelings, address the situation and stop unloving behavior, and be humble to my emotions at the same time? It doesn’t seem possible. I feel like I’m damaging my kids more by trying to be humble to my emotions, even though I know it’s because I’m not truly owning them and are still blaming my kids.

If I’m reflecting on this from a divine truth perspective I’d have to say that the errors that this is triggering for me and the emotions I need to work through are as follows: I’m expecting my kids to be loving to each other and me as well as listen and follow my directions, which is unloving for me to do; I’m still projecting my feelings on them; It triggers the anger, hurt, fear, and powerlessness of being abused by my older brother and father and so I react so intensely; I feel so guilty and remorseful for contributing to my kids unloving behavior; I’m lacking faith that by just feeling my feelings my kids will be more loving, and I feel so unsure of myself and my strategies to effectively deal with these situations.
I re-read the previous posts on this thread and basically what it appears are the suggestions are to own my emotions and not project them or blame them on my kids. I need to intervene at certain points when violence is happening by restricting/holding them. Other times when they are not being violent, but are being unloving I need to feel my emotions and let it be. As I hypothetically apply those strategies to the my example above I would: intervene as they are throwing things at each other, hold my daughter as she was not stopping, feel my anger and other emotions while holding her and not project them on her, and let her cry it out per se.

This post is me feeling so uncertain and unsure of myself. I’m so afraid of damaging my kids more. I’m probably looking for some reassurance and validation instead of feeling my fear, uncertainty, and guilt. I’m trying to decide whether to post this or not because I don’t want sympathy and just want the truth so I can be loving to my family. My inner voice is telling me “you don’t have faith that what is suggested will work and you are looking for a way around it…you don’t want to accept that by owning your emotions your kids behavior will change and as a result feel you have to constantly redirect the unloving behavior, which is creating more of it”.

Alan
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Re: Parenting challenges.

Post by Alan » Tue Oct 06, 2015 10:12 pm

Check out the book Parenting from the Inside Out. It addresses being triggered by your children. Excellent book whether you are a parent or not, for exploring core issues.

- Al

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