Depression since Childhood

[rizasukman]

Hi Everyone,

I am coming to terms with the fact that I've been depressed to a degree ever since my childhood. My father passed when I was 7 and I'm sure I began to be depressed since before that. At the age of 11 I had a very high sense of responsibility and people often commented about how mature I was for my age, even from as early as 8 or 9. I'm 27 now and feel judgmental towards my depression because I think it's something I'm doing wrong by not wanting to feel and release my anger.

No matter how much I use my effort to follow my perceived passions, I feel exhausted and lack the energy/motivation/enthusiasm to continue. Also, the pain levels associated with me following my "passion" are continuously very high and I have an ongoing resistance to doing my "passion" which makes it feel like severe use of will-power in order to keep going. Instead of passion it feels more like a torturous cramp of frustration.

I have gotten ideas and insights that the depression is due to an unwillingness to feel childhood anger/frustration, which I really don't want to feel, express, act out, etc. I'm not quite sure about how to engage my will to grow a willingness to experience my emotions about this depression.

I'm afraid about being stuck here forever and am hoping someone might have experienced a similar situation and has any advice.

There might be some big fear of Truth that is furthering the confusion of the situation, but I don't really understand what that means.

Thanks,
Riza

[rizasukman]

I found this video just now, minutes after posting:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_w9bZM_Q914

which largely talks about going below the anger rather than staying in a seething place which is probably where I am.

However, how would I go about connecting to authentic anger/hatred/rage etc. and/or the blocks/beliefs that prevent me from feeling those?

[rizasukman]

Hi Guys,

I believe I received the answer to my own question:

The answer is mostly about me needing to develop a willingness to feel all of my painful emotions as they arise. The issue with me is that whenever I feel bad, I attack myself and tell myself I have anger that is bad and I need to release it otherwise something really bad is going to happen. In that moment i'm already feeling pain and I am afraid of feeling the pain because i perceive that something bad is already happening to me, so I panic, freeze, self-attack and go into addiction about needing to express and release my anger so that I will be less bad (feel less bad).

Actually, in that moment i just need to feel the pain and any fear associated with feeling pain and staying with it to see what's underneath. After that, what I experienced is that the pain changes and I come out of depression because I remembered to pray and involve God in my life, I realized some truth, released some emotion. All of this previously stuck because it was being covered over by my fear and unwillingness to stay feeling the pain.

The whole thing really shifted for me when I remembered that I can include God in this process of questioning, communicating, expressing, and feeling. The part about including God requires a willingness to experiment with the relationship by talking, asking questions, reaching out, wondering, etc.

[Bex]

Hey Riza
Ive definitely had bouts of depression (or big suppression as it turns out) and the over arching pit of it all is that hopeless feeling however like you said in the end of your note if you bring God into it this shifts so much. Which reminded me of the Solomon message and you can read mary and jesus' epic thoughts about it all here: This really gives me a wee nudge in the right direction when Im feeling really low!

https://www.divinetruth.com/www/en/pdf/ ... cript).pdf